Introspection
by Skyla1
Summary: A Prequel to Last Resort: Sometimes things just happen. We've gotten this far. Where did it all go wrong?
1. Tsukushi:Chapter 1

Tsukushi Chapter 1: A Wedding  
  
Alone amongst the small stone pillars marking final resting place in a sea of the dead, a little girl stood and laid a small, simple bunch of daisies onto the blessed ground. Two streams of pink ribbons blew behind her head woven into the two braided plaits on the two sides of her head. Not a single smudge was apparent to mar the frilled, lacy dress her mother had chosen for her. A faint pink blush tickled her cheeks due to the slight cold breeze on that early spring day. Amongst the marble and stone gravestones, she could have passed for one of the angelic statues found scattered on the grounds.  
  
"Today is a very important day, Papa. Mama said I was going to get a new father. He's a very nice man and takes real good care of Mama and me. Shinimori-san said that he was going to sign some papers making me his new daughter. I'm okay with that, but I told him that you would always be my Papa. He makes Mama happy. She's not as cranky anymore like she used to be before. She keeps saying that she hooked herself a big one. I don't know what that really means, but she smiles a lot more now." Tsukushi's head tilted to the side, contemplative of the image of her mother dancing around in her white Vera Wang wedding gown, twirling her in the air, squealing about hooking one big fish.  
  
"Young Miss! We really must be going now. Your mother will be very angry if you are not on time for the ceremony," an elderly woman gently scolded. She tapped on her watch, showing the child that they had very little time to spare.  
  
"Okay, Tama!" the little girl called back. Turning her head back towards the grave in front of her, she smiled. "I should go now, but I promise I'll talk to you soon again." She kissed the palm of her hand and placed it gently on the grass beneath her feet. Standing up, she primly ran her hands against the bottom of her dress before running towards her nanny. She stopped in the middle of her tracks halfway from the grave and the woman waiting for her, and ran back breathlessly. "Oh yeah! I almost forgot. Today I'm going to meet my new brother!"  
  
Tsukushi picked up the bottom of her dress and skipped towards the outstretched hand in front of her.  
  
"Hurry up, little one. Today is a very important day."  
  
"Uh huh!" she fervently nodded her head in agreement.  
  
It was all over the covers of every high society newsletter, paper, and magazine. Shinimori Koishijiro, a renowned widower, was remarrying today, a nobody at that. Tama still didn't understand what he exactly saw in the woman who one day sauntered into the house, taking over the household as if she had lived there all her life. There was and will only ever be one lady of the house and that was her late employer's wife, Shinimori Hikaru, as far as she knew. The household was turned upside down in a frenzy the past few months with word of impending nuptials to take place between Shinimori and the woman by the name of Makino Kana. He saw her as some sort of wounded bird suffering from the same loss he had endured the last eight years since his wife had passed away. He truly believed he could see some of his late wife in his new intended with her supposed grace, beauty, and humility. Although his first wife had stepped up to the challenge of coming from a status of nothing to a millionaire's wife, she had done it with dignity over time. This woman was like a steamroller, throwing out insults and commands, gaining power through fear. She was in it for the money, and her employer had loaded the gun for her to end his life. Nothing would ever be the same now.  
  
Tama led the little girl down the stone pathway where the driver waited, silently praying to herself that this innocent child would never become anything like her cold, heartless mother. It had been a long time since she was given a young charge. She almost believed that after the young master had entered puberty, there would no longer be a need for his elderly nanny. Luckily, both Shinimoris refused to cast her aside once her duties were fulfilled. Instead she briefly was given the duty as head of the household. That is, before she came along. With the new lady of the house, she was ousted from her position. However, some good had come out of the shift in power. She was given a second chance to raise another child. It was clear from the moment she saw the tiny little thing hiding behind her mother's legs. Pure innocence. She gripped the little hand tighter.  
  
I have no idea how a woman like that could have given birth to such an innocent child like you, little one. It was only right that I bring you here today. I don't care if she finds out what I've done. No one should ever deny a child the right to see their father whether he is alive or six feet under the earth. I can only hope you never feel any unnecessary pain in your life.  
  
"Tama," a small voice called out, snapping her out of her thoughts in the back seat of the limo. "Do you think he'll like me?"  
  
"Of course he will, dear. Who wouldn't? I'm sure the young master will love you when he meets you."  
  
"I hope so too. I've always wanted a brother to play with. I can't wait to meet Susumu."  
  
"And I know he's excited to meet you too." She gently patted her on the head and turned her attention back towards the front of the car, watching the familiar gates of the estate appear in front of them. The caterers, florists, and photographers were running around like chickens with their heads cut off, making last minute arrangements to the event that was sure to be the most spectacular social event of the year.  
  
From the distance, she could faintly make out the figure of the young man they had been discussing earlier. She could only hope that he had changed his mind about his new extended family. From the way he leaned against the tree watching the festivities around him, sulking with his tuxedo jacket tossed onto the ground, white shirt untucked and haphazardly unbuttoned, and bowtie hanging around his neck, he was surely to be one of the unhappy guests. At the young age of thirteen, Shinimori Susumu showed great promise to grow up to be a heartbreaker, inheriting his mother's fine features with his light hazelnut eyes, sun-kissed complexion, and dignified presence. He truly was his mother's child with the striking resemblances in face. His raven locks, which had been dyed a coppery brown as his own act of rebellion against his latest school's dress code, was swept up in the messy style that only he could pull off as neatly put together. Little did the world know that underneath it all he was falling apart. He was in a losing battle to preserve his mother's memory.  
  
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The tip of her tongue darted out at the corner of her mouth as she concentrated to remember what the wedding planner had told her about counting her every step and the amount of flower petals she was required to throw at each third step. Her eyebrows remained knitted in deep concentration, listening to the beat she had created in her head.  
  
"Left, right, left, toss, left, right, left, toss."  
  
"What the fuck are you doing?" a rude voice interrupted her in mid-chant.  
  
Her voice stopped as she looked up at the much taller and older boy. Recognition flashed in her eyes. "Susumu!"  
  
His eyes narrowed into two tiny slits as he examined the little girl in front of him that one of the nearby bridal party had pointed out as his new darling little sister. Little did they know they were directing the devil himself towards the unlikely angel. "Don't be so familiar with me!" he angrily snapped. "I didn't give you permission to call me by my name."  
  
"Aren't you Susumu?" she asked with confusion clearly written on her face. "I saw your pictures in the study next to the pretty lady. Your Mama was real pretty. You look just like her."  
  
Something inside of him snapped. Yes, he had only planned on messing with the brat before the wedding, making things clear that he wanted nothing to do with her or the bitch of a stepmother he was receiving. Deep down he knew the kid had just as much say in their parents' wedding as he did, which was none. He was seething with anger at the fact that his father was marring the memory of his own mother by marrying another woman, and in her own home nonetheless. It was insult onto injury that the child had mentioned his late mother. It wasn't until after the words came out of his mouth did he regret them, but it's always the act that must come before the regret and nothing can ever reverse it. "Didn't anyone ever tell you to shut up, you worthless piece of shit?! Let me make things clear right now. I don't want anything to do with you or your mother." He roughly grabbed her tiny wrist, wrapping his larger hand around it and yanking her closer. "Don't you ever talk about my mother again," he hissed. "I'm not your brother. You're nothing to me. You disgust me. I've never seen anyone so fucking ugly in my life."  
  
The five-year old felt her arm being released from the death grip of her supposed new brother. That wasn't exactly the introduction she had expected. She never even realized that the basket of lilac rose petals had fallen onto the ground at her feet, nor did she feel the pain of the bruise forming on her wrist. Her mind slowly processed all the emotions running through her. bewilderment, despair, and humiliation. All of them pooled into one big, heart-wrenching howl that overshadowed the din around them. He panicked, not knowing how to make that horrible noise coming out of her to stop. It was way too late to apologize now. Like the coward he was, Susumu took that as a cue to run as if his life depended on it.  
  
Tama immediately turned her head in the direction of the screams, completely forgetting the polite conversation she was making with one of the wedding guests. Not wasting another moment to excuse herself, she hurried towards the house where the bridal party was preparing for the walk down the aisle. She barely caught the darting shadow of Susumu rushing away from the scene of the crime. She would deal with him later. All that mattered now was getting to Tsukushi. Pushing her way through the throng of groomsmen and bridesmaids that foolishly tried to calm the hysterical child, she scooped her up into her arms. Hot tears soaked through her pale yellow blouse chosen for the occasion.  
  
"Shh. Everything will be fine. I'm here now," she calmly whispered, trying to soothe the wracked sobs coming out of the little wounded animal.  
  
I only hope she didn't hear this..  
  
"What's going on out here?!" a shrill voice screeched as a door flung open. Decked out in layers of silk, tulle, and a few hundred thousand dollars worth of Swarovski crystal beads hand-sewn into the princess cut gown, Makino Kana emerged, not looking one bit happy at the sight of a wailing child on her day. She quickly composed herself in front of the audience nearby and plastered on a sickeningly sweet smile on her face. Feigning worry, she rushed forward with outstretched arms and stole the child from Tama's arms, and whisked her into the room converted into a bridal chamber. Tama stiffly followed her into the room, closing the door behind her.  
  
"I'm sorry, madam. I don't know what happened. Let me take her and get her cleaned up before the ceremony starts," Tama offered.  
  
"Why the fuck weren't you paying better attention of her," she spat. "It's not like I don't have enough things to worry about today, with the florist bringing the wrong color orchids, the caterers losing half of the china for the reception, and dealing with your incompetence too. Look at this! She's gotten her tears all over me. Take her and get her cleaned up, and don't think that I won't have a talk with my husband about your future with us."  
  
"Yes, madam," Tama complacently responded, ignoring her empty threat. It was only a small victory on her part, knowing that her place in the household was one of the few things that this woman could not sway Shinimori-san in changing. She was a fixture in the family. "I'll clean her up in the bathroom right now." She picked up the sniffling girl and brought her into the bathroom and sat her onto the counter. Gently she rubbed her hand on her back, trying to give some comfort. She grabbed an empty glass and filled it with water from the faucet before bringing it up to Tsukushi's lips. "Here. Drink something," she urged.  
  
In between hiccups, Tsukushi swallowed small mouthfuls of water until she greedily drank up the whole glass to hydrate her dry mouth. The sobs stifled into small sniffles and the hot salty tears were nothing more than two dried streaks on her reddened face. "I don't know what I did," she barely audibly whispered.  
  
"You didn't do anything. Whatever he said, he didn't mean it. He's just angry, is all."  
  
"He hates me."  
  
"He's.well, he's just upset, is all. He just needs some time to adjust to all the changes that are happening. You have to be patient with him. He misses his mother a lot just like you miss your father. He's still getting used to the idea that he will have a new mother. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes." She nodded her head in understanding.  
  
"What did you say to him?"  
  
"I just told him his Mama was real pretty and that he looked just like her."  
  
"Oh." She quickly shook the look of worry that was seconds from appearing on her face. "Promise me that you won't mention his mother to him again. He doesn't like to talk about her much since he misses her so much."  
  
"Okay. Tama?"  
  
"Yes dear?" She continued to smooth out the wrinkles in the lace of the girl's dress. Taking a moist face cloth, she wiped away the signs of tears on her face. She held up a tissue to her nose and commanded, "Blow."  
  
Tsukushi blew her nose into the soft Kleenex and wiped away the last few tears that collected in her eyes. "Do you think I'm ugly?"  
  
Tama frowned at the question, wondering where she could have gotten that idea into her head. "Of course not." She watched as a small smile curled up on her lips. "You're always beautiful, especially when you have that smile on your face."  
  
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Tsukushi did keep that smile on her face the entire time throughout the ceremony as she walked down the aisle tossing rose petals in the air while doing a little dance or skip that resembled a woodland nymph. The sheer sight of her childlike exuberance earned her a small chuckle from her new stepfather, a strained smile on her mother's face that showed a promise of death if she tripped and ruined the ceremony, and the small smiles from the guests watching in mirth at Tsukushi's antics. From the ceremony to the reception, Tsukushi smiled. As far as she knew, if she smiled she would be beautiful.  
  
"I want to dance again, Tama!" Tsukushi playfully pouted, trying to hold onto her nanny's hand while swaying her hips to the music provided by the live orchestra.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I'm not as young as I used to be, young miss. How about we sit down and enjoy some cake before we take another spin on the dance floor?"  
  
Tsukushi placed a small finger on her lip, weighing her options. She quickly nodded her head and excitedly replied, "Okay."  
  
Tama laughed and guided her through the dancing couples, who would every once in awhile stop them to place some praise on Tsukushi's wonderful little performance down the aisle. With each pat on the head her smile widened at her accomplishment. Finally, making their way out of the crowds, she placed Tsukushi onto one of the chairs at the head table and motioned for a waiter to walk over.  
  
"What can I do for you two lovely ladies?" he asked.  
  
"Can you bring us two slices of cake, young man?"  
  
"Make sure it has some flowers on it!" Tsukushi added, pointing towards the ten-layer cake with lilacs spilling down the sides and small multi-colored butter cream roses painstakingly piped along each layer.  
  
"Coming right up," he nodded, heading back towards the serving table where another waiter was busy slicing up the monstrous dessert.  
  
"You stay right here. I'm going to go get you some milk. I'll be back in a few minutes."  
  
"Okay!" Tsukushi watched as her caretaker walked away and waved at her new father dancing with her mother on the dance floor. He brightly smiled at her and waved back pulling her mother into another dramatic twirl. She greedily absorbed all the sights and sounds around her, barely registering the waiter who returned holding a large slice of cake in front of her. "Ooh! I have three flowers."  
  
"This is a secret between me and you," he winked. "I talked them into giving you some extra flowers."  
  
Tsukushi gladly shook his hand swearing to take their secret to the grave, "Thanks. I won't tell anyone." She picked up her fork and took one hard stab into the sugary confection before shoving it into her face. "Mmm," she moaned as the rich chocolate mousse inside melted in her mouth. Little did she know two pairs of eyes were watching her every move.  
  
Nearby, another boy a few years older walked by her table holding a piece of cake in his hand, searching for a place to sit. He wickedly smiled to himself, seeing the large piece of cake in front of the unsuspecting girl. "Hey, what's that over there!" he yelled, pointing at some distant figure. Quickly he switched the plates while her head was turned.  
  
She turned around after seeing nothing and picked up her forgotten fork. The smile on her face dropped as she saw the small measly sliver on her plate. She turned to the boy to see him taking a triumphant forkful of her cake into his mouth. "Hey, that's mine."  
  
"What are you talking about? It's not my fault if you're such a pig and ate all your cake," he retorted.  
  
She reached over and attempted to take her plate back, but was pushed back by the boy. "That is mine!"  
  
"Give it back or I'm going to tell."  
  
"I don't care. Go ahead. You can't do anything to me. Finders, keepers, losers, weepers."  
  
Tsukushi huffed in pure rage. Being bullied once that day had pushed her past her breaking point and this boy was really getting on her nerves. She grabbed his hand and did the first thing that came to mind.  
  
"You bit me!"  
  
She held his hand in his mouth like a rabid dog refusing to let go until he relinquished her food. The coppery taste of blood began to fill her mouth. When he jerked his hand away she admired her work in his hand, smirking at the two tiny punctures in the skin.  
  
"Now you're going to get it!" He balled his hand into a fist and pounded it right into the cake, smashing the delicate flowers into small piles of mush. He smiled to himself, ready to take that same fist and pound it into her face. Girl or no girl, he was beyond pissed off. He almost delighted in the way she cowered and tightly closed her eyes awaiting her punishment. "No one dares touch."  
  
The person standing by the wall watching the entire interaction between the children decided to step in before any more bloodshed took place. Raising a fist in the air, he dropped it like a hammer on the younger boy's head. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to hit a girl?"  
  
The boy yelped in pain at the unexpected attack and spun around ready to start a fight with his assailant. "Who are you? This is between me and her."  
  
"I know you," he laughed. "I'm her brother and you better get the hell out of here. I know someone else who would love to beat the crap out of you if they found out you were bullying a defenseless five year old. If I see or hear that you bully her again I'll make sure I'll make your life a living hell."  
  
"Fine," he surrendered. He slinked off, nursing his bloody hand and ran off towards a group of adults. As soon as he was out of earshot he began animatedly talking and pointing towards their direction, probably retelling the tale of the injustice done to him.  
  
Susumu shrugged his shoulder, not really caring if the brat told on him. He looked down at the chunk of smashed up cake and frowned. He turned around and walked away leaving Tsukushi rather dumbfounded with what just happened. Just as he walked away, Tama came back to the table.  
  
"What happened to your cake?" she asked. "And what is this I hear about you biting people?"  
  
"He started it," she whined. "He stole my cake."  
  
"And you thought it would be a good idea to bite him?"  
  
"I was hungry," she innocently joked.  
  
Tama had to fight to hold back the laugh that was about to explode from her mouth. "That's no excuse. You stay here, while I go apologize to his parents for your rude behavior. Don't think that you are going to get out of this unpunished, young lady. I'm going to go help them find a first aid kit to bandage up his hand. You stay right here and when I come back you are going straight to bed."  
  
Tsukushi mutely nodded in compliance and stared at the tablecloth, trying to avoid the disappointed glare coming from Tama. Minutes later after she was forced to apologize to the beastly child that instigated the whole ordeal, she was ushered away from the party tent set up in the south side of the estate to the main house. After being bathed, brushed, and dressed she was unceremoniously put in bed. Tama tucked her in one last time and walked out the door muttering to herself something about avoiding a lawsuit.  
  
It was hours later when Tsukushi was roughly shaken by someone to wake up. Her eyes jolted open. Rubbing her bleary eyes, she tried to focus her vision in the blinding light which was turned on. She could distantly hear the faint sounds of the band winding down for the night after the long party. She reached over and felt something or someone beside her. Shock appeared on her face as she turned to come face to face with her new brother. Instantly she sat up to see what was wrong.  
  
Susumu reached behind his back and pulled out a large plate with what looked to be the top layer of the wedding cake on it. Streams of flowers overflowed on the top with the added figures of bride and groom gracing it. "Here. I saw that you didn't get to eat any cake earlier. I got you an even better slice." Mechanically he held out a fork for her, offering her to take the first bite.  
  
Tentatively, Tsukushi took the offered fork and gingerly took a small bite of the cake. She didn't really know how to take the situation. What would one do if they were to be awakened in the middle of the night by someone who hours earlier proclaimed their disdain for you, but was now offering you cake? She chewed in silence watching Susumu take a giant stab of the cake himself and shoving the forkful in his mouth. They remained that way eating in silence for a few minutes before Tsukushi had to ask.  
  
"Why are you doing this?"  
  
"I don't need a reason to do anything. I do things because I want to, kid."  
  
"Oh." She placed the fork on plate and swallowed the last bit of cake her stomach could handle.  
  
"You did good out there," he grunted. "I mean, that kid will think twice before he messes with you again. You took a pretty good chomp outta him."  
  
"Thanks," she blushed, remembering her bold move earlier. "Did you mean what you said earlier about being my brother?"  
  
"I guess so," he shrugged. "It looks like I've got to be your brother now. You can barely take care of yourself letting other kids trick you like that."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For talking about your Mama. I know what it's like to miss someone. My Papa died too. My teacher told me it's okay though, because when good people like your Mama and my Papa die, they go to heaven and live with angels. They watch over us, so you don't need to miss them so much. They're always with us."  
  
Susumu fought the smile that refused to be contained. He placed his hand on her head and ruffled her hair. "It's okay. I forgive you."  
  
"So you don't hate me anymore?! Are you really going to be my brother?!" She stood up onto the bed and jumped up and down giddily. "I was so excited when Shinimori-san told me I was going to have a new brother."  
  
He stood up from the bed and caught her in mid jump. Picking up the half- eaten layer of cake and putting it on the floor, he pushed the covers back. Gently Tsukushi was placed back in bed.  
  
"Can I call you onii-san?"  
  
"Yeah, I was serious when I said I'd be your big brother. You can just call me Susumu."  
  
"Okay!" she happily chirped under the yawn that was overpowering her. Sleepily her eyes fluttered shut.  
  
"You should go to sleep."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
He leaned in slowly to her face, studying how cute she really was. He didn't get a good chance to take a look at her up close before since he was hell-bent on taking out all his pent-up aggressions on her. Now, looking at her peacefully laying in bed, he realized just how much of a bastard he had really been to lay such harsh words on a five year old. He was no better than that bully from earlier. "I'm sorry about what I said to you earlier, Tsukushi."  
  
"You called me by my name," she sleepily smiled. "It's okay. I wasn't mad at you."  
  
He listened to her soft breaths as she drifted off into a blissful sleep. He plucked the bride and groom figurines off the cake, thinking that she would probably like them and placed them on her nightstand. Taking one last glance at her, he lightly kissed her on the forehead, listening to her slight murmuring in her sleep. Picking up the evidence of their late night binge, he walked towards the door and flicked off the light switch. Slowly he closed the door behind him, but stopped to take one last quick glance of the small figure asleep on the bed.  
  
In the midst of the dark stillness of the room he made a promise. "I will be a good brother to you. I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again," he whispered to himself.  
  
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A/N: Here is the first prequel installment of mini-stories for each of the characters of Last Resort. All I've got to say is ANGST! ANGST! And more ANGST! There will be some very hardcore R going on here later. 


	2. Tsukushi:Chapter 2

Disclaimer: How many times will you people torture me into admitting I don't own Hana Yori Dango?!  
  
Tsukushi- Chapter 2  
  
"Stupid shoes!" Tsukushi screamed in aggravation as she plucked the getas off her feet and unceremoniously tossed the wooden sandals into the nearby koi pond with a loud plunk. The sandals bobbed up and down on the water before sinking into the bottom adding a sparkly object of interest to the fish swimming around it. The pale pink sakura flowers painted on the soles reflected a pink hue to the surface of the water. She angrily wiped the tears away from her face that she refused to let anyone witness. Silently, she fumed, holding in her anger that she was never allowed to show as a true proper lady. For once, just once, she wanted to show some rebellion, to show that she would never control her. Snapping the knotted obi free from her waist, she tossed the expensive silk cloth to the ground. The two flaps of her kimono fell open, revealing the t-shirt and shorts underneath. They definitely weren't the hadajuban her instructor had demanded she wear beneath the kimono. Now, in the middle of the afternoon, she resembled something of a crazed banshee, wildly thrashing about the gardens with the thin teal yukata billowing in the breeze behind her.  
  
Susumu placed a hand on the dwarfing elderly woman standing by the window, listlessly staring outside. It almost scared him to see the woman he once looked up to as a giant as what she really was: an aging old woman. He had no smile on his face for the image in front of him, as he watched the child crying in the gardens.  
  
Tama lifted a reassuring hand and placed it over her former charge's hand. "She's being suffocated. Look at her! She's the one weed that refuses to die amongst the flowers. That's what makes her who she is. She's trying to kill that very part of her."  
  
Susumu nodded his head, seeing the pained expression in the face of his former mentor being reflected at him against the window. "Let me go talk to her." Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself for the daunting task of calming his little sister. It wasn't exactly simple to do since he hadn't exactly been around the house lately. The last few years hadn't exactly been easy on the both of them. A few months after his father and new mother had returned from their honeymoon, he found himself on the first plane out of Tokyo. The newfound bond he had found with his little sister was severed by the span of a few thousand miles between them.  
  
Kana wanted him out before she returned and she got her wish. Within a week of their return, Susumu found himself packed and ready to attend St. Bernard's Academy in London. At first, he thought he would win in the end, with the childish idea of getting himself expelled and sent back home. He would have never thought that Kana had anticipated his route of action by having a few alternate schools lined up one after the other. Fifteen expulsions, in the last five years, had left him in his latest school. It wasn't even exactly an actual school, but more of a place for those labeled as delinquents. Their credo revolved around "Making Boys Into Men". Now he found himself in his last school, an all boys military academy in Germany, to rot. In a few months, he would be eighteen, an adult in the eyes of the law, and free from the shackles of his stepmother's watchful eye. The only reason he was allowed to step onto the property that was formerly his home was to celebrate his father's birthday. It was all for appearance sake that he received the curt note in the mail to report home for the next three days.  
  
He looked out into the gardens in horror, seeing how his mother's gardens had been torn apart and redesigned by the landscape artist hired a few years back. He recalled the long winded argument with his father about having the roses his mother planted with her own hands ripped from the earth to be replaced by tulips, which his step-mother favored. His father acted as mediator between the two warring sides of his new wife and son, finally settling on letting Kana do as she pleased. She had played dirty pleading that she did not want to live in her house being overshadowed by the memory of a dead woman. Luckily enough, Tama had taken it upon herself to tell the gardener to uproot the roses and replant them on the plot right outside his window where Kana wouldn't notice.  
  
"That woman has destroyed our home, Tama," Susumu sighed. "Things were fine before she came along."  
  
Tama silently nodded her head in agreement. She seethed with anger every day as she walked through the halls of the house. At first it was small changes with the reorganizing of furniture. Piece by piece, articles around the house disappeared with something else in its place until the entire mansion was redecorated in the taste of the new mistress. "I ran this house for eight years before this woman came along. I was the one to take control over a grieving widow and a child that was too young for my liking to grow up without a mother. I thought I could handle anything, including the little terror you were as a child, but nothing prepared me for the likes of her. I'm the last of the original staff left who hasn't been frightened off by her."  
  
Susumu bent down to kiss the old woman on the cheek. "You did a fine job raising me, Tama. You kept my mother's memory alive for me. Hell, you were like a mother to me. You'll always have a place in our home."  
  
She affectionately wiped away the nonexistent dirt on his face, remembering the days when he would come traipsing into the parlor with caked-on mud all over every orifice of his body. "You were always a good boy."  
  
He flashed her one of his devilish grins and redirected his attention towards the window. His light chuckle echoed in the room. "I think I better go rescue her before she decides to drown herself in the koi pond."  
  
Tsukushi thrashed about on the grounds, picking up anything and everything within her grasp to throw into the horizon. She hated that overwhelming helplessness that surrounded her at all times, feeling as if someone was constantly watching her. Her mother.  
  
At the tender age of ten, Tsukushi had grown up in the blink of an eye. It was becoming more and more common nowadays that compliments of feminine beauty were passed towards daughter rather than mother, which drove her mother to fake a smile and tug Tsukushi on their merry way. Beauty was something that Tsukushi could have cared less for. She always had an eye for simplicity rather than the ornate embellishments her mother reveled in. Most of her looks could be attributed to her father. Luckily, she has grown up being more like the man than expected, considering his absence in her life.  
  
Her long chocolate hair fell down to her waist, which was usually tamed into two braids. Eyes rich like honey that could seduce you in its innocence, yet entrap you with the spirit that burned beneath. The normal child-like posture and clumsiness had faded away with age to be replaced by an eerie poise and elegance brought on by years of etiquette lessons. In terms of appearance, she rated above average in comparison to most girls, but it was the person inside the body that drew people to her like moths to a flame. She was generally mild-tempered, but when pushed to her limits, fought fiercely with a voracity that would scare anyone into place. Tsukushi was the type of person to love with all her heart, and to feel for life with every last fiber of her being. Her emotions and every thought were open to the world to take and to see. All in all, she had developed to the age where one was at the sad end of childhood and venturing into womanhood.  
  
She paced wildly back and forth, trying to roll up the long sleeves of her kimono in order to kick at a rock beneath her foot. The small beads that hung from the combs used to sweep her hair up into an elegant bun tickled her neck much to her annoyance. Reaching for the finely crafted pearl combs, she ripped them out, emancipating her hair and letting it flow down in wavy curls. They fell to the ground with a dull thud as she lifted her foot and stomped down on them, snapping them in twos. Quickly, she retracted her foot, feeling a small shattered fragment lodge itself in her foot. "Mother fu..."  
  
"Tsk. Tsk. I would never have thought my Tsukushi would use such language."  
  
Susumu's deep rumbling laughter filled her ears, bringing a true smile to her face. She grabbed at the hand and spun around to see a familiar face. "Susumu!" Without another word, she flung herself into his arms, knocking him to the ground, hugging his waist with a deathlike grip. "When did you get back?!"  
  
He gently pried away her hands around his waist, and pushed himself up to sit on the grass. "I just got home twenty minutes ago. I was watching you put on quite a show from the window."  
  
She jokingly punched him in the shoulder before crossing her arms and going into a sulking pout. "You should have called and told me you were coming today. I would have gone to the airport to pick you up. You big jerk!"  
  
"And miss a welcoming like this? No way!" He propelled himself off the ground and ran his fingers through his hair, an old habit that didn't do much at the moment.  
  
Tsukushi stood up, and watched where his hands went on his head. "Oh my god! What did they do to your hair?" She jumped up and pulled his head down to inspect the damage. Instead of finding the luscious locks of hair that once adorned his head, all she found was bleach blind dyed spiky hairs in the form of a crew cut. "I can't believe you let them take your hair."  
  
His hands quickly lowered to his sides, and he fell into the regulatory position. In mock salute, his body stiffened as his right hand flew to his forehead. "Regulation hair requirements, ma'am!"  
  
Her lips formed into a frown. "They finally got you, didn't they? Is it as bad as they say it is?"  
  
Susumu ignored the worry in her tone. He shrugged for her benefit, thinking it would be wise not to tell her about the true horrors of military school. Images of running the obstacle courses at three in the morning in pouring rain and snow while a drill sergeant threatened to sodomize you in your sleep if you slacked off were better left unsaid. "I can handle it. Hey, I'm only there for two more months until graduation."  
  
"I was worried," she drifted off. Her tiny, delicate hand reached for his, squeezing it, questioning the truthfulness of his words. "I only got one letter from you since you started there. Usually, you send me one every two weeks. I didn't even know if you got mine."  
  
He put his arm out, drawing her to his side and sighed. "Your letters were what kept me going. It was nice to brag to the guys that I had a pretty girl waiting for me at home."  
  
She giggled into her sleeve, falling into hysterics on the ground. "I hate it when you talk like that. You sound so lecherous! If you weren't my brother, I would say you sounded like a pedophile in love with a ten year old."  
  
"What the?! Where did you learn words like that? Now I'm wondering who the hell has corrupted my baby sister."  
  
She placated him by patting him on the chest. "Let's just say, I read a lot."  
  
"One day, I'm going to find every last trashy romance novel you hide in your room and have a bon fire out here in the yard."  
  
"Blasphemous! You wouldn't! My precious books," she wailed. She peered through the corner of her eye to see whether or not he had taken the bait, but to her disappointment, he remained steadfast. "Fine. I won't share my newfound knowledge with you anymore. How long will you be staying with us?' she asked, with a glimmer of hope in her eyes that he might be staying for an extended time.  
  
"I only got leave for three days. Then I'll be packed up and shipped off to Germany until graduation," he sighed. He dug his hands in his pockets staring up into the pristine cerulean sky.  
  
"Hey, at least you finally bulked up over there. I barely recognized you underneath all that muscle. I must say, now I understand what the other girls at school mean when they tell me how hot you are."  
  
"Your friends think I'm hot?"  
  
"Yeah. You have quite the reputation. Everybody loves the bad ass."  
  
"They can talk about me as much as they want, but if anyone ever tries anything on you, you'll tell me, right?"  
  
"Uh huh," she emphatically nodded, a little perturbed by his overprotective nature. "I have no idea what you said to those boys at school, but not one of them has ever tried to pull a prank on me ever again. I still don't understand why they were always teasing me? Tama said that boys do that when they like a girl. I find it hard to believe that half of the male student population liked me."  
  
Susumu clenched his fists at his sides, remembering the little talk he had with the boys down at his little sister's school. He suppressed the grin, recalling how most of them almost peed in their pants at the death threats he made against their lives if they so much as breathed a word to his sister. He still couldn't believe how naïve she was to her own appearance. Every once in a while, he would spot the stares they got when they went out, coming from young boys to old men. In turn, he would only hold her hand tighter, guarding her from the wolves waiting to pounce on her. Tsukushi was a triple threat in the highest sense, coming from money, good looks, and innocence like a newborn lamb.  
  
"So, what's the deal with the new look?" He arched an eyebrow, studying her disheveled appearance. "Is this what they call the 'heroin chic' look?" He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and proceeded to wipe off the tears on her face. "I like the t-shirt and jeans look much better. What the hell has she done to you this time?"  
  
She swatted his hand away, slipping the robe off of her shoulders onto the ground. Delicately, she attempted to salvage the fine Japanese silk garb and fold it neatly and tucking it beneath her arm. Fingers were raised in the air checking off the days. "Today is Monday, so that would make it 'Introduction to the Art of Chaji'. Tuesdays is modern dance followed by ballet. Wednesday is languages. Thursday is etiquette. Friday is vocal lessons. Saturday is the spa day filled with shopping, hair, socializing with prehistoric old women for brunch, and basically sitting on my ass all day around other girls my age talking about which fellow socialite they plan on nabbing on the arranged marriage market. Sunday is my free day to catch up on schoolwork, but it doesn't matter much since Mama pays the school to just let me pass through grades. I think that about sums it up."  
  
"Whoa! I thought I had a pretty brutal schedule back when I was here under Tama. Did something happen during your lesson?"  
  
She switched her weight from one foot to the other trying to avoid answering him. She mumbled her reply. "IspilledtheteainNaru'slap."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
She lifted her head, agitated at having to repeat herself. "I spilled tea in Naru's lap!"  
  
"That had to hurt."  
  
"It only got worse when she jumped up and I panicked to find something to clean her off. In the process, I dropped the chawan on the ground and it broke in two. Mama and otou-san are going to kill me! That tea bowl was in you family for the last five generations," she wailed, bursting into another fit of sobs.  
  
Susumu panicked, not knowing how to quite repair the damage done. He soothingly rubbed her back, trying to ease all the racked sobs out of her. "Don't worry," he whispered. Then he remembered something from a few years back when he went through the same training since it was considered useful when entertaining business clients. "I'll tell you a little secret that I never told anyone. Not even Tama knows about this," he whispered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Back when I was forced to go through the same lessons, I was playing around and I dropped the matcha on the ground when I was carrying the water in. No one ever noticed, but if you look real closely, there's a fine line where a chunk cracked off."  
  
"How did you avoid getting caught?"  
  
"I'll show you." He grabbed her hand and led her back towards the small building to their right, where the teahouse was located.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
"See! It looks as good as new. Well, as good as new as a hundred year old bowl can get." He gently placed the bowl onto the table inspecting his handiwork. "No one will notice a thing."  
  
"Are you sure this will work?" Tsukushi skeptically asked, poking at the repaired artifact.  
  
"Don't ever doubt the power of super glue."  
  
She fell backwards onto the ground and stretched her arms out. A small expanse of the smooth, flat skin of her abdomen peeked out from under her t- shirt. Her light-hearted laughter filled the chashistsu, giving it a much different vibe away from the seriousness that generally went on during lessons. "I'm glad that you're home."  
  
"So am I, kid," he nodded lying down besides her. He nudged her shoulder grinning. "I only wish I didn't have to come home to that whining bitch every time. I still don't see what my father sees in her. All she's ever done is bring this place to ruins. She hasn't done one good thing for this house."  
  
She pursed her lips, hating the hostility within their family unit. "You shouldn't talk about Mama like that. No matter what, I love her. She may act vain and selfish sometimes, but she still is my mother. I believe she makes otou-san happy in her own way.  
  
He paused for a moment, taking into consideration of his choice of words. "I'm sorry."  
  
Oh yeah. She must be one good fuck.  
  
Plucking a small box out of his pocket, he flipped a cigarette out of the pack and slipped it between his lips. The addicting smoke filled his expanding lungs with the long drag he took from it, dulling his senses.  
  
"Those will kill you, ya know," she dryly stated. Her fingers played with the hem of her shirt tugging at the loose piece of thread that refused to go away. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that every eight second, another person dies from lung cancer?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Are you going to put that out?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Give me that!" She snatched the lit stick and tossed it out the window. "Those are really disgusting."  
  
"Tsukushi!" a high-pitched scream resonated through the tiny walls.  
  
"Fuck! She's coming! I gotta go before she spots me. She doesn't know I'm back yet!" He popped his head up to see his ever-fashionable stepmother approaching the front entrance.  
  
"She's going to kill me if she sees me like this!" Tsukushi panicked. She grabbed for her kimono, slipping it on and frantically trying to tie the obi.  
  
Susumu quickly grabbed his silver lighter and smashed it into the rail at the foot of the sliding door, jamming the heavy wooden door to slide open. "Come over here!" he hissed, grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face him. "Calm down! Turn around!" His large hands wrapped around her slim waist forcefully, tugging at the kimono and tying the obi into a perfect butterfly fold. With a few seconds to spare, he slapped her on the back, winked, and jumped out of the window leading to the back of the teahouse.  
  
"Tsukushi! Open the door! I know you're in there!"  
  
Tsukushi scrambled to tie up her hair, grabbing a pair of chopsticks of the table and twisting her long locks into a bun. "I'm coming!" She bent down on the ground and snatched up the lighter, tossing it behind her shoulder and out the window.  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
"Sorry," she hissed to her brother squatting outside the window. Glancing behind her, she saw her brother scampering across the lawn, gripping his head where the lighter had probably hit him. She flung open the door, and put on her best smile. "Is there something you need, Mama?"  
  
Kana furrowed her eyebrows distinctly recalling hearing two voices in the room before. However, she pushed those thoughts aside for the real reason she had come to check up on her daughter. "I got a very angry call today from Mizuno Naru's mother. There was something about a ruined kimono and hot tea."  
  
Tsukushi bowed her head down in shame, knowing that a long-winded lecture was about to come. "I'm sorry. It was an accident."  
  
The older woman rubbed her temples in frustration. "Sometimes, I just don't understand you. I don't know what to do with you anymore. Why can't you just be like the other girls? I worked so hard to get this," She waved her arms around pointing at their surroundings.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
She turned around to walk out the door, having the apologies fall on deaf ears. "Clean up in here. Your father will be home soon for dinner and I still have to find out where that delinquent stepbrother of yours went."  
  
"What can I do to not make you mad at me? What is it that you want from me? I've always done what you wanted. I just don't fit here. What can I do to make you happy?"  
  
It was the question she had been anticipating all along. It was an invitation for her to strike her down. "Stop being such a fuck up."  
  
Tsukushi clenched her fists, holding back the sting in her words. She had learnt long ago that showing any sign of weakness in front of her mother could prove to be a fatal mistake. Her mother wasn't the kind of woman to take a simple apology as good word on anything. She wanted to see results. Quietly, she began to wipe down the table and put away the family heirlooms used for the ceremony earlier. Resolutely, she held her head up high and walked out, locking the doors behind her. She glanced around, seeing that her brother had probably already escaped the compound for a three-day leave of random debauchery. He would be home by tomorrow for the party, with some super model type on his arm. She thought back to the days when she could have been enough as his date, spending all his adoration and time on her, but it was a foolish and childish want. She would have to deal with her problems on her own. Big brother wouldn't always be there to save her.  
  
I can't be anything, but me.  
  
--------------Three years later----------  
  
"Susumu!"  
  
"Hey! How's my baby sister?!" Susumu lilted backwards, slightly losing his footing, but gracefully caught his sister in his arms. He pulled away to take a better look at the young woman in front of him, whistling. "You cleaned up real nice."  
  
She smiled from ear to ear. "I didn't think you would come! You should come around and visit more often."  
  
"Why would I miss your birthday?" His deep laugh resonated in the room; the kind that sent most of the young women and a few older ones looking in his direction. "I only saw you last week. I live only about a half hour drive from the manor. You know you can stop by anytime."  
  
She skeptically folded her arms and glared at him. "That was what you said last time, and when I stopped by, you seemed a little busy. Having your little sister show up while you were in the middle of THAT has to kill the mood."  
  
"Just remember to call before you show up, okay." He turned to his side, showing acknowledgement to the man beside him. "Oh, yeah. Junpei, this is my little sister, Tsukushi. Tsukushi, this is Junpei."  
  
"Hey," the older boy greeted flashing her a to-die-for smile. "So, you're the birthday girl everyone is talking about." He bowed and kissed the back of her hand. "It's hard to miss the most beautiful girl in the room."  
  
Tsukushi furrowed her eyebrows, trying to figure out what exactly it was that was so familiar about Junpei. "Nice to meet you. Have I seen you somewhere before?"  
  
He shrugged his shoulders and continued sipping on his glass of champagne. "I don't know, I'm all over the place nowadays. Hey," he nudged Susumu's arm. "I think you should go rescue Shizuka from some of your dad's business associates. They seem to be getting a little too friendly with her."  
  
"Sorry, Kushi. I'll be back in a bit. I've got to go rescue my girlfriend before I end up leaving alone tonight," he joked. "Save me a dance." He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before running off after the girl across the room.  
  
Tsukushi snuck a glance at the woman her brother had recently become so enthralled with. It brought a smile to her face to see him for once taking a girl seriously. She had seen a long string of girls come and go without a second thought. It seemed that Shizuka might have broken his one-month girlfriend streak.  
  
"So, how old are you, anyway?"  
  
"13," she petulantly replied, not liking the look he was giving her. "And you are?"  
  
"21, but wishing I were 13 again," he sighed.  
  
"You're a sweet talker. A little on the pedophilic side, but I guess your pretty face makes up for it."  
  
"You hurt me!" He clutched his hand over his chest in agony. "How about you give this poor guy here a little thrill and have this dance?"  
  
"Why not?" she laughed. "It's not like anyone else has asked me." She took his offered hand and was lead onto the dance floor, where a slow waltz drifted through the air, in between the sounds of overflowing glasses of champagne and mindless chatter.  
  
Junpei looked down at the girl who barely reached his shoulder. He stiffly smiled for the camera as the photographer walked by, instructing them to smile for the camera. Like a trained dog, Tsukushi didn't need to hesitate to know what to do with herself. She shifted her body to the left, tilted her head up at an angle, and smiled. Then, they continued on their way, swaying around the dance floor in the midst of the few dozen other dancing couples.  
  
"So, how does it feel like to be the guest of honor of all this?" His head tilted to the side pointing out the dozen ice sculptures, the mountainous pile of gifts ranging from cars to as far as a small beach house in the South Pacific.  
  
"Bored," she snorted in a very unladylike fashion.  
  
His steps faltered for a moment, being caught of guard with her response. "I would hardly qualify that as a legitimate response. For a girl who has everything, what is there not to like?"  
  
Her eyes danced across the room inspecting all the exorbitance. "Well, for starters, let's take a look at the people invited to my birthday party. I probably know maybe ten out of the three hundred guests here. That mountainous pile of gifts over there is merely a very shrewdly veiled gesture to bribe Shinimori-san into going into business with the sender. None of it is for me, not that I would want those things in the first place. The ones he keeps seals the deal, the ones that go means some poor schmuck is gonna lose big. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that all those guys my age circling like a pack of wolves around us, are just waiting for a chance that my brother lets his guard down to get the chance to try to grope me. Finally, this ends with every girl from school here hating me for taking away all their hot prospects. I think that about settles it. This birthday sucks. Now will you please tell me where I've seen you before or do I have to beat it out of you, since you refuse to tell me the damn answer?"  
  
"Think billboard downtown. I'm the guy second to the left in the D&G ad."  
  
"Oh, you're that model. All the girls have been chattering incessantly about knowing you from somewhere." She peered to her left seeing the very group of girls she mentioned shooting her venomous glares across the dance floor. Tsukushi heaved a heavy sigh, and returned her gaze to her partner. "You just made me the talk of the school on Monday, Junpei."  
  
"Glad I could be of any service. How about I give them a little something more to talk about." He bent his head down and planted a soft kiss on her cheek. "A little gift of envy for the birthday girl," he teased. He looked up and smiled the smile that made him infamous, causing a few of the nearby ladies watching their interaction swoon. He raised an eyebrow at the man quickly approaching them with some intense interest in Tsukushi. "I think I'm in for some competition," he whispered into her ear.  
  
"Thomas!" Tsukushi squealed, running and jumping into the blonde man's arms.  
  
"Happy birthday, Tsukushi." He picked Tsukushi up off the floor, holding her tightly, and swinging her around him, enjoying the peals of laughter bubbling up from her. "Sorry, I was a bit late. I had some trouble with the security getting onto the property."  
  
"Did you forget your invitation?" she laughed. She kissed him on the cheek, and proceeded to drag him towards Junpei, whom she had abandoned on the dance floor. "Thomas, I want you to meet Junpei. Junpei, this is Thomas."  
  
"Nice to meet you," Junpei replied shaking the offered hand.  
  
"You too." He whipped his head from side to side. "Is Susumu here already?'  
  
"Yeah," Tsukushi laughed. She waggled her finger in the air before pinpointing her brother's exact location, which was to the right of the dance floor. At the moment he seemed to be very occupied with a certain woman wearing a flowing lavender gown.  
  
"I should have known that wherever Shizuka is, Susumu is sure to follow."  
  
"Uh huh. He's got it bad this time." Tsukushi smiled brightly, feeling overjoyed for her brother's obvious attachment to the young woman. "So, what have you been up to Thomas?"  
  
"Nothing much," he shrugged. "I've been working in the studio every once in awhile. For the time being, I'm working as a DJ at a few of the clubs downtown. You should come down and see me sometime."  
  
"I would, but Susumu refuses to let me go with him. He said a girl like me shouldn't hang around such establishments promoting promiscuity and debauchery." She began giggling as she finished her impersonation of her brother's overbearing tone that he took when he lectured her on something or another. "Maybe I'll talk him into taking me one time as a birthday present. I've never been to a real dance club before."  
  
"It'll be fun, kid. Uh, I think I should be going that way. I see your mom coming this way, and if I recall, I didn't make too good of a first impression the first time I met her. See ya." Taking a quick backwards glance, he smiled apologetically for his hasty retreat.  
  
Junpei looked around in confusion, clearly not understanding why Thomas would make such a fast get away. He looked towards the direction Tsukushi was transfixed. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing really out of the ordinary about the women. She looked like the rest of them at the uptight party. "Who's that?"  
  
"Mama." Tsukushi quietly greeted the woman ignoring the small disapproving look in her mother's eyes. "Is there something you need?" She kept her eyes locked towards the ground and anything else that could distract her from looking at the fake plastered smile her mother was wearing at the moment.  
  
"Don't be rude, dear," an overly sweet voice reproached. "Why don't you introduce me to your friend here?" A polished red fingernail reached out and trailed down the front of Junpei's tux.  
  
Junpei looked from mother to daughter taking in the apparent discomfort in the air coming from both himself and Tsukushi. Trying his best to stay calm, he reminded himself of the warnings Susumu had pointedly made clear before they arrived. He gently lifted her finger from his person, and raised the hand to his lips caressing the soft skin with a kiss. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Shinimori-san."  
  
Tsukushi knocked herself out of her daze, and quickly straightened her back recalling all of the etiquette lessons drilled into her. She intercepted their latched hands. "Mama, this is Junpei, one of Susumu's friends," she weakly spoke up, hating herself for letting her voice fall into an indiscernible whisper.  
  
Kana's gracious smile became wry. "Oh, really. I didn't even realize your brother had invited his friends to this family gathering. I must remind him next time to tell me in advance if he brings extra guests." She raised her hand to her mouth covering a faked laugh. "Well, the more the merrier, I say. Please, call me Kana. No need to be so formal."  
  
He nodded his head, and stepped aside to hook his arm with Tsukushi's. "If you wish, Kana."  
  
Her eyes narrowed, staring at him with some hidden desire or something faintly lascivious. "The ladies have been absolutely abuzz with word that you came. It's not every day that we get one of top models in the industry in our presence. She presumptuously once again touched his arm, feeling the ripple of muscle beneath the fabric. "My goodness, you certainly are fit. I must admit every time I've seen your pictures, I've always wondered if you would be as virile in person. I'm happy to say you are exactly as I've imagined."  
  
Once again, he shied away from her touch and tightened his hold on Tsukushi. "Thank you for the... compliment, but we really must excuse ourselves. Tsukushi promised me one more dance."  
  
"Of course. She is after all the birthday girl." She tucked a stray hair that had fallen in Tsukushi's face, laying her cold hands upon her warm face. Her attention was fleeting and soon redirected at Junpei. "It's sweet of you to dance with the child. How about later, you save me a dance? You shouldn't leave before you dance with a real woman."  
  
"I'll save you a spot on my dance card." He politely bowed and steered them away from the woman who he guaranteed was checking out his ass from behind.  
  
"I'm sorry about that," Tsukushi mumbled apologetically. "She's a bit forward when she meets people."  
  
"It's okay. Now I know why Susumu gave me 'the talk' before we got here."  
  
They walked arm in arm across the ballroom making sure to keep some distance between them and her mother. Seeing Thomas, Shizuka, and Susumu talking quietly in the corner, they decided to join up with the rest of the group.  
  
"I see Mrs. Robinson has put the moves on you," Thomas chuckled.  
  
"She felt you up, didn't she?" Shizuka took another sip from her champagne glass, giggling at her friend's expense.  
  
"I swear, I can't bring any of my friends home when she's around," Susumu whined. He detached Junpei from Tsukushi and draped an arm over her shoulder. "I see you two guys have already met?" he asked looking from Junpei to Thomas.  
  
"Yeah, we've met. I guess now Junpei can join the MTTFU club."  
  
"MTTFU?"  
  
"Mother's trying to fuck us," Susumu laughed. "You don't even know how many times I've come home to be cornered by some of the women here. It's even funnier when they introduce themselves under the pretense of trying to hook me up with their daughters. When I didn't take that bait, they practically threw themselves at me. I guess to them, it's either mother or daughter to reel in the big money."  
  
Shizuka playfully slapped him in the chest, "I hope you never accepted any of their offers."  
  
"I was young and stupid at the time."  
  
"I think I'm too disgusted to continue being in the presence of this conversation," Tsukushi moaned.  
  
"Sorry." Susumu grinned stupidly. "We'll lower the rating of this conversation."  
  
Tsukushi giggled into her hand, watching them continue their banter, trying to find 'creative' ways to discuss their sexploits. It was even funnier when Shizuka brought up the fact that she now had a purse full of offers from some of the businessmen at the party.  
  
It was slightly sad to think that a thirteen year old could only find enjoyment with an older crowd. Although they accepted her fine into the inner circle as Susumu's little sister, a part of her yearned for some sense of normalcy. As her eyes drifted around the room, she noticed people from her school, and realized that there was not one person in the room that she could call a friend. She knew better than to try to catch up on lost time now, considering the looks she was getting from them.  
  
A tap on her shoulder alerted her to a newcomer's presence. She spun around, feeling the end of her gown sweep at her feet with a whoosh sound.  
  
"Hi," a boy with sandy brown hair waved. His eyes leered at her chest, completely ignoring the face that belonged to the body. "I was wondering if you wanted to dance with me, Makino-san?" Even with all the refinement and money that went with the poor thirteen year old in front of her, his hormonal urges were blatant in the way his eyes roamed her figure. He smiled cockily at her, waiting for her acceptance.  
  
"Beat it, kid." Susumu pushed Tsukushi behind him, and stared down at the boy, sizing him up. A scowl formed on his face in disapproval. "I've got the next dance with her. And for next time, if I ever catch you looking at anything other than my sister's face with that look in your eyes, you won't have any legs to dance with." He wagged a finger and pointed him back in the direction of the huddled mass of boys all watching in great interest at the guy who dared approach the girl while in the presence of her brother.  
  
The poor humiliated boy walked away speechless, and walked away a bit pale faced. However, his mind was eased of the threat when another pretty young girl walked by.  
  
All except Tsukushi burst out laughing, watching the boy walk away.  
  
"Don't worry. At some point they do grow up and notice that we have faces," Shizuka reassured Tsukushi. "Actually I remember the first time I met your brother, he couldn't seem to stop staring at my breasts either. Forget what I said. All men are hopeless."  
  
"Hey!" Susumu protested. "I love you for your beautiful soul, which is in your heart, which just so happens to be in your chest area. It's not my fault if I can't stop staring there and thinking about what a beautiful person you are on the inside."  
  
"Sure," she dryly replied.  
  
"I can't take much more of this. I can't dodge them every time. The last one thought that it would be proper to hold my ass the entire time we were dancing."  
  
"Who did it?! I'll kill the little mother..."  
  
"Language!"  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Tsukushi stood beside her mother, politely bidding farewell to the last of the guests as her mother made small talk at the other end of the procession of exiting guests. Shizuka had left long ago with Thomas offering her a ride home, and she briefly recalled Junpei leaving with a date he had picked up during the night. She cracked her neck to the side, trying to loosen her tense shoulders, and promptly regained her posture when the next batch of guests came to wish her a happy birthday. When Tama ushered the last person out, Tsukushi wearily slipped out of her heels, rubbing her sore feet.  
  
"I think that was the last guest," Tama sighed. She motioned for the maids to begin the clean up process, ordering them left and right to their designated areas.  
  
"Thank god," Tsukushi cheerfully yelled. "I think I'm going to need to ice my jaw later from all that smiling." Her hand cupped her chin, massaging the tender bones and muscles. "Have you seen Susumu?"  
  
"No, young miss. I doubt he would leave without a goodbye."  
  
"Yeah," she concurred. "I'll be back in a bit. Did my mother retire for the night already?"  
  
"I recall her saying something about getting her beauty sleep. She left with her personal maid already. She should be locked away in her room already."  
  
"Good. Remember to tell the cleaning crew not to start without us!" she yelled as she ascended up the staircase.  
  
Her bare feet pounded against the marble tiles as she ran up and down the hallways of the large mansion in search of her brother. After a few directions from the maids that had seen him pass by, she found herself stopping in front of her father's study. Her hand reached up to knock on the door but a loud shout stopped her from proceeding.  
  
"I'm not going to go into the business with you! How many times do we have to go over this? I don't want anything to do with it. It's not what I want to do." Susumu yelled. He pounded his fist on the large mahogany desk, sending the papers on the desktop blowing to the ground.  
  
"This is not a matter of what you want to do. As my only son, it's your duty to take over the company. I can't believe how ungrateful you can be after all I've given you! Who paid for the Aston Martin, the Porsche, and the Jaguar? This company paid for the clothes on your back and the apartment you live in. I doubt you pretty little girlfriend would still want you if you didn't have all of it."  
  
"Yeah, you've given me all this stuff, but at what price?" he snorted. His arms crossed against his chest like a petulant child. "It's all just a pay off. You didn't get shoved into that fucking military academy. You didn't get shipped away just so that your father wouldn't have to deal with you. You didn't get pushed aside for some bitch! Why would I want to work for something that took away my childhood."  
  
"Don't forget that you are never too old to be brought over my knee," his father sternly warned, lowering his voice. "This is all I'm ever going to ask of you. What are you planning to do with your life? We sent you to one of the best universities in America and you come back a drop out. Even worse, you drag that gaijin home with you."  
  
"Don't talk about my friends like that. Don't talk about Thomas like that. His family took me in when you kicked me out."  
  
"Yes, now I'm starting to regret ever letting you continue to fraternize with that boy. They coddled you over there. I cut you off to teach you a lesson to survive on your own not to have you attach yourself to some family taking you in like a charity case. They probably wouldn't have let you stay longer, considering what happened between you and the girl. It was a good thing I stepped in before you ruined both your lives. You're just lucky that I stepped in before her parents did."  
  
Susumu's face turned red venting out all his frustration and anger. Of all the things his father could bring up, it was her. "Leave her out of this," he growled. "Don't even fucking think about bringing her into this. I loved her, and she wanted to be with me."  
  
"She was engaged to another long before you came along. Do you really think someone of her stature and class would willingly walk away from her family? Do you seriously think they would let you take her away? All you managed to do was put a stain on her reputation. Her family would have made that bastard child's life hell. It was only after she came to her senses did the poor girl dispose of the problem."  
  
"That problem was my child!"  
  
"Stop being such an idiot. The world doesn't work that way for people like us."  
  
The tears flowed freely down his chest, as he remembered her ashen face as she stood on the doorstep. The faint glimmer of the light cast a silhouette of her face beneath the darkness. She stood there like stone, not crying one tear, perhaps finding she had no tears left to cry. Her hand was clutched over her flat stomach out of habit, as if the child that once resided in her womb would still be there. All he could do was stand dumbly in front of her, not quite hearing her words about the decision she took upon herself to make. She proceeded to list the reasons of why it was for the best as if the repetition of them would give them some reason, but in actuality it was to quell her doubts. There was nothing much he could do. With her apology to him and the return of his now shattered heart, he watched her walk away and return home. From then on, he never saw her again. It was like she had disappeared off the face of the earth.  
  
It wasn't until about a year ago, that he had allowed himself to open up to another woman. Shizuka was young, naïve and looked at him with nothing more or less than admiration. She was able to fill part of that gap in his heart, but never enough to heal it entirely. He loved her, and he would never deny it. However, he would never tell her his love for her would never compare to her.  
  
"That's why I hate this life! All that matters to you is your damn company! What about your fucking family?! I would never have abandoned my child. I would have shown that baby what a real family is, not this piece of shit we have!"  
  
The man behind the desk leaned over his desk, watching his strong son cry the tears of a broken man. "Your mother wanted you to take over the company. We built this all up for you. You know after she died, all I had left was to finish her dream, which was to build this empire for you," his voice quavered at the mention of his dead wife. "I never intentionally tried to replace your mother, but you must understand that a man has needs. Everything in this house was just so empty when she left us. Just understand that Kana fills my days with a bit less loneliness. I may not love her like your mother, but she makes living each day less difficult. I lost the one woman I'll ever truly love with all my heart, but you couldn't expect me to live the rest of my life mourning my loss."  
  
For the first time, Susumu looked into his father's weary eyes and saw a bit of himself in the man he called father. "Why do you need me now?"  
  
He folded his hands on the desk, and took a deep breath. "I wouldn't ask you to do this unless it was necessary. I know you were in the plans of building that little nightclub of yours, but family must take precedence. It seems the last few ventures we've invested in haven't shown the ROI that we expected. There have also been some internal problems of pilferage and a few shady deals made. The government is down our necks to clean house in the finance departments. I need someone to oversee some of the damage control."  
  
"How bad is the damage exactly?"  
  
"After paying off the fines, and trying to recoup our losses we're looking a heavy loss. We'll probably barely have enough to cover another year."  
  
"If we're in so deep, then why the party? Why the show that we're still rich?"  
  
"We have to keep up appearances. I've already penned the plans for a few deals tonight. I need you to just come back for a year at most. Then you can go and do whatever you want."  
  
"Fine."  
  
Tsukushi pressed her back against the wall hoping that they did not hear her gasp at the revelation. She knew for a fact that her mother had no clue as to how much debt they were in. If she knew that the fortune she thought she had secured years ago was now dwindling to nothingness, she would be singing a very different tune. Taking a deep breath, she realized that the conversation had come to an end. Hesitantly, she knocked on the door.  
  
"Come in."  
  
She walked in with her head held up high, pretending that she knew nothing. The tension in the air still hung thickly like a suffocating blanket. "I just came to say goodnight, otou-san," she smiled.  
  
The elderly gentleman smiled, and got up from his seat to give a peck on his adopted daughter's cheek. All the fierceness in him drained away at the sight of the burgeoning young woman in front of him. Over the years, he had kept his promise to accept the little girl as his own child. Like everyone else, he was unable to resist her charms, not even realizing that the small fondness for her turned into a fatherly love. "I hope you enjoyed your birthday, Tsukushi-chan."  
  
"I did," she enthusiastically nodded. "Everything was beautiful."  
  
He stepped away from her, and pulled out a key from his pocket to unlock the drawer to his desk. "I almost forgot to give you your birthday present."  
  
"Oh no," she protested. "The party and the dress was enough."  
  
"Just humor me for a moment," he chuckled, pulling out a flat package. He slipped the box into her hands and waited for her to open it.  
  
Out of curiosity, she unwrapped the strange package tied up in a plain brown paper. The string and the paper fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. Her eyes widened when she looked at the leather bound novel in her hands. The pages were yellowed with age, but well preserved enough to still remain intact to its binding. She carefully opened it up shocked to see the date on inside. "It's a first edition," she gasped.  
  
His smile widened, seeing her reaction to his little gift. "I remember you telling me how much you're in your Dickens phase. This is just a little lesson for you to remember that with great expectations, there is always a price to be paid. All you can do is not lose yourself to in them. Do what is right and you can do no wrong." He patted her gently on the shoulder, and trudged towards the door. "Goodnight."  
  
"Wait!" Tsukushi yelled running and jumping into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck, practically hanging herself on him. "Thank you so much," she whispered into his ear.  
  
He smiled and detached her from his neck patting her on the head. "Every year, you become more and more beautiful. I've loved watching you grow up over the years. I can't believe how fast time has passed." With those words said, he excused himself.  
  
She clutched the book to her chest, and turned around to face her brother grinning wildly. "I can't believe it."  
  
"Neither can I," Susumu grunted. "Now I don't know if I should give you my gift. How can I match up to that gift?" He sighed and dug his hands in his pockets. "Now I don't know if I should give it to you now."  
  
"Aw. Come one, Susumu. You always give your gift last. You know it's always my favorite."  
  
"Fine," He pulled a small velvet box from his pocket and tossed it across the room.  
  
She caught the box in her one free hand, and placed the treasured book onto the desk. "Jewelry?"  
  
"You won't know unless you open it."  
  
Slowly, she tugged the lid open with a loud cracking sound. She stared down at the small silver ring with a small blue stone encased in the setting. She fingered the small ring, slipping it onto her ring finger, but finding that it was a few sizes too large for her slender fingers.  
  
"There's a chain in the box, too. I knew it was too big, so I got you a chain to hang it from. Let me help you. Hold back your hair."  
  
She did as she was told and watched him clasp the chain around her neck. The ring fell just above her chest. The blue stone glimmered in the dim lighting. She furrowed her eyebrows as she played with the ring between her fingertips. Realization struck her, as she remembered where she had seen the article before. "I can't take this."  
  
"Why?"  
  
She turned around, looking at him questioningly, wondering if he was thinking clearly when he gave away this prized possession. "It was your mother's ring."  
  
He offered a small smile, and kissed her on the forehead. "I want you to have it. You're my family. My mother left it to me to give to the girl I fell in love with one day. There are only two women alive that I love more than my own life. You're all I've got now. I want you to have it. I won't even take no for an answer," he laughed. Susumu brushed past her, and opened the door to the study gesturing her to leave first. "I think we should go and get the real party started. Can't keep everyone waiting."  
  
Tsukushi closed her mouth, realizing that he would not let her argue any more with him. "Let's go."  
  
They walked hand in hand down the stairs towards the grand ballroom where a large group had gathered. The lights were dimmed, and a small cart rolled out with a cake lit up with thirteen candles.  
  
"Happy Birthday!"  
  
Tsukushi ran the rest of the way down dragging Susumu with her. He barely made it down alive when she jumped the last few steps, causing him to trip and fall down along with her. He watched her childish glee as she blew out the candles and the lights were turned back on revealing all the help in the house clapping.  
  
"Let's have the real party now!" Tsukushi cheered pulling her brother onto the dance floor.  
  
In the late hours of the night, they held their own party. The false pretenses of formality and seriousness were lost to sheer joy of celebrating. The doors of the hall were shut to stop any noise from escaping, and the staff was treated to the one large party of the year at their employer's expense. They drowned themselves in the leftover food and champagne from earlier, enjoying each other's company while the uptight orchestral music was exchanged for a CD player hooked up to the sound system. For one night of the entire year, they let go and had fun.  
  
Tsukushi laughed until her sides ached, running back and forth the dance floor in her long gown letting her feet slide across the waxed floor. She watched in sheer delight as Susumu dragged Tama out there and began to dance around her, trapping her with his so called 'sexy' moves. She was no longer the young mistress of the house and he wasn't the young master. As they had done so every year on her birthday, they were just Tsukushi and Susumu.  
  
------------------One year later-----------------------  
  
"I'm so sorry for your loss," another faceless nameless person inaudibly whispered.  
  
The words were empty. At first, they politely smiled, nodded their heads, and shook their hands. However, after three days of going through the same motions, any sense of polite etiquette had been drained out of them. They all said the same things over and over offering some kind of sympathy for their loss, but not quite grasping the severity of the emotions they felt. It was even worse when they walked down the procession and whispered amongst themselves about the tragedy of it all.  
  
For the second time, Kana was a widow. For the second time, Tsukushi lost a father. For the second time, Susumu buried another parent.  
  
"I think you need to sit down at take a rest, little one," Tama chided Tsukushi. She looked on in disapproval at the way the girl's face had considerably thinned and the dark circles that began to form under her eyes. She gently nudged the girl to follow her out of the house to get some fresh air outside.  
  
Tsukushi numbly followed after she gently squeezed her brother's hand, telling him she would be going out for a bit. Her feet moved like dead weights, trudging along without any real bounce anymore. As she walked through the familiar halls of her own home, her body involuntarily shivered, sensing the lingering effects of death in the air. She ignored the pointed stares in her direction, those watchful eyes that looked through her with only pity.  
  
When they reached outside, Tama grabbed an extra coat and an umbrella. They walked outside to see the beginning drops of rain begin to fall. The older woman draped the random coat she had taken from inside over the young girl's shoulders, seeing them slump under the weight. It was a few sizes too big for her, looking more like a cloak.  
  
"Will you come visit me, Tama?" she asked in a small voice like a lost child.  
  
"Of course, I will."  
  
"That's good. I'll miss not seeing you every day. I'll miss everyone I think." She stared off into the gardens, lost in her own dazed state. "It's funny how I sometimes wished I could leave this place. Now that I'll never see it again, I can't help but miss it. Life's kind of funny like that. It's like how you wake up one morning like all the rest expecting to start the day as you do every day. You get your uniform out, get ready for school, and go downstairs where Michiko would have breakfast ready. Before I would leave the house, she would sneak me a few extra cookies into my lunch box, scolding me that it would be the last time she gave me extra sweets even though she's done that since the day I came here. Then one call to the office can change everything."  
  
She sighed recalling the terrible events that occurred a few weeks ago when she had been called out of her history class. There was that moment of relief she felt at having been released from the lecture for a break. When she got to the office, something was wrong though. They called her into the principal's office, except he wasn't there. Susumu was, with this blank, lost expression on his face. Tama stood by his side with a dull look in her eyes.  
  
"I'm scared," she broke down crying. Hot tears fell down her cheeks mixing with the cold rainwater pelting her. She buried her face into Tama's shoulder with her body convulsing in wracked sobs. She cried all the pain, fear, and anguish she wanted to let out, but was too afraid to show in front of her brother. For him, she put on a brave face, not wanting to burden him with anymore than he was left to handle.  
  
------------------------------------  
  
Susumu watched the fat balding man in the black Armani business suit walk inside after shaking his hands. He took a deep, calming breath and weakly smiled at Shizuka, who was already inside, milling about and talking to their guests. He mouthed a word of thanks for her offering to come help orchestrate all the guests during the wake. Sighing in relief that no more guests seemed to be arriving, he scanned the room, checking to see where his dear stepmother was.  
  
Kana was beside herself with grief. To those on the outside, she was the grief stricken widow plagued by the fact that her poor husband had left her alone in this world. The pity increased only more when they whispered around her about the two strikes against her. To be made a widow twice in one lifetime was rather rare. Some questioned whether it was some strange curse upon her to have her spouse die. Others snuck in the fact that it was a little too coincidental that with her bad luck she was left penniless twice. Kana broke down in tears once more, wiping away the bothersome salty droplets with her pure white handkerchief. For once again, Kana was out one husband and without someone to provide for her.  
  
He shook his head, sneering in disgust at his stepmother's theatrics. He knew for a fact, that she was putting up an act. The day they had heard the news and rushed to the hospital, she was ranting like a lunatic, cursing his father for leaving her. It was also the same day that news went out that their company had gone belly up. When his father's dream died, so did he. The man's weak heart and constitution was no match for the shock.  
  
Things were really fucked up and they were only getting worse with each passing day after his father's demise. The government rushed through the doors of all their operations in a raid to find all the evidence pointing to a few year's worth of tax fraud, embezzlement, and illegal business practices. The scandal was the talk of the town, but most likely would be forgotten when the next big shit hit the gossip mill. It was enough to put away a few of their top executives to serve some jail time. The biggest joke of all was how his father hadn't even realized the depth of employee disloyalty and betrayal. They all said, "How could the president of the company not know they were stealing from him left and right?" They were all living it up with their Swiss bank accounts on his father's dollar, and he was the fool doling out the access and funds to do so. Their stock fell drastically, making the shares they held worthless. The oil refineries located somewhere out in a few oceans away had dried up long ago. They was nothing left to drill at the moment, and the expenses to keep those men out there searching proved wasteful and futile. The accountants who had been handling the family's finances apparently had been playing with the numbers, forcing their family to pay back years of back taxes. This lead to the repossession of assets and freezing of their accounts. It would take a few months before that mess was sorted out.  
  
All in all, everything was gone. Whatever was left was given to his father's favorite charities as his last act of goodwill, while his wife was left with a paltry sum of a half a million dollars and ownership of a rather pricey penthouse apartment he kept across town. Shinimori Koishijiro would be remembered as a fool with too much money and too little business sense. He would serve as an example in future business schools around the world of the perils of big business at the hands of one small man. To his son and daughter, he was a man that had too much faith in humanity.  
  
One lesson could be learned form him. Trust is a dangerous weapon when entrusted to the wrong people.  
  
With all the materialistic loss going around, Susumu luckily escaped unscathed and with little damage done to his own savings. He was left with a small inheritance from his father, but the bulk of his fortune came in the form of the trust fund his mother set up for him as a child. At the age of 18, he was able to access an allotted amount of money per year. When he reached had his twenty-first birthday, he was granted full access as a legal adult. It was more than enough for him to get by on.  
  
He couldn't take much more of the falsity of the people around him. He just walked away in the middle of whoever's speech of condolences in search of Tsukushi. His heart ached for some sense of comfort from the only person other than Tama he could really call family. His steps came to a halt as he walked into the scene of the sought-after girl crying in the arms of their nanny. Deciding to take care of her himself, he tapped Tama on the shoulder who gladly shifted the girl onto him, while pulling her out of the rain.  
  
"It's okay to cry," he shushed Tsukushi, trying to comfort him the best way he could. "I was beginning to worry why you haven't cried once."  
  
"I... didn't...want...worry...you..." she stuttered in between hiccups.  
  
He patted her back, trying to coax her out of her fit of coughs. "It's my job. I'm your brother. I'm supposed to take care of you."  
  
She pulled her face away from his shirt, and looked up at him through the tears in her eyes. "How can you, when I won't be allowed to see you?"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Mama has forbid me to see you after the funeral. She thinks you're a bad influence."  
  
"What?!" His eyes flashed red as he redirected his gaze indoors at the woman. "I'm a bad influence? When was the last time she looked in the mirror?" He quickly reached one conclusion to solve her worries. "How about you come live with me?"  
  
The idea frightened her a bit. On one hand, she wanted nothing more than to go live with her brother. At the same time, she was bound to her sense of loyalty to her mother. No matter what had happened in the past, the present, or would happen, she held the resolute decision to remain by her mother's side. "I can't. I can't leave Mama alone. She can't live without me to take care of her now."  
  
He sighed, knowing that in a way, she was right. He had no right whatsoever to take a daughter form the mother. As a non-blood relative, he had no real legal basis to take her in without her mother's consent. "I understand. Just remember that nothing could stop me from seeing my baby sister. Promise me that the second things get uncomfortable, you'll come to me, okay? No matter what, promise me you'll come to me."  
  
"I will."  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Author's Note: Lookie! I finally came up with a new chapter. I blame it on March madness. It's like college has this evil plot to screw with me by putting all the deadlines for financial aid, midterms, papers, and volunteering in one month before spring break, the bastards. Now as I sit here procrastinating from studying for my business ethics midterm I'll respond to a few reviews from Last Resort.  
  
XxSwtDreamerxX: Sorry, but I had to put Last Resort on a break. I was drowning in angst. Thanks for reading, and don't worry I plan to probably get a new chapter by June. I'm writing a few scenes here and there when the mood strikes.  
  
Lian: Yeah, I've been messing around with way too many characters for my own good. Actually I really like Rui in this story. He's stupid, but I have my reasons for his stupidity. All them have problems that stem from something earlier in their lives, so it's understandable if they are emotionally dysfunctional. Oh, Rui, my boy I have a few huge twists up my sleeve for you. I just can't help but maniacally laugh out loud when an ingenious plot twist comes around. But seriously, I never thought people would really be that annoyed by Rui and Shizuka in this story. They're good people in my book. Maybe a bit misguided, but still they're good people. Everyone deserves some small ounce of happiness. It's been so long since you updated Struggle. My advice is that if you really feel you can continue it at the same standard that you deem good then you should continue. I write these fics for myself mainly. If I don't like it, I don't write it. Once the love for a story is gone, you've pretty much dug a grave for it. Trying to pull it back out is painful. Plus, I'm one of those people who prefers to read other people's stuff than write my own. I can spend hours with a chapter on Word opened up, but end up reading some other fanfics the entire time.  
  
Star_gal: I have developed some sick attachment to Akira. I seriously need someone to fight me back with a stick to keep me from writing some more Akira x Tsukushi scenes. Their scenes just come so easily considering how happy the guy is. We all need our own Akira to get through the day. Right now I know exactly what will happen with the pairings. For the first time, I actually wrote it down on a piece of paper outlining it. So, it's pretty much set in stone. And for once, there will be a definite ending and you'll know who ends up with who. No weird open endings where people will harass me about who they ended up with. As to what they are my lips are sealed.  
  
Cuppajava: I loved the way you referred to Yuuki and Thomas' relationship as an "unholy alliance". I was laughing for quite a bit since I never thought of it that way. Every time I think of them now I imagine them in some dark room with a single lamp huddled over some master plan to seduce Jiro and Sakurako. Those two have some ways to go.  
  
Just a teen: Thanks for the long reviews. I always do love long reviews. It's good feedback to see how I'm doing. I'm not a big fan of any pairing in particular when it comes to fanfics, but they're usually some kind of "RxTxT triangular oh god why doesn't he/she love me and not them blah blah blah" story. I'm generally an angst-addict, but it's nice that Return to Me is a bit less with the horrifying tragic characters; although, I do have a big fat needle full of angst to inject into that sucker. I'm glad you liked the TxT scenes in the last chapter. I always find putting those two together in a scene without having them want to kill each other difficult. She's stubborn and so is he. That just makes all the work harder to make one them bend a bit.  
  
Toinks: Whoa! You got me so hyped up over Echoes of the Past. I just wonder how she conceived Tsukasa now. I keep thinking that it might have to do with the miracle of science. That last chapter just threw me off. I couldn't stop laughing at the poor gay man forced marry a woman. It's scary how intuitive you are about my plotlines sometimes. It scares me when you slightly hint at what I have planned with just a guess. Well, it keeps me thinking of new ways to utterly shock and horrify my readers.  
  
To everyone else, thanks for the reviews. I actually do sit down and read them.  
  
Final thanks to Cuppajava and Elsa for being my betas. You bear with me through all the typos, wayward grammar, and disappearing for weeks.  
  
Okay, I've talked long enough. For those wondering, here is the rundown on fic status. Next Introspection chapter will be up by the end of this week probably. Next Return to Me is almost done. Secrets is on its way, too. Once Upon a Dream has been deleted and a lengthy epilogue will put in its place. I have spring break the first week of April, so that leaves me two full weeks of pure adulterated writing time. April=many, many updates. 


	3. Tsukushi: Chapter 3

Disclaimer: See previous chapters.   
  
  
Tsukushi-Chapter 3  
  
  
  
  
Her husband was buried. Her mansion was gone. The entire service staff that answered to her every whim was dispatched along with the rest of her wealth. Most people would think that a million dollars would last a normal person a few years, but with the life that Kana had adjusted herself to, the money flowed through her hands like water. She still flaunted about the town without a care in the world as if she still owned it, but everyone knew better.  
  
They talked behind her back. Now, all the women that had once welcomed her into their inner circles as one of the wives' cast her out like a leper. It wasn't completely unfounded that they did so, considering the precarious relationships they had to begin with. She had always been somewhat of a threat since day one when she entered their world. She was young, beautiful, and seductive in her charms. Very few men could resist falling prey to her honeyed words and lingering glances. Word was out fast. Shinimori Kana was a free woman, and no man was safe.  
  
The original bitch was back in action.   
  
On the other hand, Tsukushi settled into her now more peaceful life as a normal person. She no longer had the luxury of riding the limo to school, the elaborate bento boxes with her favorite sushi, or the freedom to buy the latest of anything lately. Those things didn't really bother her that much. She was even happy to see all her lessons stop when money got tight. Now things were beginning to hit on hard times. Her mother was a bit more aggressive about deciding how much allowance she be given. Any extra money left for treats such as buying a new book or clothes was left up to the small sums Susumu dropped off to her once in awhile.   
  
Once again, Tsukushi watched her mother get back in action. It had been a long nine-year break from the dating scene. Her mother was no longer as youthful as she once was and the stigma as a double widow followed her wherever she went. Finding men willing to take on the forty something woman was proving to be a bit more difficult than she expected. The signs of her fleeting beauty were becoming more and more apparent with each wrinkle and line on her face.   
  
------------------------   
  
It had been a few months already, but the growing frustration and strain in Kana's entire being was building into one giant mass of tension. Her search for a new provider was proving to be a bit more strenuous than she realized. Sure, there were plenty of men out there. All of those years as Shinimori's wife weren't put to waste as she had made quite a few connections and half flirtations with the opposite gender. It was crunch time, and she was ready to make good on her promises.   
  
Tsukushi always questioned her mother's faithfulness. She was almost positively sure that her mother would never have strayed from her deceased stepfather. The man kept her too fat and content in her luxury. Tsukushi had long figured out that her mother may have been one to let her hands and eyes stray, but nothing would stop her from screwing up what she liked to refer to as a good thing'.   
  
And so, Kana went out with a vengeance night after night. For a woman in her forties, the entire dating scene had changed a great deal. She smiled and walked away politely when the man whose arm she once occupied would wander off at sight of the first young thing about a decade or two younger. Although she argued in her own rationale that men would choose experience over the cheap novelty of youth and innocence, she was sadly mistaken. Sophistication and charm would always lose out to fucking a pretty little thing with double D's and an empty head to match.   
  
The problem was only worsened by the talk surrounding her. There were the lingering stares or the way they always managed to approach her slightly brushing against her arm or leg. Too bad, for her they weren't directed towards her, but towards Tsukushi.   
  
There is always that dilemma when mother has to step down to daughter to take her place at the pedestal, but kana refused to give it up. Well, at least not without a fight.   
  
Jealousy is like a disease living in your system, festering and thriving in the confines of oneself. No one has the right to say that they hold no jealousy. It lies deep within us all locked away in a place where the world cannot see waiting for that moment where madness will prevail and all sanity collapses into a miasma of hatred.   
  
Kana was in a downward spiral, and she was drowning in her own pool of pity and self-deprecation. What better release than to take out her problems on the only one in the world who would ever truly love her, ironically being her greatest admirer and enemy.   
  
What happened to Arima-san?  
  
Apparently he never had any intentions to leave his wife, she snorted. Well, that's just another one to chalk up to the dead end list. She flippantly waved her hand letting the statement slip from her lips as if she were discussing the weather.   
  
Tsukushi stood awkwardly in the doorway of her mother's bedroom watching in some kind of eerie stupor at her primping ritual in front of the vanity. She looked straight ahead into the mirror seeing her own reflection standing behind her mother's. There were such stark differences between the two of them that Tsukushi could only stare in wonder at how they could be related. They were like night and day contrasting in all respects from looks, personality, and general opinion.   
  
It was her deepest secret, though, that Tsukushi wished for her mother's understanding or some middle ground. Although she didn't agree with everything Kana had done or would do, Tsukushi found herself stuck in a rare moment stuck in that place where she wished for a moment she could resemble the woman sitting in that chair in front of the mirror. She yearned for a shred of that brief time when it was her and her mother, and she could look up to that woman truly adoring her without reservation.   
  
Kana rose from her seat letting her long gown sweep to the ground. She turned her head at a few various angles inspecting her hair to make sure not a single stray lock and fallen out of the tight chignon she had bundled her hair into. A single diamond tennis bracelet graced her wrist, a gift given to her about two years ago for her birthday from her late husband. Her lips had been painted a dark crimson, and her eyes smeared with smoky black kohl.   
  
It was a stark difference to see the two. One was the seductress, and the other a naïve girl.   
  
She spun around and smiled to herself in satisfaction. How do I look?  
  
Beautiful, Mama, Tsukushi eagerly responded.   
  
The older woman stopped in mid and smiled lightly. Come here, she instructed with a soft-spoken voice tinted with a certain feminine air. She patted her daughter on the shoulder instructing her to sit down on the chair. Her hands skimmed over the various bottles, jars, sticks, and random cosmetics lying about. She pulled her head to look forward, and leaned over Tsukushi's shoulder whispering, You have my complexion. A wistful look appeared on her face, as she gently brushed the back of her hand against Tsukushi's cheek. You're a very pretty girl, do you know that?  
  
Tsukushi dumbly nodded her head almost hesitating with her answer. A few lingering doubts floated in her mind slowing her response.   
  
Long slender finger threaded through her long strands plucking and weaving them into an intricate braiding. Such a pretty, pretty girl, her voice rasped.   
  
Tsukushi blushed at the random compliment that came without any warning. It was rare that her mother ever really complimented her for anything if at all. She stared into the mirror seeing a foreign image before her. Her mother seemed to be lost in thought, as she silently ran the brush through her hair. The length and force of her stroked slowly came down harder and faster. The hairs were pulled taut against her scalp being wrapped around the hairs of the brush.   
  
Tactfully, she reached up to stop eh harsh jerking movements of her mother's hands. Her voice was so weak and small. Mama, please stop. It hurts.   
  
The fog that had clouded Kana's mind cleared way to some coherency of her surroundings. The realization of where she was and what she was doing shone in the small startled look in her dark brown eyes. The brush fell to the ground with a dull thud. Her face fell with it, staring at the object with no recognition on her face as if wondering what it was. You don't know pain, she hissed. You don't know hurt like I have. A flicker of madness shone in her face when she lifted her eyes to meet the mirror. What do you see?  
  
I see me. I see you, Tsukushi murmured to the dead air.   
  
I see what once was and what I can never have again. Do you know what people see when they look at you and me? They see the mother and the daughter. They used to ask if you were my sister, but not anymore. Now they ask about my beautiful daughter. You do it on purpose, you know.  
  
I don't understand what you're talking about. I didn't do anything.  
  
That only makes them want you more. They used to want me for that very same reason. All men will tell you there's nothing like breaking in a fresh one. I bet you love it when they look at you with that look in their eyes following you wherever you go.   
  
They don't see me. They see you, Mama, Tsukushi confessed frightened by the maddened look in her mother's eyes. She cringed waiting for the next blow knowing well now that her mother's shift in moods held no real predictability all relying on some sort of internal clock within her.   
  
You're a smart little slut, aren't you? I see it in your eyes, in the way you walk, and in the way you talk. You should be wary of men. Once they get tired of your pretty little face they'll toss you aside like the next day's trash. Your innocence won't save you forever.  
  
Tsukushi sunk further into the chair feeling her mother's fingernails dig deeper into her shoulders leaving burning red marks in the flesh. She remained speechless letting her own terror consume her.   
  
Now get out of my sight!  
  
She dumbly nodded and took the order obediently scurrying form her room. A few seconds later, the sound of a door slamming could be heard from within Kana's room. She rigidly picked up the brush from the ground, and stared at her own reflection contemplating her appearance. A dazzling smile formed on her lips growing wider and stretching across her face, and she fingered the small hairs tucking them back into their place where they belonged. By the chime of the old grandfather clock in the main hall, she realized that the night was fast approaching. The party being thrown by the Takeda corporation would be starting. Swiftly her purse was pulled from the table, and she stalked out the door locking her daughter behind to wallow over what had been said. The same sardonic smirk she wore remained intact.  
  
Nothing made for a better high than destroying your child's happiness.   
  
-----------------------------------   
  
The vicious cycle continued for months. Men walked in and out of their lives in a revolving door of affairs, sex, and money. All staying power was rendered unattainable. The well was running dry, and so was Kana's patience. Her recent slew of erratic bursts of anger was running rampant focusing on the only person around to accept the abuse.   
  
For a while, Kana was losing all hope and began centering her attentions on her innocent daughter. There was that small amount of defeat in her willing to accept the fact that her prime had passed. However, there was always hope for her daughter, who was just breaching that time in her life where her assets could be fully utilized.   
  
It was only when a certain man had taken a certain liking for the woman did her efforts to sell of her daughter diminish. That second chance to get back into the game was more than enough to lure her back into the game. He was her last chance, her last ace to shuffle herself back into the deck.   
  
Determination, a Victoria's Secret enhancing bra, some botox, and a new wardrobe later, she was back in.   
  
  
  
Yes, Mama, Tsukushi quickly answered, walking out of her bedroom. She finished up tying her hair with a pink ribbon to match the short sundress she wore of matching color.   
  
Her mother let her critical eyes roam over her daughter's appearance, making sure that every single detail was perfect. Are you ready?  
  
  
  
Good. I don't want any screw ups with Renjou-san, her shrill voice screeched. God knows how hard it was to get him to take some time for our two families to meet.  
  
I already know what, Mama. You've told me before.  
  
It's top enough to tell you one sometimes, she snapped. Her nails dug into the small clutch purse in her hand. A chance like this doesn't come along often. Renjou-san is a family man, so we must appear to him as a perfect addition to his family. He even specially requested that you come along on our date. His son will be there, too. It wouldn't be too bad for yourself if you made a nice playmate out of the young man. There is no blood tie if I were to marry his father.  
  
The thought slightly unnerved Tsukushi. It didn't matter if his son was to be her stepbrother. It was like insinuating she should have relations with Susumu outside of the brother-sister bond they shared.   
  
Knowing that whatever she said would not be the right answer, she nodded her head. Better judgment taught her that in situations such as this it is best to just go with the flow. All that mattered was her mother's happy. If she was happy then everyone else could be happy.   
  
The most disturbing part of their entire relationship was Tsukushi's unwavering love for the woman. She loved her no matter what just because she was her mother. No one could tell her otherwise nro would she ever disagree with her affirmation.   
  
There's no use in arguing with her when she gets that man hungry look in her eyes. I've learned long ago to just ignore what she says.   
  
Come, Tsukushi. We don't; want to be late.  
  
Yes, Mama.   
  
-------------------   
  
She shifted uncomfortably in her seat watching her mother make polite small talk with her current boyfriend. Tsukushi stared out into the restaurant in boredom, picking at her salad with a fork. She droned out the words of conversation around her, only nodding her head once in awhile or giving a brief answer when conversation was directed towards her.   
  
In all fairness, she was bored out of her mind. There were only so much of her mother's flirtatious topics she could stomach. Also, there was that strange boy across the table who hadn't once yet stopped staring at her with something much less than good intentions in his eyes. She diverted her gaze from him at all costs, hoping he would stop soon, but gave up on that idea about an hour ago.   
  
So, I hear from you mother that you play the piano, Tsukushi?  
  
Huh? Oh, yes, she answered coming out of her haze. I've played for a few years now.  
  
he asked. He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose, and looked towards his son. Mito started lessons just about a year ago. Perhaps you could help him when he practices sometime.  
  
A swift kick to her shin underneath the table and a glare from her mother told her to answer with the right answer she wanted to hear. I would like that. Right, Mito-kun?  
  
I would love a private lesson some time, the boy responded.  
  
She continued smiling that empty smile, and thanked god when their parents decided to continue their conversation abut other topics away from their children. So, she continued picking at the next course of their meal. Her body jolted when a hand crawled onto her thigh, touching her bare skin. She wanted to jump up and scream, but bit the inside of her mouth to keep from screaming. She moved her leg a bit trying to shake the offending hand away, but her sudden movements seemed to only spur on further movement of his hand upwards. Her eyes darted downwards, connecting the hand to the boy inconspicuously taking a bite of his steak.   
  
She panicked, trying to think of anything to stop his northward moving hand. Her eyebrow twitched, and she could taste the salty, sweet flow of blood in her mouth. Desperately, she searched for something, if anything, to use to stop his wandering hands. Out of sheer anger, she grabbed her salad fork and jabbed it into his hand.  
  
  
  
What is it?!  
  
He held his hand to his chest and quickly shook his head. I just had a shock of static electricity, is all, he lied.   
  
Tsukushi slipped the fork back onto the table, and picked up her dinner fork, happily munching away at her salmon. She shot Mito a knowing smile across the table. For the rest of the night, his wandering hands seemed to now remain at his side.   
  
Perhaps the night wasn't at a total loss.  
  
-------------------------------   
  
Money was really becoming tight around the house now. Tsukushi sighed again as she pulled out her wallet, staring at the apparent lack of funds. She looked wistfully into the store window one last time, saying goodbye to her chances of ever getting that cute dress in the window she had been pining over. Her hand pressed up against the cold, cool glass, leaving an impression.   
  
Maybe some other time.  
  
Wearily, she tugged the strap of her bag higher onto her shoulder, and walked down the busy street of the shopping district, watching the people walk by. The days had started to become much hotter now, and school was almost out. Graduation would be coming soon, and her final year in the private academy would be finished. With their quickly diminishing funds, she was only so lucky that she had decided to apply to some local public high schools. However, by some miracle, she had also scored well enough on her entrance exams to get into Eitoku. The choice was easily made when her mother found the letter of acceptance.   
  
_You have to go there!  
  
Why? I never liked hanging around those rich, snotty kids much anyway. I'd be happier going to the public school.  
  
Her mother slammed the letter down on the table. Are you an idiot?! If you go to Eitoku you could meet some respectable young man. Now is the time to start looking for prospective husbands. It would be perfect to find a high school sweetheart, date through college, and then you can marry. Our problems would be solved. It doesn't hurt either if your boyfriend has a gold card.  
  
I'm only fifteen. Why would I be thinking of a husband now?  
  
This discussion is going nowhere. Sometimes, I wonder how you could be my daughter. For all that intelligence your teachers brag about, you really don't understand what the real world is about. You are going to Eitoku and that is final. She finished the last of her tirade with a red face from all the yelling. Not even waiting for a retort, she got up and walked to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.   
  
_Tsukushi kicked the rock in front of her foot into the street, and stared up into the sky watching the passing clouds.   
  
I thought life would get a bit easier without the money. I guess not.   
  
It was rather too obvious with her mother's intentions on the school she was being sent to. Eitoku screamed of the elite, the best of the best, and also for the well known undisclosed matchmaking pool. It was a meat market where girls were sent running in herds to fight for the dominant alpha male. He had to have the six C's: cash, credit card, car, career, certificate, and condo. If he lacked any of it, he was rendered useless to your needs.   
  
There are certain needs a man has. It's our job to fulfill them, Tsukushi, she mumbled in disgust recalling one of her mother's many lectures.   
  
Maybe it was the close confines spaces of the apartment, but never in her life had she ever recalled her mother taking such a hands-on approach to raising her. It was always the same night after night. Her mother would walk into the room demanding full attention as she went off one some rant about the importance of one's grooming and refinement, of associating with the right people, and of course, being whoever the hell they wanted you to be.   
  
Tsukushi wanted no part in those things, but when did she ever have a choice to begin with?  
  
She dug her hands into the pockets of her blazer, and she blew her overgrown bangs out of her eyes. Her feet ached from the last few hours of standing she had done. The small headache of knowing of all the homework to be done later did nothing to ease the pain. That was the price she had to pay, though. She was lucky enough to find a part time job to help cover her expenses. While all the other girls in her class left school in their limos to go to their lessons, she walked that half hour from the school to the little bakery where she managed to get a part time job. Of course, her mother knew nothing about it. If she did, she either would have made her quit or taken the little money she earned.  
  
Let's see. If I work overtime for the next three weeks, and maybe talk that nice salesgirl into putting the dress on lay away while I can scrounge up enough money. Maybe I could ask Yuuki to borrow just a bit. Naw, I shouldn't do that, she mumbled to herself. The little inner monologue that she believed was taking place in the privacy of her mind was in fact being spoken aloud.   
  
Seen something you like, a deep, smooth voice whispered from behind her.   
  
The sound of his voice so close to her ear made her shiver with some unknown temerity she previously had not felt. It seemed almost as if the sun had disappeared from the sky, leaving behind a still coldness. Unconsciously, her arms wrapped around her chest in a futile attempt to ward off the strange chill that resembled something close to uneasiness. Turning around, she came face to face with the familiar face of the man she had seen so often accompanying her mother. In the middle of the street during mid afternoon, his face was illuminated underneath the liquid gold of the sun's rays. His eyeglasses reflected a bit of a glare from the light. His lips curved into an unreadable smile while the tan flesh of his chest became slightly exposed from the hunched over position he took to see her at eye level. Being a good head taller and maybe a bit more, he had to bow a bit to meet her gaze.  
  
Tsukushi's face scrunched up for a second, studying her mother's current boyfriend standing so close to her proximity. The faint scent of his cologne, resembling some type of musk, filtered through her nose. What a coincidence meeting you here, Renjou-san, she politely greeted bowing slightly as a show of respect to her elder. Although at the moment, his disposition seemed to be much different from the corporate CEO in conservative business suit she had met before. Now, with his jacket slung over his shoulder, his shirt pulled out, untucked, and unbuttoned at the top, he could have passed for a few years younger and not the forty something man he really was. He was a man that had aged very well over the years.  
  
I couldn't help but notice you standing here in front of this store window, he replied. I happened to take the rest of the afternoon off from the office, and was on my way out to get a cup of coffee. Would you like to join me?  
  
She pondered over his question for a moment, and decided to refuse his offer, seeing as how she would be expected home soon. I'm sorry, but Mama is probably expecting me home soon. I should get going.  
  
However, before she could dart off, a hand firmly seized her wrist, pulling her back. She stumbled backwards a few steps falling against a hard chest. Immediately her face flushed realizing the awkward position they were in. She pushed herself away from him, and placed her hand over her beating heart. Her eyes looked up to meet his, which were blazed with a hint of annoyance and persistence.   
  
Come on, Tsukushi-chan. A little drink won't hurt much. I'll even drive you home afterwards to explain to your mother that I was the reason for your tardiness. Please?  
  
She felt something heavy in the pit of her stomach as she graciously smiled at his offer. I don't know.  
  
Please come. I was just discussing with your mother the other day the idea of perhaps getting to know you better. Your mother agreed with me that we should. He flashed his pearly white teeth, reassuring her of the validity of his words.  
  
She shuffled her feet against the pavement before finally surrendering. If Mama thought it would be a good idea, it couldn't hurt. How about we go to that café over there. She pointed to the small outdoor café a few doors down the street and began trudging towards its general direction. She could sense another figure fall into place beside her. Her eyes stayed on the ground, focusing on the strange way his shadow seemed to envelope hers from behind as they walked.   
  
They seated themselves in a small table on the sidewalk overlooking the passing traffic. At that time of day, the city seemed to have come to a snail's pace, with few pedestrians or cars.  
  
Nervously, she fidgeted with the edge of her overly short skirt. Even though she had spent much time with the man before, it seemed like a completely different scenario without the stares of his son on her or the mindless banter of her mother. She silently wished her mother were there to fill the awkward silence.   
  
I won't bite, he laughed with a deep hearty chuckle that seemed to rise from his chest. I don't think I'm that hideous. Or is it the fact you're embarrassed to be seen with such an old man?   
  
Oh no! she gushed rather quickly, hoping she hadn't insulted the man. She knew at some level that one false step, could send her mother on a tirade about losing another man. She forced herself to lift her chin up and meet his eyes. I've never been much for making small talk, she confessed.   
  
Oh, for a moment I was worried that I was becoming one of those men girls your age were ashamed to be seen with.  
  
Not at all! Umm There are a ton of women who are falling over themselves at you. You really are quite handsome, devastatingly even. Her hand cupped her mouth, stopping herself from spouting any more idiotic rambling. Oh forget it. I'm really bad at small talk, she exhaled, exasperated with herself. She could feel her face burning up in humiliation. Her head fell onto the table with a dull thud. How about I just get up and leave, after making an idiot of myself beyond belief?  
  
A warm hand fell on her head patting it gently. It's okay. I didn't mean to make you so nervous. It's actually quite nice to be referred to as devastatingly handsome, he smirked. Don't worry. I'll keep that between you and me.  
  
She raised her head and sighed.   
  
He leaned back against his chair, and tapped his fingers lightly on the tablecloth. I should be the one getting tongue tied around you. From what I've heard from my son, you're quite the heartbreaker yourself.  
  
I wouldn't say that, she mumbled.   
  
Oh really? He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. According to my son and his friends, you're quite popular. Too bad they're too young and stupid to get the courage to tell you that. They all assume you already have a boyfriend. Do you have one?  
  
She raised her hands, emphasizing her point in their waving action. No! I don't have a boyfriend. I'm not really interested in anyone at school. I don't seem to have much in common with them. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong there, like I'm out of place.  
  
He nodded his head in understanding. Reaching forward and placing his hand over hers, he smiled reassuringly. Well, they do say girls mature faster than boys. What you need, is a man.   
  
The last statement left his lips in barely a whisper when he leaned forward. His face was all but a few centimeters from hers. She shrunk back with wide eyes, shocked at what he was doing. His hand reached out, pushing back a stray lock of hair behind her ear.   
  
Their intimate position was disturbed when the waitress came out with the tray holding their drinks. He flashed her a mischievous smile, causing the poor serving woman to laugh idiotically. She shook her head, trying to rouse herself from her frazzled state, and set to work placing their drinks on their table.   
  
Slowly, Renjou-san retreated back into his seat and picked up his cup of coffee, taking a small sip. Tsukushi followed in suit, and poured some sugar into her iced tea before tipping the tall glass back and gulping down half the glass. The refreshing liquid did little to relieve the fiery burning sensation on her cheeks. She carefully watched him pick up the sugar spoon and toss in a few dashes of sugar into his own cup. His hand searched the table for his own spoon to stir the black liquid in his cup, but he found nothing.  
  
I seem to be missing a spoon.  
  
Let me ask the waitress to bring you a new one, she offered, searching the sidewalk café for the woman.   
  
No, don't bother. He plucked the spoon from her glass and dipped it into his own cup to stir the liquid before taking another small sip in satisfaction of the mixture. I'll just use yours.  
  
What is he doing?  
  
Once again for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, she blushed. Her fingers reached up to touch her lips while her eyes remained fixated on the spoon on the table. There was just something so unsettling about his actions, but he seemed so lackadaisical about the entire thing. Her mind swirled in deep thought, trying to analyze his actions and the subtle sexual innuendo in what he had done, trying to find some relationship between the two, yet at the same time, wanting to ignore that foreboding feeling in the pit of her stomach.   
  
It was an indirect kiss.  
  
------------------------------------   
  
The incident was quickly forgotten as summer rolled along. Her mind became more focused on getting through the formalities of graduation, which went by without a hitch. It was much to her shock when she received the coveted dress she had been admiring a few weeks before. It had been found in the small pile of graduation presents in her room. Now that junior high was over and done with, there was something to look forward to, which was the prospect of spending a nice relaxing summer vacation.   
  
She smiled down at the postcard in her hands, staring at the colorful images on the glossy card. It was the latest postcard from Tama, who after her forced retirement, decided to spend some time traveling. It was only fair, considering how the woman spent all her youthful years running after other people's children in the house while their parents frolicked in better climates, away from screaming children and responsibility for their offspring. With the more than generous retirement benefits set up by Shinimori-san and her own savings, she could live out the rest of her days comfortably.   
  
I wonder what Tama will bring me back from Australia?  
  
For the first time ever, summer was a time for her to be left to her own devices. Money was even tighter than usual, with her mother's need for extravagance, but with her job at the dango shop and some help from Susumu, things were being taken care of. It didn't matter much to her mother the fact that their bank account was falling fast towards the zero mark, but with her boyfriend of a few months taking care of most of her expenses, she was more than willing to reciprocate the favor. That meant more alone time for Tsukushi in the empty apartment, and more time for her to sneak out and see her brother.   
  
  
  
She stopped in mid step, and spun around to see her brother running to catch up to her. What's up, my imouto-chan?  
  
She frowned at his formality of calling her by her title as little sister, not quite used to the foreign word out of his mouth. Nothing much, onii-chan.  
  
Okay, we should remember not to use those titles ever again. It's too weird. He slung an arm around her shoulder pushing his weight down on her. Where are you going?  
  
She shoved him aside, escaping his heavy weight and stuck out her tongue in childish fashion. The way her hair was tied up into two braided pigtails only added to the effect. I was on my way to the book store.  
  
You read way too much. You should be focusing more on getting some sunlight. It's too nice a summer to let it go to waste. How about we go to the beach soon? I've been dying to go for a while now.  
  
Sounds fun, but shouldn't you be more focused on the club? It's only been open a few months now. You should be focusing on trying to keep the place afloat.  
  
Psh. You worry too much. I am the golden god. Anything I touch turns to gold. The club is doing fine anyway.  
  
It astounds me how you can stand upright while balancing that fat head of yours, she dryly replied.   
  
Very funny. Shouldn't you be at work or something? I ran by there but that girl you work with, Yuuki, told me you left already.  
  
Oh yeah. I had to leave early since Mama insisted we go out to dinner as a family, with Renjou-san and his son again. I swear that guy creeps me out with his staring. Sometimes, I wish I could just slam his face into his plate.  
  
Ah, so I see your mother's latest conquest has proved to be fruitful. I weep for the pitiful man.  
  
I wouldn't be laughing if I were you. According to Mama, their relationship is progressing quite nicely. She says he might be the one, and something about me needing a good, male role model in life.  
  
Hey, I am a good role model.  
  
I know better than to say that in front of her.  
  
Do you really mind if she decides to get remarried?  
  
She leaned towards him, resting her head against his chest as they walked at a sluggish pace. I don't really know. I don't think she'll think about remarrying for a few more years. By that time, I'll probably be in university.  
  
They continued their pace, not even realizing that they had walked the full distance to her apartment complex. The large, looming building with the suspicious doorman shooting weird looks at Susumu watched them carefully from his workstation.   
  
Have a nice dinner. Susumu bent down and kissed his sister on the forehead. Call me when you want to come over. I wanted to get your opinion on some design ideas for the club. I already e-mailed you the layouts to your account. Call me later and tell me what you think. I'll be home all day with nothing to do since you're going out, he sighed, seemingly depressed at having nothing to do. Shizuka went off to do some kind of photo shoot with Junpei. The club is closed for some minor repairs for the next few days. What's a lonely guy to do on a Friday night?  
  
Tsukushi slapped him on the back and laughed. I'm sure you'll find something to do. Go bother Thomas or something.  
  
Thomas is not as fun as you, he whined.  
  
I'm sure he would not love to hear that.  
  
He knows no one is as fun as my baby sister. He feigned a dreamy look on his face, bordering on what people referred to as the crazed fan-girl face. Come on and ditch them tonight. We can make popcorn and watch all the chick flicks you want. Fun, fun fun!  
  
As tempting as it sounds, and as creepy as you are right now, I don't think so. I'll call you later though. We can talk some more then.  
  
  
  
Be a good boy and I'll make it up to you later. See ya, she laughed. She walked away into the building, laughing all the way.   
  
My brother really is weird.   
  
---------------------------------   
  
Are you excited about going to Eitoku this fall? Mito asked as I stared off into space at the dance floor. He fiddled with his napkin in his lap.  
  
I guess, I absently replied. School is school. It can't be much different.  
  
Conversation between Mito and Tsukushi was lacking as usual. Yet behind the facade of pleasantries, lay something much more. Most girls would have considered Renjou Mito quite handsome for his age, with the money to go with the looks. It was obvious he had acquired better elements of his gene pool, carrying the uncanny resemblance to his father. A few more years and some courage, and he could have charmed the panties off any woman or girl.   
  
However, the one girl that mattered at the moment could not care less about him. Even after the few dozen dinners they had gone through, no real connection had been established. The two had barely grazed the surface of a rapport. It didn't help his case much that he would innocently sneak brief touches under the table, too.   
  
She sighed again, poking at her plate of food. His staring was really getting on her nerves. Will you stop that? she growled under her breath. She felt a snaking hand sliding up her leg.  
  
He jumped back a bit, startled at her outburst. Stop what?  
  
Trying to look down my dress. Or would you prefer your hand to meet my fork once again? I'm really sick of your shit. Get your fucking hands off me. Now!  
  
He leaned over and whispered into her ear, The guys really are right. You're nothing, but a little bitch. I thought, with a mother who spreads her legs open for any man, you would learn something useful. Maybe if you let me continue what I was doing, I'll buy you a nice necklace like my father did your mother. She wouldn't stop screaming his name that night.  
  
She grinded her teeth, biting and feeling the fueling anger bubble within. That thin ice he had been treading on shattered, pulling her into an abyss of frigid hate. Her cool, calm demeanor fell apart as each hateful word was spit out at her. Her hand gripped the fork tightly, turning the skin white, and leaving an indentation of the metal. The shiny metal piece slammed onto the table with an unceremonious clatter. A twisted smile crossed her pink, tinted lips as her fingers grazed his thigh, moving in tortuous slow teasing trails up and down. Is this what you want? She maintained a small distance from the place where he wanted her to touch the most.  
  
Fuck, yeah, he groaned, closing his eyes. I knew you'd be just like your mother.   
  
Tsukushi leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder. His body tensed beneath her touches that seemed to move closer, yet not close enough. That's the problem with boys like you. All of you think with your dick. She lifted her fingers away and using her nails, pinched down with a vice grip on him.   
  
he squealed. His face seemed to pale at the pain coursing through his body, as her grip tightened.   
  
A few heads turned in their direction, but they ignored them upon seeing the teenage couple. Tsukushi continued to smile, nodding at them to leave the incident alone.  
  
This is the last time I'm going to tell you this. If you lay another hand on me ever again, I'll make sure that you never have feeling here again, and you should believe that as a fact. What my mother does is not my business. She's her own person just as I am. Her nails dug in harder and harder, and he gripped the sides of the chair, trying to fight the urge to scream. Have I made myself clear?  
  
he squeaked. His face turned oddly faint.   
  
She released him, and wiped her defiled hand on the table. I can't even be here, she muttered to herself. Tell them whatever, but I need to get away from you now, before I do something much worse to you. She pushed her chair back, and stood, grabbing her purse.   
  
Stomping out of the elegant restaurant, she looked back to see her mother obliviously dancing, with a blissful smile on her face. She showed pure triumph in the way her eyes sparkled under the crystal chandeliers.   
  
I'm nothing like you.   
  
-------------------------------   
  
She never made that call to Susumu that night, nor did she even bother looking at the design plans he had sent. All Tsukushi wanted to do when she returned home was crawl into a warm bath to scrub away the vile touches of Mito. What started out as a bad night had only turned worse when she realized she didn't even have enough money for a cab home. Instead of calling her brother for a ride home, which she knew he would have gladly obliged to do so, she chose not to. If he found out what the young man had proposed earlier, there would have been some bloodshed. So, she walked home, all twenty-seven blocks back home. It took her about an hour and a half in her heels, but even after all that time had lapsed, she was welcomed to an empty apartment.   
  
Quietly, the door creaked open to the darkened apartment and its deathly silence. She slipped inside and locked the door behind her, rubbing her sore feet, cursing the person, who had to be a man, who invented heels. Silence greeted her less than grand entrance.   
  
Empty.   
  
Her eyes adjusted to the dim lighting of the city lights casting into their darkened apartment, illuminating the wall in a multitude of bright hues. They seemed to dance on the white walls like a spinning kaleidoscope, never really focusing into any one coherent picture. She dragged her body towards the bathroom, and fumbled with the knobs to fill the porcelain tub. Random bath salts from the large array of jars were sprinkled into the clear pool, causing effervescent foam to form on the surface. The only sound, except for the loud rush of water spouting into the tub, was the wrinkling of her clothing being slipped down to the floor.   
  
Her mind had blanked out completely, pushing out any of her senses from the sound of the splashing water, the warm touch of it to her skin, or the sweet scent wafting in the air. For the time being, she was dead to the world. Somewhere on the ground, her purse rattled from the vibrations of her cell phone, as her voicemail box was being bombarded by more angry calls from her mother, for rudely leaving so early.   
  
His words replayed over and over again in her head until a dull throb formed in her head.   
  
Her voice echoed in the large bathroom, resounding the words repeatedly in her deathly low voice. I knew you'd be just like your mother.  
  
The steam rose in the air, hazing her vision, clouding all coherent thought along with the misty atmosphere. Everything seemed to blur all at once into a deep void of nothingness. As her head sunk lower and lower down the side of the tub, she found herself being slowly submerged. Inch by inch, she fell deeper and deeper into the depths of pure constriction and isolation. The water was only a few degrees above a respectable bathing temperature, but the liquid seemed to scald her skin in a way, peeling away all impure thoughts, all the unsettling feelings and all emotions whatsoever.   
  
I'm not her.   
  
Her cheeks swelled and deflated. Air expunged from her lips, sending small bubbles of air while at the same time emptying her lungs out. Now she lay, holding herself beneath the water, waiting and holding.   
  
Juts a little longer.   
  
Time stopped all in itself. The overwhelming power filled her, letting her take the control she so desperately needed. It was pure foolishness or that so called teenage angst that propelled her to that dark place that resides within us all. It's that place in our souls, where our deepest fears, desires, truths, and lies all lay intertwined, like some sordid affair. It was dangerous territory to tread on, for one small tip of the scale, and all could be lost to that pulling force, that tug of war, for good and evil.   
  
I won't be safe, though.  
  
Her pale fingertips scratched at the sides of the tub, and instinct took over when she flew upwards. Rivulets of water dripped from her hair and down her face as her opened mouth greedily sucked in as much precious air as possible. Her chest heaved, as dry, wracking coughs reverberated through her body.  
  
Not until she lets me go.  
  
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That night, she slept fitfully. She barely recalled having the strength to pull her limp body from the tub to her bedroom. She shivered beneath the sheets, pulling her thin robe tighter around her neck to ward off the cold chill that developed in the night.   
  
It was out of habit that she had stayed up late, waiting for the sound of keys jangling in the lock to the front door. For some odd reason, she could never allow herself to rest until her mother was safe at home. It must have been sometime around two or three in the morning when they stumbled through the front door. She remained completely still in her bed, afraid that the slightest sound from her room would draw their inebriated attention towards her. Her eyes remained screwed shut as beams of light shot through the bottom of her door from the hallway. She could hear her mother's giggles and slurred speech as she begged Renjou-san to not leave her alone for the night. From what she could gather, he had agreed and they retreated into her bedroom, where the muffled sounds of their lovemaking pulsed between the walls.   
  
Her moans, and her nonexistent silent screams made her stomach turn. For the first time in her entire life, she saw what everyone else saw. And for that very same reason, she hated herself for even letting those thoughts invade her mind. Pieces began to form in her mind, wondering if what she had believed to be right had been wrong the entire time. Perhaps, all she had ever received from Shinimori-san was just some sort of rewards for her mother's services.   
  
Everything I am, all that I know, she sold her body for.   
  
Life is just one big business transaction. You put your services out there, and you get paid in full for it.   
  
Tsukushi rolled over once again, and her heavy lidded eyes slowly opened. Through her bleariness, she could make out the faint shuffle of footsteps. With her guard slightly down, she closed her eyes once again, ignoring the sounds. She chose to bury her face deeper within her pillows to muffle out the strange creaking noises.   
  
Slowly, her door opened by the tiniest crack. All the lights in the apartment remained off, so the encroachment upon her personal space went unnoticed. His steps were catlike in stealth, making him move like the waves of water, unnoticed and unheard. The tall frame stood beside the bed, and he looked down at the young girl lying peacefully in bed. Her robe had managed to slip off her shoulder slightly, revealing a teasing amount of her flesh to his hungry eyes. A long piece of fabric fell from his fisted hand, and he stepped forward.   
  
Something pulled her out of her dream, but she didn't quite know what it was. One minute she was lost to the blissful world of sleep, and the next she could feel a painful tug of her head. Automatically her body reacted to the less than pleasant motion, and she shot up to try to push away whatever it was. The urge to scream rose in her throat, but no sound would come out. The thick taste of silk filled her mouth, and her eyes widened to find herself pinned to her own bed and her mother's lover hovering naked above her.   
  
You're awake, he whispered. A delighted smirk crossed his lips. A sort of humorous comedy glared in his eyes at their current situation.   
  
Tsukushi struggled to scream, to kick, to do anything to fight him off of her, but to no avail did anything she tried succeed. Her body violently thrashed beneath him, wriggling against his nude form. Her movements only spurred on further enjoyment from him, as his chuckle reached her ears. Her large doe eyes looked into his feral ones, trying to make some sort of reason out of it all. Once again, she madly thrashed against him, and this time she managed to push him off long enough to roll onto the ground. She scrambled onto her feet to make a run for the door, but was tackled to the soft carpet with a dull thud. She kicked, clawed, and punched at his heavy body, but felt his large hands grip her leg and pull her back toward the bed. She was picked off the ground, and thrown onto the bed in such haste that her head hit one of the ends of the bed.   
  
A warm trail of blood flowed from the side of her mouth, where her lips had bust open. She could feel the coppery crimson liquid dripping down her chin, and a slight pounding, dull ache throbbed in her head from the bump forming on her head.   
  
You never thanked me properly for the gift, he gently reprimanded her, tapping his finger on her nose in a playful manner. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I thought a good girl like you would have been taught better manners when someone gives you a gift? What would your mother think of you? Just be a good girl and do what I say. You wouldn't want anything bad to happen to your mother if you don't. She wouldn't be very happy if I left her because you refused to obey me, now, would you? I know you want to make you Mama happy.  
  
She looked at him with bewilderment clearly written all over her face.  
  
What gift?  
  
He smiled, and leaned his face downwards nipping and sucking at her skin from her jaw line to her shoulder. His knees closed, tightening the grip he had around her legs. Another scream was stifled when she felt something warm and hard brushing against her inner thigh. He took one of her hands and her robe opened, exposing her body to him and his hungry eyes. With one swift snatching movement, the tie from her robe was pulled off, and he began to wind it around one of her wrists, tightly cuffing her. The other end was pulled taut, stretching across her chest to meet her other wrist. Both hands became bound, allowing only free movement of her fingers.   
  
I see you wore the dress just for me, he breathily whispered into her neck, as he trailed long, wet kisses down her throat. You have no idea how much it turned me on to see you in it. His rough, calloused hands stroked her soft, delicate skin, sending shivers through her body. Slowly, his fingers' grip dug deeper into her skin, leaving jagged red marks on the white canvas.   
  
She whimpered like a wounded animal, and closed her eyes, forcing the tears to spill from her eyes. Tiny little muffled sounds emitted from her mouth behind the gag. All strength seemed to drain from her body at once. In a pitiful attempt to get her message out more clearly she repeated the same phrase over and over again, which came out sounding more like mournful shrieks.   
  
Please, don't do this.  
  
It'll all be over soon, and don't even think of your mother walking in on us. I've already taken care of her. After some satisfying exercise in the bed, she's a very deep sleeper, you know. His free hand played with the ends of the tie gagging her mouth. Such a pity that you have to wear this. I would have loved to hear you scream.   
  
Someone help me.  
  
His hand moved away from her breast, and moved downwards, crossing over her flat stomach and stopping near her waist. His index finger traced the contours of her pelvic bone, reaching towards a place where no one had ever touched her before. In one swift jerk, the digit inserted itself into her, and she muffled a small cry of pain. Her muscles clenched, wanting to force the foreign entity out of her body. She didn't quite know how to describe exactly what it felt like. In a way, she could only feel an uncomfortable stretching in her inner walls that bordered on tearing or a jerking sensation. She wanted to scream an earth-shattering cry when she realized he had torn right through the barrier of her proof of virginity.  
  
Make it stop.  
  
You're so tight, he moaned, closing his eyes, letting his finger caress her. Has anyone ever touched you like this before? You look like too much of a good girl to have ever let anyone touch you before. Tell me, has any man ever made you feel this way? His finger rubbed over an overly sensitive bundle of nerves, causing her to shudder. His voice became more and more demanding and fierce as he pushed another digit into her. They began to push in and out of her at a faster pace, twisting and turning, pushing and pulling. His heavy panting warmth breaths tickled her skin as he enveloped one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking on it. In a scolding tone, he asked her once more. Has anyone ever touched you like this before?!  
  
Everything inside of her wanted to do anything to make him stop. That feeling of violation and disgust overrode any of her current consciousness, as she drowned in her own fear. Slowly, she shook her head, answering his question.   
  
Why me?  
  
he groaned into the silent night air. You are too innocent for your own good, my dear. I've watched you for a long time. We all have. I've always noticed you like the others, wondering what it would feel like, to be the first to touch you, to taste you. A pretty little face and a body like yours screams to be explored. It was worth it to go through your mother to get to you. I had to endure that old bitch for so long just to get here. I did this for you. Do you know what you do to me? Do you? his hand clutched her bound hands, bringing them down to his hardened arousal, letting her tiny hands cup him. He hissed in pleasure the second her virginal hands touched him. You do this to me.  
  
It'll be over soon. Won't it?  
  
Like this, he directed her, guiding her hands to massage him in a way that seemed to bring out more heavy pants from him. He moved her hand up and down, guiding it at a pace and grip he seemed to enjoy more and more with each passing moment. Soon, his pace became faster and faster, as if building up some great crescendo of music to some vague big finish.   
  
She could feel herself slipping in and out of consciousness. The hit to her head seemed to be worsening as more time passed. The experience itself had forced her mind to retreat to another place, anywhere but there.   
  
A warm, sticky substance coated her hands as he let out what sounded like one long, painful moan, and his body convulsed into a shuddering mess beside her. His chest heaved erratically up and down. A thin coat of sweat drenched his body. He rolled over to his side, looming over her body. His eyes fell on her soiled hands, and he grinned lasciviously. We're in for a long night of fun. I'm not finished yet. I'm going to make your first time something you'll never forget. First, let's have a little more fun. Don't worry, baby. We have all night to ourselves.  
  
She lay there limply, with a glazed over look on her face, not quite hearing the words coming out of his mouth any longer. Every once in awhile, she could feel her body's reactions to his touches, but did nothing to stop him. Perhaps it was hope that he would tire soon of this game that forced her to lie there ever so still. Maybe it was the large bruise on her head that sent her mind into a spinning, spiraling haze that made her do so. Mostly, it was fear and shame of what she had let transpire thus far that kept her quiet.   
  
His tongue darted out and licked her earlobe before taking the entire thing into his mouth sucking on it. The sharp tips of his teeth gently bit down. I want to watch you.  
  
Watch what?  
  
I want to watch you touch yourself. He picked her bound hands up and moved them to the place he wanted. He pulled out one of her fingers and positioned it in between the folds of her legs. Don't be shy. Go ahead. Just do like I did before, he urged her on.   
  
Her own vomit rose up in her throat, but was painfully forced back down when her body realized the passageway of her mouth had been blocked. The tears now stung in her eyes, and she shook uncontrollably with sobs. Her fingers twitched, still covered in a thick coat of his semen and now some of the blood that had trailed down her thighs from his previous forceful entry.   
  
he hissed. It was all worth it to get to you. Your mother has been used one too many times. Nothing can compare to the younger model. She's lucky I even fucked her for so long.  
  
His hungry eyes remained on her hands, as she slowly and hesitantly worked themselves inside of her. He barely even noticed when the door to the bedroom creaked open.  
  
What the fuck is going on?! a shrill scream bellowed into the tiny room.   
  
Tsukushi immediately stopped and turned her head to look at her savior. Her face contorted into a slight smile of joy to be rescued.   
  
It's not what it looks like! Renjou-san screamed as he scrambled up from the bed, clutching the sheet around his waist.   
  
Her mother's grip tightened on the doorknob. All the color seemed to drain from her face, and she staggered forward. Her slight stumbling steps marred her normally graceful, sweeping gait. You've done it again, she spat out. Her voice slurred the words out. She stepped closer and closer revealing her darkened face and her enraged eyes. You have always taken what's mine! First, it was your father. Then it was Shinimori. Now, him too. I'm so fucking tired of having to take care of an ungrateful little bitch like you. Everything that has ever been wrong in my life has been your fault. She raised a shaky finger towards her lover who was standing shocked, by the side of the bed. You! Leave. Get out!   
  
Not wasting another second, he obediently grabbed the sheet and ran out of the room, in search of some clothes. After a few loud fumbles to the ground and the rustle of clothes, the front door slammed shut.   
  
Kana returned her gaze towards her bound daughter. She tore at the knot binding her tiny hands together, and violently yanked the gag from her mouth.   
  
Tsukushi weakly whispered, searching for some comfort.  
  
The back of kana's hand found its way to her face, knocking her over onto her side. Her body bounced up and down on the mattress from the force of the impact.  
  
Don't call me that! I hate you. Every time I see you, it disgusts me. You had to steal him, didn't you? You take all of them away. I hear what they say about you. They all mock me as if I wasn't there, whispering behind my back about how beautiful my daughter is, how innocent she is. I see the looks they give you. They used to look at me the same way.  
  
  
  
Get out of my house, she said in a low, warning tone. I want you out.  
  
Tsukushi continued to stare at her, confused by her request.   
  
You heard me! Get out! I will not have a worthless whore living under my roof! You probably thought it would be funny to seduce my boyfriend, huh?! When she saw Tsukushi making no movement to do as she was told so, she grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled her off the bed and onto the ground.   
  
She winced in pain, grabbing at the large bunch of hair her mother had tightened her grip on. Don't do this, Mama. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't do this.   
  
She repeatedly spouted out apologies, begging her mother's forgiveness, but was met only by another strong tug on her hair, dragging her across the floor and out of the apartment. When they had reached the entrance, she released her hair and shoved her out of the door. Tsukushi stumbled into the hall and fell against the wall. She watched in horror as her mother gave her one last withering, disgusted look and slammed the door on her. Quickly, she ran forward and pounded her fists against the door, not caring how loud she was or if the neighbors heard. Mama! Let me inside! Mama! Please!   
  
Later, she wouldn't remember how long she pounded, screamed, and begged outside the door. She screamed until she lost all of her voice. When the sound of one of the occupants' doors being opened down the hall was heard, panic captured her. She clutched at the collar of her thin robe, and ran barefoot towards the fire exit. She would not let anyone see her like that.   
  
Don't see me  
  
The brisk summer air hit her body at full force as she stumbled out of the back service exit of the apartment complex. She ran out into the alleyway, gasping for air, from her fast flight down the several sets of stairs. Clad in nothing but a bathrobe, she walked out into the street. As if under some type of spell, she walked. For how long, she didn't know. To where she was headed, she had no idea either. Realization of what had just occurred had yet to settle in completely, so she wandered the streets barefoot, in the middle of the night.  
  
Her tired eyes looked up at the door, and she could see the door number begin to blur. She knew her own hand was raised to press on the doorbell. It fell onto the small button and pressed hard and long. Everything around her seemed to shake and spin in a winding, twisting motion. She never even felt it when her body fell to the ground.  
  
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She woke up feeling something warm and soft beneath her.   
  
Where am I? I feel soft sheets and pillows. How did I get here?! The last thing I remember  
  
Tsukushi's body jerked up abruptly, sending the blanket wrapped around her falling to her waist. Her eyes opened wide, as she took in her surroundings, feeling confused and disoriented as to where she was.   
  
God, Tsukushi! You're awake! a voice yelled, gripping her hand.  
  
She slowly turned her head to the side to see her brother's face intently staring at her own. Her gaze turned to look down to see herself dressed in one of his oversized dress shirts. How did I get here?   
  
His eyebrows knitted, and his lips settled into a thin line. I found you lying on the ground outside my door. You scared me shitless You're lips were busted opened and bleeding. You had a nasty bump and bruises all over your face. There were scratches all over your body. Fuck, you were completely naked, except for the torn robe you had on!  
  
Her hand reached up to clutch her head, as all of his yelling was giving her a headache. How long have I been sleeping?  
  
You've been out for the last two days. I was beginning to worry that you might not wake up. Do you do you remember what happened?  
  
The uncontrollable tears that streamed down her face and the heavy convulsion for her body answered his question. Her palms cupped her face as she bent over sobbing. He made me do things  
  
Susumu quietly hushed her. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and pulled her into an embrace letting her cry into his chest.  
  
They remained like that for the rest of the day. For Tsukushi, the pain of her scars and the tears would not cease.  
  
---------------------------------------   
  
She clutched his hand like a lifeline, to make sure he stayed by her side. The key in her hand trembled violently as she moved to put it into the lock.  
  
Susumu whispered to her, kissing the top of her head. I'll be with you the entire time.  
  
For Susumu, it took a lot of self-control to bring her back to the scene of the crime. Four days since Tsukushi had woken up had passed. They were four of the most unpleasant days of his life. After a very thorough check up with a doctor friend of his, and confirming Tsukushi's semi-intact virginity and safety, he still seethed with anger. It was the little consolation that the man had never fully consummated his act. It was the unbearable suffering of knowing there was nothing he could ever do to make the pain go away for her that angered him. He could never give her back her dignity or her innocence. That man had stripped those of her. What made it even worse was Tsukushi's refusal to bring the culprit forward. He wanted to rush out and kill the bastard, but Tsukushi's constant attachment to him made that rather difficult. She refused to be left alone without him now, fearing some invisible, horrible evil lurking in the shadows.   
  
Her silence was even more deafening. After a few random, jumbled statements here and there, she confined herself to silence, refusing to speak further on the matter itself. In a way, it seemed as if she willed herself to pretend that nothing had happened at all. Denial was her method of coping.   
  
Lets go. Tsukushi weakly smiled. She pushed open the door and walked into the apartment, on seeing the warm light of the summer afternoon filter into the large living room. Hesitantly, she padded through the seemingly empty home, heading straight for her bedroom.   
  
Where do you think you are going? a voice asked from behind her.  
  
She slowly turned around to see her mother standing in the doorway, looking suspiciously from her to her brother.   
  
I'm taking Tsukushi, Susumu resolutely declared, pushing the girl behind him. He briefly turned around, and nudged Tsukushi. Go get your things. I'll be right outside waiting for you.  
  
Uh huh, she nodded. Tsukushi didn't waste another minute and hurried into her room, closing the door behind her. What she found shocked her to no end. It was like any trace of the abomination that occurred had been wiped out of existence. Her sheets and comforter had been replaced. The spot on the corner post of her bed, where she recalled her blood coating, had been wiped clean. All the items that had been knocked off her nightstand now lay neatly organized on its surface.   
  
It's as if nothing happened.   
  
She shook herself out of those thoughts and ran into her closet to pull out a bag. She wasted no time and began to empty random drawers of their contents, pulling out anything of real value to her. While she occupied herself with ransacking her room for valuables, she could hear the low murmur of calm voices outside.   
  
------------------------   
  
I have everything I need, she announced as she walked out of her room. She turned to see Susumu ever so calmly sitting on the couch across from her mother.   
  
Let me take that for you, Susumu offered, standing up right away. He tossed the oversized duffel bag over his shoulder and squeezed her arm in support. Lets go.  
  
She timidly turned to her mother for any sign of redemption on her part, but saw that she had averted her face from her, refusing to even acknowledge her departure. I'm leaving now, Mama, she weakly called out.   
  
No response came, and any lingering hope on her part for her mother to prove her wrong had died with that silence. She felt Susumu tug at her arm, and snapped out of her thoughts to follow him out the door. Her footsteps were heavy and slow, waiting for something, if anything, from the woman sitting so calmly in the living room. The final piece of her broken heart fell to the ground with a crash when she heard the sharp words directed at her as she walked out the door. They crushed any remaining ties of loyalty and childish blind love for the woman.  
  
Never show your face to me again.  
  
---------------------   
  
That was the last time Tsukushi would see her mother for a few years. The woman would disappear from her life without a trace, without even a word of where she could be found. The idea of abandonment would long lie within her forcing her to resort to that place where the scared little girl cried out for her mother, but found no comfort when no one came. It was a void that would never be filled building up on the loss she suffered.   
  
It was just added insult to the emotional scars that she would carry for the rest of her life. No longer would Tsukushi look at a man or anyone for that matter with a sense of free ease and trust. From careful observation, they would always catch that hint of distrust and fear. Even with her brother, she would guard herself hiding her innermost thoughts and emotions.   
  
Tsukushi swore to herself that no one would ever prove worthy of her full trust, The child inside of her died that night leaving a shell of a person behind. The little girl that embodied all that was good in the world would never see the world through her rose colored lenses.   
  
The last lesson her mother taught her would be the greatest one of them all.   
  
Life is a bitch.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
---------------------------   
  
**A/N**: I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this chapter. It took me way too long to do it, and I'm still slightly disturbed by it. Now I'm left wondering how to start off the next chapter of the Tsukushi arc. Bleh. For those wondering what I've been doing, I've been so diligently ignoring my school stuff during spring break while I clear out my desktop of all the unfinished fanfic chapters floating around. I'm going at a pace of about one chapter every two days.   
  
I'm very much in a bitchy mood right now. Partly because I know I'll be paying for goofing off later when I have my finance exam next week. Could be the fact that I have that damn song in my head making me think back to the mid 90's when we all thought Hanson was MTV worthy. Lastly, there is the horror of knowing that I live in a country that would allow a guy like William Hung to sell an album with his famous rendition of She Bangs for $11.99. The shame  
  
  



	4. Tsukushi: Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot.   
  
  
Tsukushi- Chapter 4  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Holy mother of god! Is that all of it? Thomas moaned in agony as the very last large box was dumped onto the soft plushy carpeting of Tsukushi's new bedroom. He swung his arms around him, stretching out his sore muscles from the long day of rearranging furniture, moving boxes, and other menial tasks Susumu had directed him to do.   
  
Stop being such a wimp, Junpei heartily laughed as he slapped the blonde-haired man on the back. A little exercise never hurt anyone. Perhaps you should look into going to the gym more often. You have been getting a little flabby in areas.  
  
His response was a right middle finger shoved in his face. Not all of us rely on our bodies to feed ourselves. I rely on natural intelligence to make my money unlike some other people.  
  
And what is that supposed to mean?  
  
he loftily answered, baiting Junpei into an impending argument.   
  
Junpei growled. One eyebrow lifted and he smirked, knowing the perfect retort. It's not like you use much intelligence. It's not very hard to teach people English considering you fucking came from the States, you gaijin.  
  
Fine, how about I walk around in my underwear for money, too?  
  
Fuck you!  
  
No thanks, I don't swing that way, but I do know a guy who would. I preferably don't like it up through the ass. However you look like someone who would like something like that. Kinky, huh?  
  
The two men were becoming more engaged by their battle of words, wandering towards crossing that thin line into bashing the other's head through a wall. A certain fire ignited in their eyes that signaled some sort of friendly bloodshed. Well, with those two anything was possible.  
  
Stop fucking around. Susumu broke in between the pair and smacked them both behind the heads. He sighed in disbelief that those two were arguing at a time like this.   
  
They clutched their heads in pain, and squinted through their half-closed eyes, rubbing the sore spots on their skulls. they both mumbled in unison.  
  
What did you do that for? Thomas whined. He folded his arms across his chest like a pouting child, ignoring the fact that in actuality he was 22.   
  
The scowl on his face only deepened. The dark rings around his eyes, the slightly unshaven face with the faint shadow of stubble, and the slight lilt in his entire demeanor was evidence of the hell Susumu was going through. He was a man apart. One side of him wanted to kill the fucking bastard that dared to defile his sweet, innocent sister. The other wanted to hurt himself for not being there to save her. The same thought plagued him endlessly during intermittent moments of his days and nights.  
  
If only. If only I didn't let her go that night. What if I had made her ditch that dinner and come home with me?   
  
It's not a good time to be fooling around, okay? His voice was clearly strained, giving way to his mixed emotions welling up inside.   
  
Junpei placed his hand on Susumu's back, trying to comfort him as best he could. We're all angry. We all love Tsukushi like she was our own little sister, but what's done is done. It wasn't your fault, man.  
  
He's right, you know that? Thomas added. We can't just walk around here like someone died. We've got to at least try to make things seem like they're back to normal.  
  
I know. I understand what you mean, but you haven't seen her at her worst. There are times when I'll find her in front of the television. I'll think to myself that she's just sitting there like she normally would, but her eyes Her eyes are just dead. It's as if she's looking right through the screen at nothing. I've caught her doing that a lot lately. Sometimes she'll just lock herself in her room for hours. I'll admit, it scares me shitless when I hear the click of that lock. He agitatedly ran his fingers through his messy hair. I've heard stories about what happens to girls like her. I've gotten so desperate, I've hidden all the knives, the scissors, and even my fucking razors! I can't even leave her alone for a minute to go take a piss cause I'm so scared I'll find her dead when I come out! His voice faded out into a muffled strangle as he turned away from his friends, letting his pride take over. As a man, emotion was for the weak.   
  
Thomas and Junpei looked at each other, trying to think of something to lighten the situation, but both couldn't bring themselves to find that something. They did the next best thing, and silently continued to work. Susumu hunched over on the couch with his face buried in his palms.  
  
------------------------   
  
Tsukushi remained huddled in a tight ball on the windowsill of the spare bedroom, blankly staring out on the cityscape. Her mind seemed to have drifted off to no exact location, meandering from one incoherent rambling to the next. She shuddered involuntarily as she listened to the raised voices outside. Although she recognized the deep masculine timbres of the voices, she couldn't fight that impending sense of insecurity within their presence.  
  
She raised her hands to cover her ears, blocking out the yelling. Her body began to tremble more violently, and her eyes closed tightly shut, fighting back the onslaught of fresh tears.   
  
Somewhere in the abyss of her melancholy, she knew what she had become was nothing short of unhealthy. Spending all her days locked up within the apartment and barely managing to get a few bites of food down to keep her up the rest of the day was taking its toll on her. She thought Susumu looked like crap when he would barge into her room every few hours to check on her progress. The shock was infinite when she saw her own reflection in the mirror. The hair brush clutched in her hand and the mirror had no chance when the two objects collided with an earth shattering crash of the glass breaking into a few million pieces.   
  
Susumu wordlessly walked in and cleaned up the mess before tucking her back into bed once again, and whispering soothing words of reassurance.   
  
She didn't want any of it. She didn't want his pity or sympathy. She wanted what was her life. She wanted the tiniest flicker of her old self back.   
  
There was only one way to do it, and that was to take the first step of normalcy.  
  
As she rose from her window seat, her legs wobbled from lack of use during the last few hours. Her head ached a bit from the sudden bodily movement, but when the slight vertigo hit her, she was a goner. She barely stumbled to the bed, and crawled under the sheets, quivering from some unknown chill in the air.   
  
Tomorrow I'll get better.   
  
I promise.  
  
--------------------------  
  
Susumu paced continuously in the living room, ignoring his distressed girlfriend sitting on the couch watching his back and forth pattern across the room.   
  
Calm down, Susumu, she gently chided. She pushed a bang behind her ear and tilted her head from left to right, trying to get the kinks out of her neck. Amidst the dim glow of the lights it was painfully obvious that her boyfriend's habits were beginning to rub off on her, too.   
  
Through the entire ordeal, Shizuka tried to be understanding to the extenuating circumstances they were all placed under. It was hard to not realize there was something going on when she showed up from a long trip after a photo shoot with Junpei and noticed that something was amiss. She was more than a little worried when he hadn't called her in the last few days like he normally would when they were apart, seeing as how he was always the doting boyfriend. What she walked into was the last thing she expected.   
  
Tsukushi had taken residence in what was one of the spare guest rooms that Thomas or Junpei would use when they needed a place to crash for the night. What was even more obvious was the fact that in the parking garage the five spots that once held Susumu's prized cars were empty. The tension was asphyxiating, and it was trying on her to attempt to maintain some good cheer in the household. However, the sunshine good mood was not meant to last with the added burden of Susumu's absence from the club, leaving her with the burden of his forgotten responsibilities. She wasn't doing much better either with the added work of rehearsals with the new band they were forming. Tsuyoshi and Kin were still trying to collaborate with Thomas to get the right sound. The club was at its peak and still rising. Without the driving force urging it forward, failure was inevitable.   
  
She looked up at him beseechingly, looking for a shred of the confident bordering on arrogant man she loved in the nervous, edgy wreck pacing recklessly through the room. We need to talk. Please?  
  
He stopped in mid-stride and spun on his heel, finally registering her existence in the room. From the way the natural glow of her skin and the intensity of life in her eyes had faded, he began to feel the residual guilt he had pushed aside for the time being. His eyes softened, and he accepted her hand that pulled him to sit beside her. Quietly, he studied her for a moment, taking in the woman he was certain he would spend the rest of his life with. He thought back to the ring shoved in the bottom of his dresser drawer waiting to be presented to her, but any thoughts of the happy impending nuptials he proposed were put aside for the harsh realities he was forced to deal with. A part of his heart crumbled, seeing her in a pair of loose fitting jeans, an old t-shirt of his, and her hair pulled back into a high ponytail. If it had been anyone else but him in the room they would have assumed she was years younger, and not a grown 21 year-old woman. There was something so seemingly innocent about her that drew him to her. He didn't need all the glitz or the glamour she exuded on stage to love her, he loved her as any man should, for everything she is.   
  
I'm sorry, he murmured. His rough larger hand cupped hers and his thumb stroked slow lazy circles on the smooth pale flesh of the back of her hand. I'm sorry for dragging you into this.  
  
Her body relaxed and leaned into his, taking in the warmth of his body against hers, melding them into one. I don't really mind. I mean, we're all struggling a bit here. We've been trying our best to keep the club going, but it's just not the same without you. Last Resort is your baby. If you're not there, it seems to die. It's already been two months. I don't know how much longer we can keep going like this. I don't even understand why you've refused to sign any of the checks to pay the bills that have been piling up. We're getting a few second notices on bounced checks and insufficient funds.  
  
"I know, he repeated over and over again, letting the words roll off his tongue. It's just It's just I hate this! I hate feeling this way, like no matter what I do nothing will help.  
  
It's not your job to save everyone.  
  
A sore spot was hit with her statement, and she could feel his body visibly stiffen.   
  
She's my fucking sister. I'm her brother. I was supposed to protect her, and I didn't. I let that bastard touch her and what could I do. I can't even call the fucking cops on the guy to put his ass in jail.  
  
Shizuka could feel her own temper beginning to boil. She released his hand and shoved it away from herself, tossing it back to him. I'm tired of this! This whole self-pity thing isn't going to work! It's not helping you. It's not helping Tsukushi. It's not helping any of us.  
  
His eyes narrowed into two small slits. What do you want me to do?! Tell me what the fuck I can do to make things better! Cause I sure as hell don't know what I can do.  
  
Tell me what happened. All you filled me in with was a few specific details. I've tried to ask you before, but you've always brushed me aside. You don't keep secrets from people you love.  
  
Fine. Do you want to know? he bit out. I'll tell you what happened. I saw that bitch the day I took Tsukushi to get her things. I thought she was heartless, but fuck I never thought she would do something like that. Everything was a damn set up!  
  
she gasped.   
  
Kana knew all along what a pervert that guy was. She went out looking for him, knowing he had taken interest in Tsukushi a long time ago. She knew his son was in her class, and she saw the way he would look at her when he dropped his son off to school. She said, You can tell certain things about men and the type of women they keep. You can see it in their eyes, that hunger.' Renjou was watching Tsukushi since she began junior high school. She set it up from the start, from getting him to date her to making sure he caught a taste of being close to Tsukushi. That night it happened She knew he would wander into her room. She was waiting for the right time when he would go from her bed to her daughter's. Every time she brought him home at night she waited, waited for him to slip out and try to fuck her.  
  
Oh my god. Who would do such a thing to their own child?  
  
She would, and she did, he bitterly spat out. His anger was fueled by now and the words would not stop until he was finished. She waited for him to slip into her room, listening from outside the door for the right moment to burst in as the horrified mother catching her lover seducing her daughter. And when she finally caught him with his pants down, literally, she didn't need Tsukushi so much anymore. She got Renjou to pay her off for her silence. It was the easiest three million she ever made, or rather it was the only money she ever earned on her own at her daughter's expense.  
  
Shizuka felt violently ill at the thought. The idea was ludicrous and beyond cruel. The idea of a woman using her own child's body for monetary means was along the lines of prostituting her. Does Tsukushi know?  
  
His expression became grave, and he shook his head. No. She'll never know. You're the only one who knows this. If she ever found out I don't. I don't know what she might do.  
  
She can never go back.  
  
I've made sure of that. Something else happened during that brief chat I had with Kana. I told her Tsukushi would never go back to her, and she would stay with me seeing as how unfit a mother she was. That woman had the nerve to laugh. She had that part planned out as well. You know that biologically Tsukushi is not my sister by blood. I have no legal claim on her whatsoever, if I were to ever try to press charges. It would be a fucked up mess if we got the cops involved. Also, I know if Tsukushi found out I turned her mother in to the cops she would find out the truth of the matter. It would devastate her.  
  
So, what did you do?  
  
Money can buy you anything these days, he laughed in disdain. She wanted a matching three million to buy her custody. Can you imagine putting a price on your own flesh and blood? I knew I didn't have the money on hand to pay her right away, but I agreed to do it. She said three. I paid her five. An extra two mil as insurance she'd never lay a claim to Tsukushi ever again. I had my lawyer draw up the documents, and we signed them yesterday. I'm her legal guardian now. Kana can't lay another one of her dirty fingers on her. That's why I don't have the capital to pay for the club's debts right now. I've already wired all of the money to her accounts. I sold all the cars and a large portion of my stock portfolio my mother set up with my trust fund. All I have left now are my savings, a life insurance policy, and a few remaining stocks that weren't worth it to sell.  
  
While she was proud of his deeds, Shizuka couldn't help but be shocked at the lengths he went through to buy his sister. The club was his life.   
  
I have nothing except for a club that is going down the drain, but I don't regret what I've done. I would sell my soul for her.  
  
All of the fight seemed to dissipate out of her as she watched him staring right through her with a certain lost expression on his face. It shocked her more that what he said was the honest to god truth. For once, he didn't have an answer to fix things. She finally understood the reason for his erratic moods and tantrums.  
  
He doesn't know how to fix things.   
  
Why don't I make this easier on the both of us? he lamely offered. You should leave me. You don't need a guy with all this baggage. I've got too many things on my plate right now. He stood up, a defeated man, and purposely walked to the door opening it. Go. This is your chance to leave.  
  
Her eyes moved from him to the opened door in shock and utter confusion. Her lips settled into a grim line, and she clenched her hands at her sides before starting a slow pace towards the door. His heart fell down when he heard her footsteps approaching him. A part of him wished that it wouldn't come to this, but it was too late to take the offer off the table. Shizuka was too young to be pulled down by a man with too many responsibilities.  
  
A pair of arms wrapped around him, surprising him. They only squeezed tighter when he felt the distinct wetness of hot tears soaking through his shirt as she cried into his chest.   
  
I won't let you do this. We agreed from the beginning that your life is my life. We're in this together no matter what, she whispered in between broken sobs. I love you too much to let you fall apart.  
  
He stood there rigid, trying to figure out why she had decided to stay, but his body screamed at him to forget rational thought. His body reacted by wrapping his own arms around her tiny frame. I love you, too, he muffled into her hair.   
  
For how long they stayed in that intimate embrace was left unknown. She held him for as long as he needed as he cried the tears of a boy that became a man all too fast for his own good.   
  
It was the brutal truth of it all. In their lives they had all had to grow up a little sooner than expected whether they wanted to or not. It was up to them whether or not they would fight for life or allow themselves to drown.  
  
Susumu would fight for his sister's life.  
  
Shizuka would follow him into the fiery depths of hell if she had to.   
  
For love knows no bounds.  
  
--------------------------------   
  
Nothing seemed to work as the weeks dragged on and Tsukushi sunk deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit of depression. It was as if all the spirit she had in her had been ripped out of her. All that was left was the shell of the person she used to be. Although she knew she was being a burden to her brother, she tried to act a little bit normal if any.   
  
Susumu and Shizuka both suggested she see a therapist about her problems.  
  
She politely declined. The thought of having to rehash what had passed was too much to handle in itself. Just the thought of his hands on her, in her, touching her all over, made her vomit her entire stomach into the toilet sometimes at random times of the day. All the beauty that everyone had admired so much was beginning to fade along with her, as her body began to waste away. Her clothes now hung loosely over her body, and her face was hollow.  
  
Susumu still proclaimed her as beautiful, even though he found himself unable to look her in the eyes and say it.   
  
She knew he was lying for her benefit. She agreed with him that she was repulsive.   
  
As she got sicklier and sicklier, Susumu's patience waned more and more.   
  
Come out with us, Tsukushi! Susumu playfully scolded, folding his arms across his chest. He stood in front of her as she lay in bed with a book propped up on her lap in front of her face. It'll be fun. You should come out. It's been ages since you've seen the light of day.  
  
That's not true, she replied, barely sparing him a glance over her thick book. I went out the other day to run out and buy some milk.  
  
Going across the street to the convenience store downstairs doesn't count. You just made a mad dash in and out. Just come out with Shizuka and me. We're going to go do some set-ups for the club tomorrow night. Thomas and Junpei will be there. You haven't seen them in a while. They've been wanting to see you. Plus, you can see my pride and joy, Last Resort. I recall you begging me some time ago about getting into a real night club.  
  
I don't think so, she blandly replied in her monotone voice.  
  
He sat down on the side of the bed and pushed the book down to look into her face. Please? Just for tonight. We'll come home right afterwards, too.  
  
She hesitated with her response, feeling torn between her own fears of the outside world and the guilt of denying her brother.  
  
All it takes is that one step, Tsukushi.  
  
I can't.  
  
Why not?  
  
I'm scared. Out there, they can see me. How do I know people like him won't be out there watching me?  
  
There was a time when you didn't think everyone was bad.  
  
That was before I saw how horrible the world really was.  
  
I don't believe you. You don't believe that.   
  
Yes I do. If I go, I'll be hurt.  
  
She felt a warm hand over her own rouse her from her inner dialogue. Susumu kissed her on the head, and pulled her into his chest. I'll be with you the entire time. I won't let anyone ever hurt you. You don't have to be scared. So please come with me?  
  
Tsukushi dumbly nodded her head, and pushed her book aside.   
  
----------------------------   
  
It's okay, Susumu whispered as he nudged Tsukushi through the darkened hallway into the club.   
  
Her body trembled at the uncertainty that lay in front of her. Her hand gripped a little bit tighter onto her brother's arm as they walked down the long narrow passage.  
  
Close your eyes.  
  
She did as he commanded, and felt his hands cover her eyes just in case she tried to peek. What are you doing, Susumu?  
  
You'll see, he whispered back. There's nothing like the first time you see this place. Open them now.  
  
she gasped as she opened her eyes, letting herself drown in the sights and colors. It's incredible!   
  
I know, he grinned in pride. His chest puffed up a bit along with his ego. I thought the same thing the first time I walked into this place.   
  
She stood rooted to her spot, turning around in a slow circle to drink it all in. The high ceiling of the warehouse type building allowed a few hundred lights to be hung down in metal wires, allowing a starry blur of light to flood down on her. From the sides of the walls there were a few stairs that led up to a second floor where tables had been set up along the metal guard rails so that customers could enjoy their drinks while overlooking the stage and the dance floor. It was a balcony in itself that probably had the best view of the entire place, and also led you to a few private rooms in the back. A few tables were on the main floor to the side, but mainly the center had been cleared, revealing the pure black floor. The color scheme of the entire place was an elegant black and white, hinting at the subtle innuendo of the establishment's name. Last Resort was truly a place where good and evil seemed to mix into one. The bar was to the center back where she noticed a few guys stocking up on the wide array of bottles against the mirrored wall. Thomas was busy onstage fiddling with the musical equipment, tuning his guitar while a man she assumed to be their new band member, Kin, was banging away on his drums with a headset covering his ears, shielding him from any outside interference to his drumming. Another man stopped and waved, pausing in the middle of tuning his bass guitar.   
  
Hey, Susumu's here! he yelled.   
  
a chorus of voices shouted in unison.   
  
Hey guys! Susumu cheerily yelled back.  
  
He nudged Tsukushi towards the bar, and pushed her into one of the barstools.   
  
Shizuka placed her hands on Tsukushi's shoulders, giving her tense muscles a gentle squeeze. Relax. Enjoy yourself tonight. It's just us here tonight. We're not open for customers. I'll see you in a few. I need to go warm up for rehearsals.  
  
she asked.  
  
Susumu grabbed a clean glass from under the counter, and filled it to the brim with soda, adding an extra maraschino cherry with a red straw to it. With great ease and practiced skill, he sent the glass sliding down the counter towards her. Catch."  
  
Somewhat startled, she accepted the drink, and took a long sip from it. It's good.  
  
  
  
Hey, look who's here! Thomas yelled, running towards Tsukushi and picking her up from the chair, dragging her into a bone-crushing bear hug. Haven't seen you in a while, stranger. Care to have a twirl on the dance floor with me later? The floor was just waxed today, so it's got the best traction for some dancing.  
  
You better not slip and fall on your ass again, Susumu warned. I don't want you coming to me moaning about some worker's comp shit cause you decided to pull a Risky Business and slide across the floor.  
  
He waved off the warning, already hearing the music of Old Time Rock and Roll call to him. He winked at Tsukushi before whispering, You and me, later.  
  
I heard that!  
  
What?! I didn't say anything.  
  
Get back on stage. Shizuka is waiting for you.  
  
he waved as he skipped across the room and hopped onto the stage with a certain flair that was all his own.  
  
You stay away from him, Susumu warned in an overly fatherly voice. He picked up a few bottles and began twirling them in the air, handling them with an elegant ease. A chubby irridescent blue filled bottle was dipped into the shaker as the final ingredient.   
  
What's that?' Tsukushi asked in awe as she watched him pour the liquid into a glass.   
  
Oh, it's a Hypnotiq Cosmopolitan. I'm just trying out a few new drinks. This new cognac is the new rage nowadays. It's hard keeping up with the customers' preferences.   
  
Where did you learn to mix drinks like that?  
  
He suddenly developed a certain shyness about himself. Well, remember how outou-san cut me off for awhile while I was in the States? I started to take a few jobs tending bar at the clubs where Thomas deejayed. I got pretty good at it, and it made some good money. Plus, the ladies think I have a hot ass, so the tips were more than adequate. I can teach you some stuff, if you want?  
  
A small smile touched her lips. I would like that.  
  
A small glimmer of hope lit within him when he saw her smile. Perhaps it was a better idea than he anticipated to drag her out to the club.   
  
Look, Shizuka is about to start her practice.  
  
Tsukushi spun around in her chair, nursing her drink while watching the beautiful woman on stage saunter out. Slowly, she closed her eyes, letting the notes sink into her and blend in with the smooth soft timbre of Shizuka's voice. A slow sultry, jazz rhythm pulsed through the building, drawing them into its enticing song.   
  
--------------------------   
  
That was good, guys, Shizuka applauded, dropping the mic onto the ground.   
  
Kin and Tsuyoshi nodded their heads in agreement and got up, walking over to the bar to get something to drink after the long practice.   
  
Tsukushi shyly waved.   
  
  
  
Is this your sister, Susumu?  
  
Yeah, and you better stay away from her, Kin. She's innocent, so don't touch her, he playfully warned.   
  
In return, he stuck out his tongue. Geez, I don't rob the cradle, man. It's nice to meet you.  
  
Tsukushi. You're Kin, right? She visibly cringed when the man stepped forward to shake her hand, but felt a bit more at ease when she saw the friendly smile on his face.   
  
Uh huh. Nice to meet you.  
  
So, what do you think, Tsukushi?' Shizuka asked, coming up from behind.   
  
It was really good. You were great out there, she voiced aloud. I like the jazz theme you have going on.  
  
she replied, slowly nodding her head. But something still seems a bit off.  
  
I agree, Thomas interjected. I mean we have most of the elements, but there just seems to be something we're missing.  
  
I think that would be your horrible piano playing, Junpei laughed, popping up in front of the group. You're a little off the beat, dude.  
  
Hey, I never said I was a piano prodigy. Give me a guitar and I'll make that baby sing, but me and the piano don't mix. Susumu is the piano man.  
  
Susumu shook his head in disagreement. I haven't touched a piano in years. I took it for about nine years, but I was never that good. I can barely sight read.  
  
I know. I've seen you play, Tsukushi giggled. I still remember that time we went to watch you perform in that school recital and you tried to pass yourself off as an expert by using that book, Faking the Piano. I don't think I've ever seen otou-san more horrified in his life, but he still stood up and clapped in the end screaming, in the middle of a dead crowd.   
  
I almost forgot about that. He scratched his chin thoughtfully with a distant reminiscent look on his face. He would always do stuff like that, sticking up for me no matter what, you know. I guess, we should start looking for a piano player then.  
  
Actually I do have someone in mind. Thomas clapped his hands together with a gleam in his eyes like a kid on Christmas. I scouted him a few weeks ago playing in some piano bar. The guy's amazing. His excitement dwindled to a simmer when he recounted his encounter with said pianist. He wasn't exactly the most friendly guy, but he's the best I've heard. With him alone on the piano, he draws a pretty big crowd. If people find out he's working here I guarantee his customers will follow. The only weird thing is that he's just a kid. I think he can't be more than a year or two older than Tsukushi.  
  
That might be a problem. I don't like the idea of underage kids working for me.  
  
Trust me. Check him out and you'll be amazed at this kid's talent. He plays there almost every night at the Blue Note. Come on, Shizuka. You were just saying yesterday how much you wished we had a piano player.  
  
Well, he is right  
  
Fine. We'll check him out on a free night.  
  
Yes! You won't regret it. This kid is pure genius.  
  
I guess. He grudgingly agreed to meet this so-called genius, but showed an utter lack of enthusiasm at the idea of trying to coax some pubescent teen to work for him. I was thinking of using the extra money we have to pay for another singer. Maybe we should get more variety in here. Shizuka can't carry us forever. I've always wanted to do a sort of variety type club where each night it's a different act for a different group. We need something that brings in the younger crowds other than the deejay music.  
  
We're doing fine as it is right now with our higher clientele carrying us. Those free music nights and raves just sorta push us over the top. For now, I think we're fine. We should wait a bit more to see how things go.  
  
I guess.  
  
Or better yet we can have you sing, Thomas joking laughed. You do have that heartthrob look that those teeny boppers love. You can just get up there with your guitar, smooth voice, and suave looks to get you through the night.   
  
Shut up.  
  
Fine, fine, fine.  
  
Kin and Tsuyoshi packed up their stuff, and started for the exit. Just fill us in when you figure things out. We've got another gig to play tonight.  
  
See ya.  
  
Shizuka crawled under the counter and popped up on the other side, pouring herself a glass of water. She sighed deeply and leaned against the counter. It would be great to have another singer. Then maybe I could get more free time to go to auditions.  
  
Darling, if I could pull one out of my ass I would, but I can't. Susumu draped an arm around her shoulders. We could just cut back a few of your shows.  
  
You know we can't do that. People come here expecting live music.  
  
He rested his chin on top of her head, and followed in her content sigh. We'll think of something.  
  
Tsukushi watched the happy couple enjoy a few minutes of silence, and decided to follow Thomas towards the stage. It had been awhile since she had been around actual music equipment. She brushed her fingertips across the smooth ivory keys, remembering bits and pieces of songs she had been trained to memorize during her lessons. Almost a year without practice had made her completely rusty. She flexed her fingers, trying to remember something of the complicated genre, but nothing came to mind. So, she randomly played a simple melody she recalled playing over and over again when warming up.   
  
Thomas looked up from behind one of the amps, and smiled. I almost forgot that you played the piano, too.  
  
I barely remember much. I guess it might be a family thing or something, considering I was never that good with the piano.  
  
You learn anything else?  
  
She tapped her finger against her lip in thought. I took a few lessons in violin, but then I switched over to the piano. I think the only musical training I've had and stuck with was voice lessons.  
  
A light bulb went on in the blonde's head. Really? Do you mind singing a bit for me?  
  
I don't think so, she hurriedly answered. She turned her head downwards, focusing on the piano keys and the positioning of her fingers. I'm not really that good. I don't like singing in front of people much.  
  
Aw c'mon. It's just us here. He waved Susumu to come over. Hey, Susumu. Can you come over here and get Tsukushi to sing for me?!  
  
Susumu saw the horrified look on his sister's face, and couldn't resist the urge to embarrass her. Although he knew beforehand that her singing was never anything to be embarrassed about. There was one thing that he knew Tsukushi loved as much as her books and that was singing. He wondered to himself if perhaps it was a good idea to get her singing again since it was always a hobby that brought much joy to her. There was also that added incentive of giving her an outlet to release all that pent up emotion within her. There was one fact about her that he could exploit so easily. Tsukushi could hide herself from the world as long as she wanted, but the moment a song came out of her lips, there was no holding back her true self. When she sang, her shining moment came out.   
  
Why won't you sing, Tsukushi?  
  
I don't want to. Don't make me do it.  
  
Please! Consider it a birthday present to me, Thomas whined.   
  
You're birthday passed already.  
  
And you never got me anything.  
  
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I thought I knew you better. You of all people would deny poor Thomas here of a birthday song, Susumu sighed. Look at him! He's devastated. He picked up Thomas' downcast face to reveal the pathetic countenance of a beaten man.   
  
Fine! I'll do it! Tsukushi huffed. She crossed her arms over her chest and sulked, muttering over and over again about guilt trips. I don't know any songs off the top of my head.  
  
I can help you with that. Susumu picked up the mic and handed it over to Tsukushi, who grudgingly took the object.   
  
She clutched it close to her chest, not used to holding it in her hand since she normally sang in small rooms with good acoustics allowing her voice to carry. She watched in interest as Susumu picked up Thomas' acoustic guitar lying on the ground, and he seated himself on a stool. His fingers strummed a few chords, getting the feel for the instrument before a soft soothing melody poured out from it.   
  
_See the pyramids along the Nile  
Watch the sun rise  
From the Tropic isle  
Just remember darling   
All the while  
You belong to me  
  
_Tsukushi became mesmerized by the music pouring out from his guitar and Susumu's slightly altered, scratchy baritone voice. She knew the words right away even though the song was not in her native tongue. It surprised her greatly that he would choose this song to play at the moment. It was a song sung by some American musician whose name she couldn't quite recall right now. None of that really mattered anyway. The song was Susumu's song.   
  
The words, mixed with the beautiful melody, always stirred warm feelings of home and belonging in her. It brought out memories of better times and those not so good, but most of all it reminded her of the relationship between her and her brother.   
  
I remember this song. It was the one he said his mother used to play for him all the time when he was a child. I remember when he first played it for me all those years ago. He had just come home from America.  
  
She heard him finish up his verse and saw him look expectantly towards her with a soft smile gracing his lips. Her mouth opened and the words slipped out with ease.  
  
_See the market place  
In old Algiers  
Send me photographs  
And Souvenirs  
Just remember   
Til your dream appears  
You belong to me  
  
_It's his song, Susumu's song. I found him sitting in his room strumming his guitar, playing the same old song over and over again. I didn't even understand why he seemed so lost playing the tune endlessly in a loop, repeating the same words over and over again in a language I barely understood.   
  
_I'll be so alone  
Without you  
Maybe  
You'll be lonesome, too.  
Maybe   
You'll be lonesome, too  
And blue.  
  
_When I walked up to him tentatively putting my hand on his shoulder, he paused for a moment, offering me a weak smile before continuing with the song. And I asked him why he played the song so much. He smiled a secretive smile again, and continued to play on.  
  
_Fly the ocean   
In a silver plane  
See the jungle   
When its wet with rains  
Just remember   
Til you're home again  
  
_I was practicing getting this right for so long. It was supposed to be a lullaby for the baby.  
  
I was shocked when I grasped the truth in his words. I never knew if the talk going around was true surrounding my brother's return, but he had confirmed what I knew all along. There really was a girl and a baby.   
  
What happened to the baby?  
  
His smiled waned, but he continued to play. It was out of our hands. She left me and, and they forced her to get rid of our baby.  
  
Who was she?  
  
The only woman I'll ever love. His eyes raised to gaze into mine with a hidden pain and sorrow that I had never ever seen in my brother, not even when he thought about his deceased mother. I won't need this song anymore. It's yours now. Maybe one day I'll sing it for your children.  
  
What about your own?  
  
I don't think I could imagine anyone else having my baby than her.   
  
_Or until I come home to you  
You belong to me  
  
_A single tear fell down her cheek as the final words drifted off into the still air. The memory had managed to catch up with her in its own bittersweet way. She felt a finger catch the fallen tear, and wipe it away from her cheek.   
  
Don't cry, Susumu whispered.   
  
Shizuka, Thomas, and the rest of the stragglers in the club had all stopped whatever it was they were doing, becoming awestruck by the voice that captivated their attention. When the final chord was played and the last word drowned into oblivion, their collective breaths finally released.   
  
Thomas breathed.   
  
A tint of pink crossed Tsukushi's cheeks as a fresh onslaught of tears fell down her face. It was odd really that they would not stop. She absently wiped them away with the sleeve of her shirt, but they kept coming in a flood. They were not tears meant for anything specifically, but more of a release of everything she had been holding back so long. When they finally subsided, her heart felt more full, and for once she didn't feel so empty anymore. She weakly smiled towards her brother.  
  
I'm not the only one who's been hurt in life. Susumu lost everything, his parents, his love, and his child. And through it all, he still manages to keep living and loving.   
  
I want to be strong.  
  
For him.  
  
I want to be whole again.   
  
For me.  
  
I don't want this feeling to go away.   
  
I want to always feel like this.   
  
Loved.   
  
Safe.  
  
As long as I have him, I have all that I'll need.  
  
So, for him I'll live.  
  
Oh my god, Shizuka barely whispered, trying to contain the shock in her. I never knew you could sing like that, Tsukushi. You've been holding out on us.  
  
I think we've found her. Thomas declared with conviction.  
  
Susumu asked, losing the train of thought that both Thomas and Shizuka seemed to be on.   
  
Our new singer.  
  
No way! he bellowed. She's not singing.  
  
She's perfect. She can try it out to see how it feels. Let's just have a test run one night and see how the audience reacts. What do you think, Tsukushi?'  
  
There is no way in hell I'm letting her sing in the club. You don't have to do anything he says, he pleaded to his sister, silently wishing that Thomas wouldn't sway her.   
  
Shizuka grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to the side as Thomas sidled up to Tsukushi, throwing out ideas for songs she could sing. Maybe you should reconsider it.  
  
You can't be serious.  
  
Did you see what I saw? For the first time in weeks, I saw a shred of the old Tsukushi. It was like that fog was lifted from her. She comes alive when she sings.  
  
I know what you mean. I'm not blind to how she was up there, but it's a whole different story when there are a few hundred people watching you. Do you remember how hard it was to get her to even go out with us tonight? She can barely stand being in a crowded street.   
  
You don't understand what it feels like to be up there. Shizuka patted him on the arm. A hopeful look passed through her. It's a feeling like no other. It's a high you can't come down from. When you're up there it feels like you're all alone lost in the song. No one else matters but you and the music. Everything else just drifts away. You're free. It will be good for her.  
  
I don't know. I'm not so sure about this.  
  
Let her choose to do this or not.  
  
He was interrupted in mid thought when a tug was felt on his arm. He turned to see Tsukushi smiling up at him with a mirth that he had long forgotten she possessed.   
  
I want to do it.  
  
----------------------------   
  
And that was how Tsukushi got better. There is no exact formula for healing. Some people push all their dark thoughts away into a secret place where they never have to find them again. Others confront their fears and stand up to them with a newfound bravery. Then there are others like Tsukushi, who just dealt with them, one step at a time. They find that outlet to their hearts, and let it all out.   
  
She did get better with the singing she did, practicing for her supposed debut. There's a theory that says life is all about projects. Without a project or some type of activity, people cannot live or function properly. Tsukushi found hers in singing.   
  
The changes weren't instant. She still held some reserved feelings towards strangers, but she was able to walk outside during the day without fear of someone attacking her, feeding off her worst fears. The road to healing was there, but it would be a slow and long journey.   
  
Is this the place? Tsukushi asked, stepping into the small dingy nightclub.   
  
The scent of cigarettes wafted in the air, causing her nose to twitch in distaste for the smell. Small tables that couldn't have seated more than four were strategically placed in the cramped establishment. Susumu and Shizuka followed closely behind her as they meandered through the crowd for a table.   
  
It was amazing the crowd the pianist could gather into the place, considering the closed quarters, but there was good reason for it. The moment Tsukushi stepped inside she could hear the faint patter of the keys being touched in just the right way, sending waves of notes in her direction constructed in such a way that made her heart flutter with some indescribable feeling. The way he was able to arrange the notes felt like hands grabbing her from behind and holding her within their grasp in a warm envelope of mixed emotions. She could tell right away why he was good.   
  
He played from his heart.   
  
When they seated themselves at a table, they were only able to catch a brief glimpse of the genius.   
  
He's the one, Susumu confirmed, closing his eyes and concentrating on the music.   
  
We've got to get him, Shizuka concurred.   
  
Tsukushi tried to lift her body up a bit higher on tiptoes to catch a small glimpse of the boy at the piano, but the audience refused to budge while he played, obstructing her view. It was only when a brief intermission was announced did the sea of admirers part, and she saw him for the first time.  
  
It intrigued her to no ends to see the boy who could play the piano in such a way to take control of her body and senses. He captured her from the start with his somber melancholy jazz tunes. He connected with her like no other, expressing all the pain and sorrow that resided in her as leftovers of the ordeal. She could feel the same feelings in him, and it made her feel a bit better.   
  
There's someone who understands.   
  
And when she saw him for the first time, her breath caught in her throat. The world stopped moving all around her as she watched him turn to look in her direction. His deep chocolate eyes met hers, and that was it. For the first time, she felt the stirring of something growing inside of her.  
  
The direction of his steps switched and he seemed to be walking right towards her. He carried a dignified air of indifference about him that made him all the more desirable and intriguing. Right away she could tell he was an enigmatic figure, one she wanted to know. Her heart fluttered in her chest, but was left unnoticed as she ignored the strange new sensation in her body, not quite understanding what it all meant. It wasn't love she felt. No it was something much more, deeper in the sense he was just like her.  
  
They were one and the same. She knew from the moment she walked into the club.   
  
Hey, he's coming this way, Susumu pointed out, getting up from his seat.   
  
They all stood at once as the young man approached their table. A small, almost unrecognizable smile touched his lips. He looked right at their table and stopped.   
  
A loud clatter of glass hitting the ground roused Tsukushi from her daze. She looked across from her to see the martini glass in Shizuka's hand shatter on the ground in a million pieces. Susumu was frowning at the odd reaction of his girlfriend due to the boy. Tsukushi could feel her heart fall into the pit of her stomach at the realization he was staring at Shizuka the entire time.   
  
Shizuka stepped forward, and without any words spoken between the two she wrapped her arms around his neck. He followed in turn by burying his face into her shoulder, fully taking the embrace for all its worth. The two melded together as if they were made for each other, perfectly fitting with the other.   
  
She could hear the faint whisper of a word escape from Shizuka's lips.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
------------------------   
  
A/N: There you have it, it's Rui! Now that the ball is rolling we'll be seeing some more familiar faces.  
  
Now here come s my digression from HYD. I'm working on my first Inuyasha fic, and I'm looking for a guinea pig to read the chaps I'm coming up with. They're being betaed by the wonderful cuppajava, but we both lack knowledge of IY stuff. I've only seen the anime up to about episode 50, I think. This fic won't be posted for a long time, probably some time after I finish Return to Me and Secrets, but here's a chance at a sneak peek. So, what I need is someone well versed in IY preferably able to bring me up to speed on the whole Bankotsu, Jakotsu, whatever, all those -otsu brothers. And who the hell is Nobunaga? Yeah, I'm lost there. I might not incorporate them into the story at all, but I need some feedback from an IY fan to tell me how it's going. For all I know, it's a load of crap.   
  
On another note (yes i have a lot of side notes), is anyone reading Secrets anymore? Have I scared you all away with my freaky plot? I was a bit surprised at the lack of reviews and suddenly people are giving me the Huh? WTF is she doing?. Hmm..perhaps the whole psychological thriller isn't very popular here. Plus I've been politely warned a few times about the graphic nature, but I trust that no one will report me. I'm a little arrogant to see how far I can go before someone reports me, thereby freezing my account, and leading me to have to stop posting. Oh to be exiled from my account for some lemony content.....   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Rui: Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Standard poorness here.

Rui- Chapter 5

In all of my life, there has been only one thing in this world I wanted, one girl, and one woman. It's foolish to believe in a childish love, letting it transcend into a matured obsession, an undying devotion that can only be called for what it is, true love. To understand my story, you have to see it from the beginning to end.

It all starts with one person who steps into your life, rendering everything you thought to be true worth nothing.

She was that person.

She turned nothing into something.

And for that, I would love her all my life.

---------------------------

Hanazawa Rui was born into a well-adjusted life of any middle class suburban family. He had everything that was requisite for normalcy. He should have been quite normal and well rounded, but life had other ideas in mind for the boy. It was to everyone else's annoyance that he refused to accept that.

Living in the peaceful comfort a few miles out of the large, bustling city where no one feared for their safety night or day, it was an idyllic life, where parents could raise their child free from the fear of the corruption of the wild city. Children played freely, liberating their youthful exuberance in the activities of the park a few blocks away. Mothers had their book clubs, afternoon tea brunches, and the hierarchal government of the PTA to devote their lives to for the sake of the children. Fathers left early at seven in the morning to catch the nearby train taking them into the city where their five by five cubicles awaited them to spend the next eight hours of their lives, before getting back on that train to a place where their happy family eagerly awaited them. It was the life dreams were made of, suburban nirvana rivaling that of the vivid descriptions of Stepford.

However, there is always that possibility of one man's heaven being another man's hell.

In a little white house with the large black gates, a little boy sat by his window, with his chin propped up on his knees which were pulled up against his body, blankly staring outside at the dead street in front of him. He should have been outdoors playing with the other children his age or at least spending his time with them doing something or another. However, for every perfect community, there is the black sheep.

It was a known fact in the neighborhood that Hanazawa Rui was a lost cause. He refused to be another lemming falling into line, as dictated by their small sub culture. Anti-social, indifferent, and sullenly silent at all times were the most common terms used to describe him. The attempts to get him to come out of his shell became less and less over the years when people realized that the quiet loner was alone because he wanted to be, by choice. In the beginning, his mother was able to force him to humor her for a few hours, sending him to requisite play dates with other neighboring children, but those usually ended in disaster with him holing himself in the solitary corner of the room, playing by himself after refusing numerous calls to play. Some gave up, and others shunned his abnormal behavior. It didn't matter much to him, though. He was his own person.

"Rui!" a slightly muffled feminine voice called out from outside his door.

He remained steadfast in his position not bothering to get up. "Come in."

The door slowly creaked open, and the small patter of footsteps approaching him gave away exactly who the person entering his fortress of solitude was. She planted herself beside him with her back facing the closed window. They sat there for a few moments, enjoying the still silence, not bothering to fill it or taint it with useless conversation.

The resemblance between the two was striking. Most said it was such a waste for a son born from such good genes to be wasted with the sour disposition he showed. Then again, most people did not know to look further behind the facades of beauty, grace, and learned manners to see the truth behind it all. Like his mother, Hanazawa Rumiko, Rui had developed that silent peace about him that could only be construed as an extreme case of shyness or a superiority complex.

"Why do you choose to stay inside on such a nice day, my Rui?" She playfully laced her fingers through his soft tendrils of hair, which seemed a bit shaggy. The idea of taking him to see the barber in the coming days came to mind, but she knew he would protest it. He always did enjoy the sloppy look. "All you do is lock yourself inside and hide away from the world. How about we go out, just the two of us?"

"I'm fine here. You go without me," he weakly smiled. He saw the look of hurt and rejection displayed across her delicate features. Inside, he felt like a bastard for hurting his mother's feelings; but he could not deny that isolating loneliness that filled his heart. Even she wasn't enough to fill that void.

"I was afraid this was going to happen one day. My Rui is growing up into a true teenager with mood swings, embarrassed to be seen with his mother, and general angst ridden tendencies. You're too good for me now." She patted him on the leg and stood up to peer over his shoulder to see exactly what it was that he seemed so fixated upon.

The object, or rather person, of his utmost fascination was down on the street level, sitting on the steps of her front door. Showered by the rays of sunlight spraying across her summer-kissed tan skin and auburn hair, Toudou Shizuka, the girl next door, literally, sat patiently, waving at the neighborhood children as they passed by her. Her legs were laid out in front of her while she rested the weight of her body on her two arms at her side. A soft, cheerful smile played across her lips. Rumiko shook her head; finally understanding what Rui's sudden melancholy was all about, or rather, whom it was about.

"It's been awhile since I've seen Shizuka come over to visit," she nonchalantly mentioned.

"She's been busy, or that's what she told me," Rui icily responded. His eyes remained fixed on the young woman with an intensity that appeared slightly unnerving. "She doesn't come for lessons anymore."

"Well, her parents did stop paying for them. I did offer her to come over a few afternoons a week when I had a break in between my other lessons. I do miss having her voice in the house. The girl has the potential to go far with a voice like hers."

She reminisced all of the times over the years that Shizuka used to show up at their door, eager and impatient to begin her vocal training. It was out of her own league to vocally train the girl, being as how vocals weren't her specialty. She was better versed in the art of playing instruments, rather than using the human voice box. However, when a certain young girl showed up on her doorstep begging to be taught, yet having the worst hands that ever touched a piano, it was by chance that she was saved by her voice. She had devoutly showed up for her weekly lessons through the years. It was a cute memory to recall Rui opening the door that day she arrived for her first lessons. Shizuka instantly took to the quiet little boy, picking him up and swinging him in the air. And for the first time, Rumiko saw her baby laugh with a joy that he rarely shared. He was always a solemn little thing, but Shizuka seemed to bring out the child in him.

You could say Shizuka had a gift with children. She was quite popular and well known in the neighborhood as the best babysitter in the area. So, Rumiko instantly snatched at the chance to ask her to become Rui's playmate after coming to the conclusion he had trouble socializing with children around his age. With Shizuka, he seemed to relax and truly enjoy being a child. She never knew exactly what the girl had whispered in his ears when he threw temper tantrums or burst out into his erratic mood swings. She was a godsend.

Being born with a rather high intellect for a child his age, it was prone to be that he would feel like an outsider within his own age range. His mother tried to fill that void in his life by introducing him to music. She had a saying, 'You can never have enough music to embrace the soul and lift the heart.' So, at the age of eight, he had already mastered the violin, her instrument of choice. This led to an immersion in other instruments taught by her, or rather, through his own self-learning. As soon as he learnt to master the piano's ivory keys, he found his role as the accompaniment to Shizuka. The two would spend hours each afternoon practicing. It was just the both of them and the music back then.

And as the young girl grew up to a woman, Rui grew along with her. Slowly, her lessons became less and less frequent as her priorities of childhood shifted to those of a woman. She should have seen it coming when Rui retreated back into his shell. Shizuka would stop by with a quick apology for not being able to stay. Usually the reason would be a young man standing out on the sidewalk waiting for her. When Shizuka had learned about the world of dating, she took full advantage of that. At 16, she was becoming a beautiful woman, one that was desired and sought after by more than a few neighborhood boys. She did try to find time for Rui, but teenagers will be teenagers. Rui had to compete for her attention and it was a losing battle.

"Why don't you go down and talk to her?" his mother suggested.

"I don't think she would care much to talk to a measly thirteen year old," he grumbled. "She doesn't have much time for me anymore since she started dating that guy."

Rumiko listened intently, picking out every small inflection of his voice, displaying the disdain at a certain young man she recalled pulling up in front of the neighbor's house during the last few weeks. She thought it was cute the way he was jealous of him. "Hey, you won't be a measly thirteen year old for long. Soon you'll be a measly fourteen year old in a month." The comment earned her no laughs. "Well, at least go down and give her the birthday present you've been working on. It's a big deal that she's turning nineteen next week."

"You think every birthday is important."

"I do, don't I?" she laughed. "Forget it. Just go down and talk to her. I'll be waiting inside for you when you're done. I'll take a quick nap before we start our afternoon lessons. Okay?" She smiled weakly, pushing herself to get off the window seat. Her legs wobbled a bit, but she stabilized herself using Rui's shoulder for support." I'll see you later."

Rui nodded his head, watching his mother less than gracefully walk out the door. He frowned at the realization that he had not noticed until now, just how much older his mother seemed to appear to him at the moment. He shrugged it off as her own fatigue with all the extra lessons she was squeezing in for the neighborhood children. More than once she had been caught in a bind, asking him to fill in as the instructor while she finished a lesson with another student at the other end of the house.

His thoughts on his mother dissipated when his eyes fell back upon the beauty down below. He glanced towards the shelf on the wall that held the present he had wrapped the night before on it. The lump in his throat was swallowed as he hopped off the window seat and grabbed the small parcel. Clutching it in his hand, he vacated his sanctuary.

-----------------------------------

She leaned back staring up at the crystalline blue sky, watching the clouds float by with an ease of serenity around her. A soft melody played on her lips as she hummed a tune that she had remembered hearing on the radio that morning. Although on the outside she seemed the image of perfection, in reality she was just trying to escape the torment of her parents' nagging. Already a year had passed since she had graduated high school with the promise of taking a year off before starting university. Her father wanted her to be a lawyer while her mother pushed her on the premed track. Both were equally unappealing for the young starlet with hopes and dreams of fame in fortune infused in the shady world of entertainment. There were no guarantees out there, but she was willing to take the chance, which was the reason she had found herself out at various clubs around the city, hoping to be seen and known. She was quite proud of the small amount of recognition she had attained, but dread filled her, knowing that in the fall, she was expected to be in school.

"This sucks," she groaned as her head became cluttered with too many thoughts. She glared at the sky above her, but was surprised when a face was shoved in front of hers.

"What sucks?"

"God, don't scare me like that Rui!" she laughed. She moved to the side of her porch motioning for him to take the empty space beside her. "It's been awhile since we talked. I haven't seen much of you lately."

"I think it's the other way around," he pointed out. The small show of hurt was evident in his voice. He sat a bit farther away than necessary for two people who had known one another for practically their entire lives. "I haven't seen much of you around this past year."

She sighed, knowing full well what type of person Rui was. He was always overly sensitive than most boys, and held grudges like no other. This wasn't one of those times when she could just offer a simple 'sorry' and let the anger pass. On the other hand, she wished he would just understand what the last year was all about. It was her year to find herself.

"I'm sorry I haven't had as much time with you, but I've been busy trying to support myself. My parents weren't exactly thrilled when I put off university for a year to live in the 'real' world. I have bills to pay. I was lucky enough to get scouted by that modeling agency. They got me a few print job ads to do. It was better than trying to live off babysitting money."

"But you promised things would be the same."

"Everything is always changing, Rui. Right now, as we sit here, we're growing a little older and becoming something different without even realizing it. You can't really believe that everything in life will ever stay the same forever." Her arm slid across his back, and her hand fell upon his shoulder. Shizuka giggled at the faint blush on his cheeks from her proximity. It was just another one of those changes she was mentioning earlier. His little crush on her had not gone unnoticed. However, she saw it as only a passing fancy, like that of the rest of the boys in the neighborhood. "Come on, don't be mad at me, Rui," she pleaded.

It was hard to ever deny her anything. When she would take on that pitiful tone and look at him with soulful, repentant eyes, he knew he would be rendered powerless to her. It was unfair, but that was the way things worked. He could never stay angry with her for too long. "Fine, I forgive you," he mumbled. "Although I do wonder if I should give you this after the way you've been ditching me the last few weeks."

Her head ducked behind him to take a peek at the small box wrapped in soft pink tissue paper. A delicate white silk bow graced the lid in a light simplicity. "What is it?!"

"Nah uh," he teased. I don't think you deserve this, but since you're turning nineteen next week, I think I will go easy on you. I know how my elders tend to be careless and forgetful." He tossed the box into her hands and sat back to watch her open the gift.

Shizuka looked down at the box in her hands, taking note of how beautifully Rui had wrapped it. She looked up at him with an evil grin, and smacked him on the back of the head for the old comment.

"Ow!"

"Show more respect for your older peers."

"Sure thing, obaa-chan."

"Do you need another whack upside your head?"

"No!" he protested. "Just open it already."

"Fine," she huffed. Slowly, she meticulously peeled back the ribbon, letting it slip away to the ground. The paper came next, until she lifted the lid of the box. "It's beautiful. Can you put it on for me?"

He nodded, his hand picking up the small bracelet he had painstakingly mulled over for the past few weeks as an appropriate present. He was a bit short on cash and all the stores he had ventured into seemed to be lacking anything of real value to him. It wasn't until he was lazily strolling through the mall that he had spotted the simple charm on display in one of the stands. He could afford the charm, but the actual bracelet that went with it proved to be a bit out of his price range. So, he settled for a simple silk ribbon he had found lying amidst his mother's things.

His fingers burned from the slight contact of brushing against the smooth skin of her hands and wrist. His head was kept down low, as if he were deeply fascinated in knotting the ribbon perfectly. In reality, he was trying to calm his breathing. "There, all done," he breathed.

Instantly she threw herself at him, wrapping both arms around his neck. "I love it, Rui. Thank you," she gasped. Her wrist was brought up into the air displaying the simple silver charm in the shape of a clef note dangling from the white satin ribbon. As she pulled away, a full out grin broke on her face. "Actually, I was meaning to talk to you about something. I have some really exciting news."

Just seeing her happy made his heart flutter in delight. Perhaps he wasn't as smooth or handsome as some of the guys who had graced her porch, but he knew deep down that he would always hold that special place as her confidant. "What is it?" he asked, mildly curious as to what could have gotten her so excited.

She tossed her long locks over her shoulder. "Well, you know how I've been doing some modeling jobs on and off again."

Rui nodded his head, while thinking in his mind about the small magazine ad he had pulled out of the teen magazine he had purchased a few weeks ago for the sole purpose of having her picture. It was safely tucked away in one of dresser drawers, along with all the others since she had started her amateur-modeling career. "Uh huh."

"About a few months ago when I had to do that clothing store ad, I started to talk to one of the male models on the set. You wouldn't believe how shocked I was when the one and only Okamoto Junpei started to chat me up. At first I thought he was just another one of those sleazy male model types trying to hook up with one of us girls, but he was actually a really nice guy. He did hit on me, but once we got over the point that I wouldn't be going out with him anytime soon, we sort of became friends. You should see how the other half lives, Rui! Junpei was able to get us into some of the hottest clubs in the city. I should know since I've stood on the long line a few times, begging to get into them. Being friends has opened up a lot of doors for me. He even got me a few more modeling jobs that I wouldn't have normally gotten."

"So, where is this going?"

She blushed timidly, trying to work her way up to exactly what it was she wanted to tell him about. "There's this guy, actually he's one of Junpei's friends. He just got back from the States a short while ago."

He could feel his heart plummet into his stomach, which was beginning to churn with a bile-like acidity. How many times had he seen that very blush on her face as she started similar conversations? It was too many to count. Even at thirteen, he had felt the sting of having his heart ripped from his chest and thrown back in his face with a few harmless words.

"I think I'm in love."

And there was that knife stabbing right through his chest. He tried his best to keep his face relaxed and easy going for her benefit as much as for his own. Nothing in his life had ever been more difficult than letting her go, to let the one thing he had ever wanted leave. Whoever said that to love someone was to let them go was a fucking idiot. He wanted to be selfish. He wanted to tell her. But life was never fair. All he could do was be the bystander to his heart's own demise.

"Are you sure he isn't just like the others?"

Her eyes widened, but the obvious emotions flashed across her face. It ranged from shock, confusion, hurt, and finally anger. "I'm serious this time," she defensively exclaimed. "He's not like all the others. You don't know him like I do."

"How long have you known him?"

"Okay, so maybe I've only known him for about three weeks, but all it takes is a second to know that someone is the one. You just know at that exact moment, that you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together."

"Does he feel the same way about you?" Rui shirked away from her. There was a cruel satisfaction in him to see her question her own ideas. He knew that the lack of instant response to his question was enough proof that she was probably sadly mistaken in her thoughts.

She abruptly stood up, and dusted herself off. Her entire body became rigid. "He will love me. I just know it. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to convince him so."

"How can you blindly chase someone who may not even give a damn about you?"

She softly smiled at his naiveté. Her hand brushed up against his cheek. "I was hoping that when I did this, it wouldn't turn out so badly. I feel like everything I've ever wanted in my life is starting to fall into place. I'm so close to getting somewhere with my career. I'm getting my life together. I'm this close to being a star. I can feel it. Tell me that no matter what, you'll support my dream. All I've ever wanted was to be a star and to have a man that I will spend the rest of my life with. It's funny hwo you're the only one who understand me. You really are an old soul, Rui. Promise me, you'll wish me luck."

"Of course, I will."

"One day you'll understand Rui." She bent down coming a few centimeters from his face. Brushing his bangs out of his eyes, she kissed the exposed portion of his forehead. "And when you do, I hope she loves you as blindly as you love her."

From a distance, the sound of a car honking its horn could be heard interrupting their moment together. Shizuka looked up and her face lit up as two young men exited the car.

One man with dark brown, almost ebony hair walked a few steps up to the front entrance, waving. He leaned up against the closed gate, and motioned for her to go. He was dressed casually in a dark blue button shirt and khakis. Rui instantaneously recognized him as the one from the ads; thereby, he deducted him to be Junpei. The other gentlemen remained quiet and leaned up against the car with an almost bored look on his face. He seemed to look unhappy about the stop they had to make and showed little interest, if any, at his surroundings. His own personal appearance was a few notches below his friend's with a simple worn t-shirt bearing the name of some American rock band on the front and dark denim jeans. A darkly shaded pair of sunglasses hid his eyes from the prying rays of sunlight.

"Junpei! Susumu!" she squealed. Shizuka forgot about all else and ran towards the gate. The awkward little promise she had asked for was dropped with the men's arrival. She tore through the gate and gave Junpei a hearty hug. "I'll see you around Rui!" she yelled over her shoulder as she tugged Junpei to the car.

As Junpei got into the backseat, Shizuka went up to the other man latching herself to his arm. "I don't even get a hello, Susumu!" she whined.

He didn't seem the least bit fazed by her complaint. A friendly, almost fake smile crossed his lips as he kissed her on the cheek and patted her on the head, much like an older brother would do to his sister. "You're so weirdly cute sometimes," he laughed. Leaving her a bit dumbfounded by his assessment, he walked around to enter the driver's seat. Before his head ducked down into the car, he noticed the boy sitting on the porch watching his every move. With a careless goodbye wave, he entered the car and they drove off.

Rui clenched his hands into fists at his side. Raw, blind jealousy coursed through his veins, watching her toss her head back, laughing at something as they drove out of sight. He understood that a thirteen year old could never have the chance at winning the heart of a woman, but it hurt all the same. He wanted to be a man, a man that she could see for what he felt for her. However, fate was always cruel to him, to allow him to fall for the girl next door. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he hopped off the porch and trudged back to his house, sulking in his own misery and self-pity.

----------------------------------

Rui always knew one day that she would break free, but he never expected her to just pack up and leave. He was the first and last person to know what happened. He never considered their last conversation as anything much to pay attention to, but the signs were there in her cryptic words. To say her parents weren't disappointed was a lie. Her mother locked herself in her room for days, wondering where she went wrong with her only daughter. Her father fell into a sullen anger that relished in the thought of his only child returning one day with her tail between her legs, begging for home. However, they both knew how stubborn Shizuka was. In her hastily scribbled note left on her nightstand, she ironically apologized for wanting her dream and made a promise that she would make it unlike the thousands of other girls out in the city with the exact same dream.

And so life went on more or less.

He did miss her terribly. Here and there, he would collect any brief photos of her in magazines. She was even becoming quite the social figure in the elitist groups of the wealthy inner circle. The last article he had read had a hastily taken blurry picture of her dashing out of some club on a man's arm. The blurb postulated her to be the current girlfriend to some rich heir.

Some days were good.

Others were not so good.

And life went on.

It wouldn't do any justice to him to say that he was a complete loser when it came to girls. It was just they never could compare to Shizuka. He never wanted to admit to anyone, but she had set the bar for all girls and women besides his mother. They didn't seem worth his time. It was of course ironic that his brooding detachment to the opposite sex had them swarming towards him for the chance to break into his shell.

To please his mother's worries he dated a few of them. None of them lasted more than a week. Rumors began to fly around school, and he had been called a fag a few more times than he would have liked as he passed his peers in the halls. Thus, he was as always a loner in his own right. In high school, three strikes were enough to label anyone the class freak. His above average IQ put him in a league out of the sphere of high school maturity levels. Then there was his callus demeanor, which never won him any points either. It is true when they say high school is hell.

----------------------------

He ignored the looks and whispering directed at him as he passed by his classmates in the hallway. He had learned to tune them all out a long time ago, considering most of them had been in the same class since kindergarten. Even after all of those years together, they never got tired of using him as a means for ridicule and disgust. Perhaps it was their own personal insecurities and his odd mannerisms that lead to a long upheld tradition of ridicule and public humiliation. Maybe he was just an easy target.

"There he is. I heard he got caught shooting up on one of the stairwells between classes."

"Isn't it obvious? All he does is sleep in class, if he ever shows up that is. He's always so pallid and walks around as if he were the walking dead."

"What do you expect from a stoner fag like him?!"

Their high-squealed, shrill laughter drifted to his ears, breaking through the slow thrum of the piano solo blasting through his headphones. He could care less what they thought. Turning his head at just the right moment, he flashed a dirty smirk in their direction, followed by a profane hand gesture. Feeling that his work was done for the moment, he laughed inwardly at the look of shock and deep crimson blush crossing the ladies' features. "Anytime, ladies!" he yelled as he continued his leisure swagger down the hall.

It was always the same rumors for him. It was an inevitable fact that in their perfect community, someone had to be made the sacrificial lamb in their thirst for scandal and gossip. When he finally managed to make his way through the crowds, he pushed the creaky metal door open, allowing the sunshine to bathe his pale face. A large inhalation of the cool fall air was sucked into his lungs as he breathed a sigh of relief to be released from the stifling confines of high school horror.

_I've been looking in the mirror for so long._

_That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side._

Rui slid down against the warm stonewalls, coming to a lazy position propped up by the exterior of the building. The lyrics of the song he was listening to poured out from his lips in a mumbled whisper. Although the mood of the song was quite morbid, he was easily soothed by the rise and fall of the piano keys forming the melody.

Freak. Stoner. Fag. Couldn't they come up with anything better? She didn't seem to think of me that way when I fucked her in the janitor's closet last month.

He shook his head chuckling to himself while reaching for the glossy magazine peeking out from underneath the flap of his messenger bag.

They're all just hypocrites. What would her little friends think if I told them about the way she cried when I pulled my pants back up and walked out without a single word? Girls like her only wanted one thing. They want to score with a bad ass, hoping that maybe I will see something in them. I know that look in their eyes, the way they seem to lean in a bit closer than necessary to flash me a peek at their breasts. I give them what they want. In return, they take the edge off the day and earn my silence for their moment of weakness.

I hate fucking whores.

His fingers carefully plucked at the overly colorful photo spreads and large type font brazenly glaring back at him. Dead, dull eyes listlessly glanced at the words and pictures before him.

_All the little pieces falling, shatter._

_Shards of me,_

_Too sharp to put back together._

_Too small to matter,_

_But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces._

_If I try to touch her,_

And then he found it. He was never the type to ever pick up a rag magazine boasting of the latest rumors floating about in the young elite socialites. He could have cared less who got caught with eight grams of angel dust in his car or who was the one fucking their stepfather. It was the small snippet of a photo on the bottom corner of the cover boasting over the tawdry secrets of one of the best up and coming clubs that caught his attention. The air was stolen from him at the mere sight of her. A trembling finger reached out to trace the fine curvatures of her face on the large spread.

_And I bleed,_

_I bleed,_

The reminiscent sentimentality of the moment was only snatched away at the realization that she was not alone in the picture. All of the beauty he saw in her was destroyed by the proximity of HIM. He hated him with all his passion. Even though more than a year had passed since he had last seen him leaning against the car that day, he still hated him for all he was worth.

Shinimori Susumu, owner and founder of the illustrious club, Last Resort that was taking Tokyo by storm with his eclectic club mixes, seedy underground décor, and a record of pushing the limits any club had ever tried. The fucking bastard is the reason she's gone.

His nails dug into his palms as he glared down at the smiling couple in front of him. The thought never occurred to him that perhaps she was happy with him. His own childish pride would not let him grasp that concept. After all the time that had passed, his adoration for Shizuka had become somewhat of an obsession. She was his Catherine, as he was her Heatchcliff, bound by an unwavering love than transcended that which only those who were soul bound was to ever possess. All they would have to hold onto were the fleeting mixed up memories of a time come and gone in their very own susburban Wuthering Heights. She played with his emotions so carelessly, yet he always forgave her, driving himself to a silent madness without her. He desperately wanted her, only her. The words she had last spoken to him rung in his ears,

She was lured by the promise of fortune and fame, prostituting her soul to him for those very things. He had already stained her innocence.

Blame and hatred were all he felt for the happy, smiling millionaire staring back at him. He was disgusted by the way he so casually left his arm hanging over her shoulder claiming her as his own. More than anything he could taste the bile rising in his throat at what he himself had become. He was no better than one of those brooding high school boys, mooning over the girl that wouldn't give him the time of day. His feelings for her were those of love and hate. He would love her undeniably, but at the same time hate her for binding him to her like a chained dog to give him that small ounce of hope only to yank him back to his cruel realty. He belonged to her and no one else.

In a rare moment, he closed his eyes and let the guilt wash over him. There were always one too many girls he had used and tossed aside when the euphoria of being wanted by something that seemed unattainable passed. He had never taken to any substances to blanket over his depression. That he swore to himself. However, he had hurt himself much deeper than any narcotic coursing through his body could have done slowly, devouring his corporeal state. The cuts that ran deep in his mental state would last him for a lifetime, debilitating him from ever functioning as a human being.

He was a monster.

Taking a long, slow breath, his eyes opened and he sang along with the last few words of the song.

_And I breathe,_

_I breathe no more._

--------------------------

He stared listlessly out of the window, watching the houses whiz by as the bus careened at an alarmingly higher speed than the limit allowed. With one arm firmly gripping onto the handle, keeping his body from falling onto the person next to him, he continued to stand there with his book bag carelessly sliding off his shoulder. All of the obtrusive outside noises going around him were displaced by the music blasting through his MD. As the bus came to a screeching halt at the corner, he leapt out of the back door, ignoring the looks given his way as he pushed his way out.

His body felt heavy, and his hands itched to find something to fill the gaping hole in him. He needed that extra little something to take the edge off of his already tiring day.

"I'm home!" Rui yelled as he kicked off his shoes at the doorway. His bag was tossed in a heap somewhere along the way as he meandered through the house. One by one he plucked the buttons of his jacket open releasing himself from its stifling confinement. He tugged his dress shirt out, letting the ends hang loosely over his pants.

The soft melodic tones of a violin being played somewhere in the living room alerted him to the whereabouts of the person he was looking for. Pushing his headphones off, he walked towards the music, entranced by the notes wrapping themselves around him.

With perfect posture, she stood in front of the large open bay windows leading out into the gardens. Her hair was brushed up in a simple, yet elegant chignon with just a few wisps of hair framing her thin face. Her back was to him, and her shoulders hunched slightly, hugging the violin clutched between her hand and chin. The bow struck the strings, releasing the high to low ranged tones, creating a cacophonous symphony. A pair of headphones similar to the ones that Rui was wearing, were hooked onto her ears.

Not wanting to disturb her as she reached the last of what was probably Vivaldi's "Spring", he waited patiently, leaning against the doorway. He closed his eyes to bathe in the music being produced by her alone. As the last note echoed into the air, she dropped the violin from her chin letting the violin dangle in one hand while the bow was in the other. Panting slightly from the exertion of her entire body being used while she played the piece and the great concentration used, she placed the violin in its case on the floor before pulling the headphones off.

"You seemed a little weak during the solo," he flatly stated.

"Oh god!" she gasped clutching her heart. She jumped startled by the way he suddenly announced his appearance. A mischievous smirk crossed her lips as she pointed the bow at him like it was a sword. "Is that a challenge I hear, kind sir?"

His hands went up in surrender, not wanting to have a bow gouged through him. He knew better than to challenge his mother at her most mastered instrument. "That would be suicide to take you up on that offer."

Her eyes raked over him with a predatory gleam, studying him from his shoes to his hair. "My, my, my sometimes I wonder if they made boys like you back when I was in high school. Sometimes I can't believe you used to be the little chubby toddler who ran around without his pants on, claiming the potty monster would eat him."

"Can we not bring up the potty monster story?" he groaned. He walked across the room and plopped himself down on the couch.

Taking the seat beside him, she threw her head back, laughing whole-heartedly. "Excuse me for wanting to take a stroll down memory lane. How was school today?"

"Same old, same old," he shrugged. His head bent downwards finding his lap very interesting. "Don't bother waiting for me to get home tomorrow. I have detention."

The smile on her face fell. "Not again, Rui!" she scolded. "What was it this time? Were some of the other kids bothering you again?"

"No, it wasn't that. I didn't feel much like going to match class. I got caught ditching."

"And what were you doing exactly."

"I was sleeping," he confessed abashed. "You know how it is for me at school. I get bored easily."

Her fingers ruffled through his shaggy hair, and she softly smiled. "You have been looking a bit tired all of the time. Have you been sleeping enough at night? Are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?"

He brushed her hands away, scowling at the manner she always chose to baby him. "I'm fine," he grunted. "Maybe I just need to lie down on my bed for awhile. It's just a bad case of insomnia. It comes and goes. Nothing to stress over."

From the look on her face, she didn't let her observations slide without the prerequisite motherly intuition kicking in. She opened her mouth to voice her protest, but quickly changed her mind, shaking her head at the uselessness in arguing.

"Thank you," he sighed relieved at her surrender of any further investigation. He stumbled a bit, pulling himself off of the couch, and rubbed at his head not bothering to hide the long yawn that came out. "Wake me up for dinner."

"It'll be a bit later than usual. You're father will be coming home today. He asked that we wait for him."

"What?!" he yelled, feeling completely awake all of a sudden. "He's coming back today? For how long? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Some would think that you looked forward to your father coming home."

He lowered his head, ashamed by the recrimination in her tone. "I didn't mean it that way."

She sighed, rubbing her temples, knowing for a fact that the two men she loved more than anything in the world could barely tolerate each other. Father and son had never seen eye to eye on a lot of things. "He'll be taking the six o'clock train home. That means dinner will be at seven. He's staying for two weeks this time. I was going to surprise you with the news later when your father got home, but I might as well tell you now. I was invited to perform in a few shows with the Tokyo Philharmonic Orchestra next week. They offered me first chair violin and the promise of perhaps some touring opportunities. I haven't mentioned the latter part to your father yet, but I'm hoping to tell him later tonight." She hesitantly looked up at him for some kind of reaction, fearing what the news might bring. "So, what do you think?"

He stood impassively, staring at her in silence for a few moments before rushing over and sweeping her off the couch in a hug, swinging her around in circles. "That's great news! They're really going to offer to let you tour with them?!"

She squeezed his shoulder, signaling him to put her down. "The offer is on the table, depending on my performance."

"You know you'll get it. They'd be insane not to take you. This is the chance in a lifetime."

"I know. Most people don't get asked back a second time, but I still need to think about it. Joining would mean that I wouldn't be home as much as I would like anymore. I would be away touring for weeks at a time. You are old enough to be on your own, but I don't like the idea of you being parentless for so long."

"I can take care of myself. God, this is your fucking dream!"

"Language!"

"Sorry!" He clasped his hand over his mouth, trying to wipe the huge grin off of his face. "If my opinion counts for anything, I say you do it."

"Thanks for the support, but you better get to your nap while I start preparing dinner. Looks like we'll be having a little celebration tonight." She tousled his hair one last time before flouncing out of the room.

Feeling too buzzed about the good news, he walked up the stairs to his bedroom, jumping onto the bed with a loud thud. He lay there for a good few hours staring at the ceiling with contentment in his heart.

Sometimes in the middle of all this shit, good things happen.

------------------------

"How is school?"

"Good," Rui grumbled. He kept his head bent low to avoid contact with the man sitting to his left.

"I hope you haven't getting into too much trouble. You shouldn't make your mother worry so much all the time."

Hanazawa Taro sat at the head of the dining room table, sampling a bit of each of the dishes in front of him. His chopsticks picked up the smallest morsels of food, bringing it to his lips. As always he never ate much when he was home. Or rather, he never ate much to begin with. His physical frailty was painfully visible in his sharply defined, jutted cheekbones and lean frame. Most would have wondered how a man like him ever captured the attention of the boardrooms he inhabited most of his nights and days. In his youth, he had probably been considered quite dashing and charming, but the years had caught up to him with a vengeance, reaping him of most of his vitality. He was a shell of a man really.

Rui kept his head down low. It was not that he feared his father. It was more he feared what he would do if he looked him in the face. Years of resentment on his part were not about to disappear with his joyful homecoming. The same vicious cycle had repeated itself over the years until he finally realized what his father was really doing. In the beginning, he idolized the man like a son should to his father. There were those long periods of waiting for him to come home and the sense of pride in knowing his father was some important businessman that required him to be away from home often. Their reunions weren't ever overly sentimental. It was usually a nice pat on the head and a calm warning to not worry his mother that was offered. Finally, he came to realize over the years that his father's love wasn't so important, or perhaps, he refused to see that he craved it more than he realized. The only person he could ever witness melting that icy heart, was his mother. She was his father's world. Everything stopped for her.

"Rui never makes me worry. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He's grown up into a fine young man." She smiled sweetly at his father, in an act of trying to urge him to find better use of the conversation than to criticize their son. "He's been good enough to teach a few of the children in the neighborhood. It's nice having some help with the overload of students I've bee receiving."

"You shouldn't have to teach those children," Taro bit out. The pair of chopsticks in his hand slammed against the table. "I provide well enough for this family."

"But I enjoy doing it. It's a compliment that so many children want lessons with me. You know I've only taken the ones who want to learn. I refuse to teach the ones who are forced by their parents to play an instrument to further their nonexistent resumes."

"You should be more focused on our child rather than someone else's," he argued. "You agreed to no more music. I can't even fucking believe you went begging for a job with the orchestra. Do you know how bad that makes me look? You shouldn't have to work."

Rui's patience was thinning. He hated the way his father would turn things around on his mother in some twisted sense of guilt, taking away one of the few things she lived for. His grip tightened on his chopsticks, splitting them in two while the taste of blood seeped into his mouth from the cut on his cheek, where he had bitten to keep his mouth shut. "Shut up! Who the fuck are you to tell her or any of us what to do? You come here every few months, turning everything upside down with your visits, pretending that you know everything, but you know what? You don't! I don't need you! Okaa-san doesn't need you! We are better without you. We always have, and we always will. I wish you would just pack your bags and get the fuck out!" The broken pieces of wood in his hands were tossed onto the table as well as his bowl of rice. They fell with a loud clatter, momentarily breaking the eerie silence that followed his tirade. He looked up to see his father's grim face.

His father looked at him or rather right through him. There was a mixture of pain from the verbal abuse, but at the same time, anger shone brightly through. He cleared his throat about to say something in response. However, he was cut off by the deafening sound of a hand slicing through the air, landing against skin.

Rumiko snatched her hand back, nursing her hand. As a musician she had always been taught to guard her hands for they were her livelihood, but something like this, she could not tolerate. A small bit of horror passed her train of thought as she saw Rui's face fall to the side at her slap; however, she could not let him act so disrespectfully. "You will apologize to your father," she sternly commanded. There was neither warmth nor sympathy for him in her voice.

Rui stared at the floor. His eyes were still wide and his brain was racing to figure out exactly what had happened. The shock would not wear off. Even though his cheek stung and hot tears began to flow from his eyes, he would not let them win. He didn't even realize when it had become a war of his parents versus him, always believing his mother would take his side; but betrayal is always the hardest thing to ever comprehend.

"Apologize to your father," she ground out once more, punctuating each word in her hardened tone.

He felt helplessly foolish. It was unnerving to have that bubble that made him believe he and his mother were always partners in everything burst. As he stared hard at the ground swallowing the tears back, he realized that she wasn't what he thought her to be. She was just like everyone else, specifically Shizuka. His trust was shattered once again. Refusing to concede, he pushed past her, ignoring the sounds or feel of her thin frame being knocked aside. He did not feel one ounce of regret when he heard the table shudder under her weight as she gripped onto it to keep from falling over. The pounding of his feet against the steps matched the rhythm of his heart, before stopping with the slam of his door closing. The scene replayed over and over again in his head, even when he closed his eyes and fell to the bed, hoping to banish it forever from his vision.

Sadistically, he had always wondered to himself in a matter of choosing which man his mother would run to. What he had witnessed was the reality of the 'which loved one would you save if they were drowning in the sea scenario.' It hurt to know the truth. It hurt even more to realize that he had always known who she would choose.

All I've ever done is love you and this is what I get.

-----------------------------------

And so, the house that was once filled by the cheerful laughter of him and his mother or the chattering of children running in and out between lessons came to a halt. The doors were temporarily closed to the students. Taro stayed home for the next few weeks on a short break before his next business trip to China to check up on a few factories out there. For the time being, he was slipping in and out of the front door each morning and night with the excuse of checking in with the main office to get some paperwork done.

Rui had lain awake all night, listening to the muffled sounds from below his room. He had heard the way his father and mother argued for quite some time, over who had screwed up their son more and how things had come to the point they were at. In the end, it all came down to one thing- why did he have to ruin it all? Silence is a virtue, one which he had maintained most of his life. Why did he choose that very moment to lose it in the overly climactic teen freak out?

But what was done was done, and there was no taking back of the words exchanged or the looks of disappointment sent in either direction in their withering glances. Life went on; the sun still rose and fell with the start and end of each day. However, one fact still remained. It was in Rui's own quiet ponderings that he began to really question the so- called happy family life his parents presented. The idea in itself was utterly baffling. After the not so pleasant night of the family reunion, his mother and father walked about the house as if nothing had happened. They calmly chatted, laughed, and every so often, would sneak a kiss when they believed he was not looking. In essence, his parents presented the very image of two people very much in love. Perhaps, he had ignored the brief phases of his parents' affections to each other whenever his father returned only to leave mere days later, but this time something was very off, something he couldn't quite put his finger on.

The light knock on his door roused Rui from his melancholy. Spending hours locked up in the confines of his room blasting away his youthful hearing by the sheer force of the booming bass was common for him nowadays. With his father at home, his home no longer felt like the place where he belonged. He was the odd man out. When the mattress shifted slightly under the presence of another person sitting at the edge of his bed, Rui lowered his magazine to peer over the top. Finding nothing of great interest, he went back to perusing the latest news on which bands were making their way on the concert circuit that summer.

Rumiko was not about to take anymore of the silent treatment as she reached over and pulled the plug on his headphones, silencing his music. Her lips remained in a firm, rigid line, showing no humor in his behavior. "We need to talk," she demanded.

He held onto his unyielding will, refusing to bend to her. In his head, he reasoned that she had started the war, so it was up to her to surrender first. He went on reading his magazine, pretending nothing was going on.

"It's very unbecoming of you to act like such a spoiled brat. Do you plan on not speaking to me for the rest of your life? It's rather childish behavior for a sixteen year old, I must say."

Her tact didn't seem to bring anything out of him except for a brief snort at her pathetic attempt to manipulate him in a well thought out mind game. "I know I'm being childish," he flatly stated. "So what?"

"Ah, he speaks!"

"Did you come here to just crack stupid jokes?"

The smile on her lips fell. "Okay, so let's get to the serious stuff then. I was just going to give you a heads up that your father will be staying a few more weeks."

That certainly got his attention. He shot up from his slouched position against the headboard, with his eyes wide in attention. "Exactly how many weeks?"

She shook her head. "I'm not really sure. Things have been a bit hectic in his office, so he's temporarily displaced at the moment." Rumiko knew the news would not bode well with Rui. In her own selfishness, she loved the fact that her husband would be home a bit more now. The past two weeks had been trying, with having to placate both son and father, but it was worth it to see Taro walk through that door every night to come back to her.

"Whatever."

"I noticed you've been staying out a lot lately. Ken told me you were putting in a few hours a night playing at the piano bar. You must have a nice little nest egg saved up by now."

"I have a few thousand. Ken pays peanuts, but the tips make up for it."

Her eyebrows knitted in contemplation. "Why do you hate your father so much?"

"What father? He's never been around for either of us, always off somewhere working, or so he says. When he does come home, all he does is criticize you and me about how we should be living or what we should and should not be doing. It's frustrating as hell to have him come in and turn our lives upside down. It's always something about how I'm such a burden to you, or why I'm not taking the more advanced classes in school. Even better is the interrogations about what my future career goals are, which should not include any type of music at all. He's just some guy I happen to share DNA with."

"That's a rather curt and dry way to put it. But he is your father, and he is my husband, Rui. You can't deny that. I love you both, but it's driving me up the wall to try to make things work for all of us. Can't you just try to get along with him for me?"

"There you go again. You're always taking his side. Don't you even realize the things he says about you? My god, you don't even say one word when he tell you to stop playing the violin as if it were as mundane as telling you to stop smoking. He doesn't understand anything except what he wants to understand."

"Sounds a bit like someone else I know," she dryly laughed.

"I'm nothing like him," Rui defensively fought back. He crossed his arms over his chest, huffing. "I don't know what it is, but there's something not completely right about him. It's like he...changes. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes he acts like two different people, except you are the only one who ever gets to see his good side."

She frowned at his admission. Although she played it off as nothing when her son had hit her husband's odd behavior to the mark, she continued the conversation as if it were his own paranoia that had come to the conclusion. "He's just under a lot of pressure, Rui. You can't say he hasn't tried to open up to you a bit more. You've been so moody lately and brushing him off. He really does care for you, even if you don't think so. You can't blame him for being a bit frustrated at the lack of progress between you two."

His rigid posture relaxed a bit as he carefully thought over her words. "I guess," he answered. His voice gave away a hint of uncertainty, which he knew was an opening for his mother to pounce on.

"Good," she smiled. "I'll be right back." She gracefully lifted herself off the sunken mattress, and glided across the room, opening the door to grab something hanging on the doorknob on the other side. With a small bit of flair, she presented the garment bag to him. "You'll need this later."

He raised an eyebrow in bewilderment. "A tux?"

"Uh huh." She nodded her head. "Close your mouth and get dressed. You wouldn't want to make your mother late for her first performance."

"Holy crap! You're going to do it!" he yelled, falling out of the bed while trying to jump out of the bed. He scrambled to his feet, and picked her up off the ground in a bone- crushing hug. "You're seriously rejoining the orchestra? What about Otou-san?"

Rumiko patted him on the back, trying to ease his grip on her. "He was just shocked by the idea at first, but he understands what this means to me. He's not the tyrant you make him out to be."

"Fine," he agreed finally. "Maybe he's not as bad as he seems."

"And you promise to not shut him out anymore, right?"

"I'll try."

"Good boy. Now get dressed. Your father ordered the limo to arrive by five. There might be some traffic getting into the city. I need to be getting dressed, as well. I'll see you downstairs."

When she left the room, Rui quickly ripped his t-shirt and jeans off before unzipping the bag to reveal a brand new tuxedo in his size. He grinned madly to himself, thinking of all the future nights he would be needing this outfit for his mother's performances.

-----------------------

They arrived with time to spare and in pure fashion. It was a black and white affair with his family's choice of dress. With a handsome man on each arm, his mother sauntered into the great concert hall without a single flinch of anxiety for what the night would become. She nodded her head to the security guards as they brushed past the signs warning intruders of the restricted area. Nothing could knock the smile off of her face. Everything was perfect, too perfect.

While Rui had remained civil to his father the entire car ride, there was no major break through in their relationship. His mother tried to break the awkward silences with her light banter, but the tension was still visibly there. All in all, the two men had managed to maintain a rather nice conversation about the weather they had been having lately and the fact that his mother looked quite beautiful.

Rui wandered off on his own as his mother talked to the director about the last minute changes to the program. After the brief introductions to everyone who would stop and listen to his mother's gushing about her handsome husband and son, Rui decided to walk off and explore a bit of the stage before the performance. So, he watched with lackluster interest as a few of the early arrivers tuned their instruments. He recognized the seat with his mother's name taped on the seat and went over to sit in her place. It was a moment of pure ecstasy to be in the very place where his mother would sit in a few minutes, performing for a crowd of hundreds. His mother's fame had not been completely forgotten when she married and retired, so the opening night was a sell out. It was a matter of the public judging whether or not it was wise for her to come out of her retirement, and if she was ready to be back out in the public. Taking the vase, and placing it in his lap, he flipped the lid open, pulling out his mother's prized violin, the one she had used in her youth when she performed. The smooth wood felt cold against his chin as he tucked it there. Without thinking, he began to pluck a few strings, readjusting them to tune them to the proper pitch. After finally finding the perfect positioning of the strings' tautness, he ran the bow over the strings, producing what his mother had always called the perfect note. Forgetting his whereabouts, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His hands moved with a rhythm on their own, as the bow was sent across the strings, producing a series of frenzied trills, string crossing, spicatto singing, and double stops. The music poured out from the violin as he lost himself to it all.

He barely even realized when he released his breath that the hall had become deathly quiet. The sounds of other musicians tuning their instruments had stopped as everyone looked towards the strange boy sitting in the first chair violinist's seat. Their mouths were left gaping, while the other violinists in his section had completely gone shell-shocked. Hushed whispers began furiously spreading across the room. Rui blushed and quickly went to putting his mother's violin back in the case. His hands that had so expertly handled the violin fumbled to get it back into its proper place.

Finally, one man at the side of the stage walked out clapping. Soon, more clapping followed, and Rui stood up abruptly from the seat, with eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.

"C'est magnifique!" The ebony haired man glowed with admiration as he approached Rui with an outstretched hand for a handshake. He stood tall, at about a head taller than Rui. His pearly white smile gleamed as Rui tentatively took his hand.

"Merci, monsieur," he mumbled back.

"Ah!" His eyes lit up by the little bit of French that was exchanged. "Parlez vous francais?"

"Un peu. Je parle un peu francais." Rui shifted slightly, wanting to escape the strange French man that seemed to smile a bit too widely for his taste, as if he knew him. He was about to make an excuse to escape, but was interrupted.

"Rumiko taught you well," he stated in perfect Japanese.

It was Rui's turn to be shocked at the switch in languages. The entire time, the man presented the appearance as speaking only French. "You speak Japanese?"

"Of course, I do. One requires a good knowledge of the language when working in the exchange program between countries. I'm from the Superior Conservatory of Paris. I'm forgetting my manners. My name is Alexander Sauniere."

Rui looked through him as if the name was supposed to mean something. The conservatory did ring a bell, considering his mother studied in the Marseille conservatory before moving on to Paris when she was younger. "My name is Hanzawa Rui. You mentioned my mother's name. Do you know her?" he blankly asked. He was still confused by the man in front of him and the relation to his mother.

"I assume you were too young when I last saw you, Rui," he laughed. "It's rather awkward since you don't recognize your own godfather."

"Godfather?" Before Rui was able to get another word out of his mouth, a high-pitched squeal echoed through the hall.

"Alexander!" his mother cried, running out onstage as if she were still an impetuous teenager. Her formal demeanor vanished with her recognition of a childhood friend. She rushed forward, hugging the man before giving him two swift kisses on each cheek in greeting. She forgot about her son on the side and started a fast paced conversation in French that left Rui a bit dazed by what she was saying.

"Okaa-san?" he asked tapping his mother on the shoulder.

Rumiko ceased talking for a moment, excusing herself from the conversation. "Rui! I see you've already met Alexander."

"He has," Alexander concurred. "It was hard to miss, considering there has been only one other person I have ever heard playing Tartini's "Devil Sonata" like that. I should have known it would be your son. My father would have been beside himself to hear that rendition."

"He probably would have snatched him away to declare him his new protégé," she laughed. She beamed with pride as she looked at her son. "He was born with the hands and the ear for music."

"Just like his mother."

"He's even better than me. Rui was able to play that piece perfectly at the age of nine. He has the gift that David was always talking about. If he were alive, he would have fought tooth and nail to steal my son away. He always spoke of finding the perfect student."

"I always thought you were just exaggerating in your letters." He ran his hands through the thick mess of hair on his head, chuckling.

She snapped out of her reminiscent daze and hooked her arm around Rui's, dragging him closer. "Rui, Alexander was the son of my violin teacher when I lived in France. We practically grew up together. You probably don't remember him since the last time you saw him was when you were in diapers. He's your godfather."

"Nice to meet you," Rui lamely said.

"He should be playing next to you, Rumi. How old are you now, Rui?"

"Sixteen."

"My god, how time passes so quickly. You must have only been about three months old when I last saw you. You make me feel like such an old man."

"You're my age," Rumiko cut in. "I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to roll over and die yet. I've still got a lot of good years left to go. Oh, here comes Taro. Taro! Look who I found!"

Taro turned the corner making his way onstage where the small reunion was taking place. The pleasant smile on his face fell at the man standing beside his wife. "Sauniere," he gruffly greeted shaking his hand.

"It's been awhile, Taro."

Rui watched in avid fascination at the interaction between the two men. It was clearly visible that they did not share the same rapport as in the relationships they shared with his mother.

"What are you doing in town? I thought you were hiding yourself in Paris."

"Well, I thought I might fly in as a surprise for Rumi's return from retirement. It's not every day that I get a call from Rumi, asking for a favor to get back into performing."

At the mention of the little secret being let out, Taro visibly stiffened. Inside, he was seething at the apparent victory of the other man. Something just did not sit well when it came to Alexander. A rivalry that had long been forgotten was beginning to take rise.

Rumiko sensed that competitive fire in her husband's eyes, and quickly stepped in. Wrapping her arm around her husband's, she comfortingly hugged his arm. "It's always nice to see old friends." She put extra emphasis on the word 'friends'. "How about you boys get to your seats and enjoy the show? We need to clear the area before the performance starts."

Rui kept his mouth shut, but eyed his father and his apparent godfather. Kissing his mother on the cheek, he smiled. "Have a good show, okaa-san."

----------------------------------

The show went on as planned, and Rumiko put on a show worthy of high praise for the entire orchestra, from weeks of practice and hard work. There were even a few who stopped to praise Rui for his stunning warm up performance, wondering when he would be following in his mother's footsteps. They laughed, they smiled, and they appeared as the picture perfect family.

Being the ever so quiet observer, Rui noticed the small shifts in the mood as they rode the limo home. Although his father smiled and loving nuzzled his mother's neck in affection, whispering little compliments in his mother's ear, there were little things that bothered him. He wanted to shake off the feeling that his father's grip on his mother's arm was not as tight as it seemed. The possessiveness he held on her the entire night, not leaving her side during the after party was a bit disarming. There were also those brief moments when he would just look at her as if he was looking at a stranger. The behavior was truly peculiar. Then again, his father lived up to his role as a charmer. His friendly and garrulous behavior attracted a bit of attention, making his mother stand out a bit more as the wife of the charming man. Together, his parents did make a striking couple. His mother's regal elegance complimented his father's devilishly suave style. They were quite the power couple schmoozing the masses.

"The evening went quite well," Rumiko sighed as she slipped her shoes off her aching feet. She settled herself onto the couch, rubbing her abused toes. "What do you think Rui?"

Half asleep, he offered a thumbs up in her direction, before cupping his hand over his mouth to stifle the yawn that escaped. "It was great, okaa-san."

Rumiko patted the space beside her on the couch, motioning her husband to take the empty space beside her. He obligingly plopped himself down while undoing the confining straps of his bowtie and loosening the buttons of his shirt. Lovingly he pulled her legs into his lap, massaging her feet.

"You were absolutely magnificent," Taro agreed. "Give Rui a few more years and you might have to make a run for your money."

Rui instantly perked up at the out of place compliment. It was completely out of the blue and the fact that it referred to his musical talent was even more unfathomable. He saw the small smile of thanks his mother exchanged with his father that spoke volumes of her gratitude.

"Well, you should be getting to bed, Rui. It's been a long night and you have school tomorrow morning."

"Okay," he nodded his head. Kissing his mother tenderly on the cheek, he turned to walk up the long flight of stairs leading to his room. That night as he lay down in his bed drifting off to sleep, he briefly recalled an image, one that he would forever wonder whether or not it was a dream. His father loomed over his bed watching him, not realizing that he was half awake still. A look of longing and remorse was painted by the shadows cast over his face. However, the words seemed so real.

"I'm trying, Rui. I'm trying."

-----------------------------------

The last thing he wanted to do that day was to return home to see his mother's reaction to the black eye he was sporting. In his own defense, it really wasn't completely his fault. A man had his limits, and that guy was really pushing them. Before he even realized what was going on, fists were being thrown and the guy was out cold on the ground. Who knew the principal would take such offense to his plea of self-defense. A list of defenses ran through his head, but for even of someone of such high IQ, all he could come up with was, "He started it first."

He was all ready to face the firing squad of his mother's angry glares. He was even prepared to argue back when she gave him the lecture about possible expulsion from school. What he wasn't prepared for was the eerie silence that welcomed him.

"Okaa-san?' he timidly yelled. He heard his own echo ring through the empty house. Rui tip-toed through the house, cringing at what the silence could mean. If she was choosing to not be vocal about his misdeeds, then there was something seriously wrong with the verdict that would come from her judgment. Once more he called out to her, yet there was no reply.

"I don't know what to do anymore," a whisper slipped between the closed doors. A shaky hand lifted to wipe away the tears that slide down her cheeks. She listened in rapt silence as the person on the other line spoke.

Rui stopped a few steps outside the door. His own intrigue forced him to remain completely still and keep his presence unknown. A part of him wanted to rush in and comfort his mother, but better reason told him to keep his silence. He had a sixth sense that something was not right. Things had not been right for a long time. Ever since his father's more frequent stay at home and his mother's increasing number of hours spent at practices and traveling on tour, an unsettling calm had settled over the house.

"He doesn't listen when I try to reason with him anymore. He's letting it consume him. I have a feeling that he isn't even trying to hold back anymore. The last thing I want is for Rui to find out this way, not like this at least." Rumiko released the breath she was holding, trying to steady her nerve. "I just need to get Taro to calm down a bit, but I can't find him anywhere. He went as far as to accuse me of lying about Rui's paternity. We've been through this so many times. You and I were over long before. I just need to find him. He's been disappearing for weeks at a time now on these so-called business trips. I'm afraid he might become a danger to himself and anyone around him. " Her head shook in worry, ignoring the fact that the person on the other line could not see her. "I'm leaving tonight for a show in Kyoto. I won't be back for a few days. Maybe by then he'll be back. He knows someone has to be here for Rui. His sense of responsibility will bring him back. I know it."

Her hand reached up to wipe the way the last of her tears before she spoke a shaky goodbye. Hanging up the phone, she stood up from the bed and walked straight into her bathroom.

Rui's mind was racing, trying to process the bits and pieces of conversation he had overheard. He knew better than to jump to any conclusion, but some stray pieces of the conversation rang in his head.

What don't they want me to find out? Who was she speaking to? None of this makes sense. Otou-san has been coming back more frequently than ever, but he's always been away on his trips. What is all of this?

Lost in his own musings, he never even heard the door to the bedroom swing open. He winced, realizing that he might be in for a verbal tongue lashing at the sight of the black eye on his face. However, he lucked out that in his mother's own foggy haze, she didn't notice.

"Oh, Rui! I didn't know you came home already. I was just on my way out the door to run some last minute errands. I'll be back to see you before I leave tonight. Try to not order pizza every night like the last time I left you boys home alone," she gently admonished. Kissing him quickly on the cheek, she brushed right past him, leaving him in a befuddled daze.

"Okay, okaa-san."

Her steps abruptly came to a halt momentarily. She whipped around quickly, revealing a certain apprehension in her eyes. "If you're father calls, I want you to call my cell phone and tell me."

With that said, she strode briskly down the hallway, forgetting all about the boy left behind with a growing number of questions and uncertainty.

Nothing is right. Nothing is right at all.

----------------------------------------

He waited that night for the sound of her keys opening the front door. He half expected her to come rushing into the house like the fires of hell were on her heels, racing to pack up the last of her things into her traveling bag before she jumped into the cab to take her to the airport where the rest of the orchestra awaited her. But it never happened. After waiting for over two hours past the time of her flight, he gave up on waiting. There was a bit of an incessant nagging in his head when he realized that her bags were still in the living room. There was also the fact that her flight had probably left without her and she hadn't called to tell him about her change of plans. Somehow he talked himself into believing that maybe she got caught up in something and decided to take the next flight out tomorrow morning. Maybe she had gone out looking for his father after their fight and they were busy making up.

A lot of scenarios went through his head, but none of them would match up to what had happened that fateful night. He couldn't even believe it when he found himself in the back of the police car, on his way to identity two bodies that were found in the Maple hotel across town.

It seemed almost surreal, walking through the sterile, dimly lit room. The sound of the medical examiner pulling open the two steel drawers with a slicing sound piercing through the calm silence sent chills down his spine. When the two bodies with white sheets pulled over them to conceal their features were presented to him, his hands trembled as he reached for the first sheet. The haggard looking examiner who probably was immune to the emotional turmoil of such an event shifted restlessly on the balls of his feet, waiting for Rui to get it over with.

"It's him," Rui managed to choke out over the lump that rose in his throat. No tears would come out, nor did he become hysterical over the picture in front of him. There laying in on the cold, metal bed lacking any color except the grey pallid tone of death blushing his body, was his own father.

"Thank you," the examiner mumbled. His pen hastily scribbled down a few notes on his clipboard before he gently nudged Rui aside to push the body back into its arctic preserving chamber. "We just need you to identify the victim."

Victim. The word itself seared through his brain, unwilling to accept that it had come down to this. It didn't make sense at all. She should have been on that plane. She should have been home to say goodbye. He should have said something, anything, to stop her from going. If only he had confessed to her what he had overheard and demanded to know exactly what was going on. But everything was said and done, and there was no turning back from what had transgressed.

Taking a deep breath, his nose crinkled at the smell of formaldehyde and whatever other chemicals that permeated in the room. Forever would that stench of death rise in his nostrils at the memory overwhelming him with an endless sorrow that would never completely go away. He closed his eyes willing himself to do it, and a small part of him hoped that it would not be her. Maybe it was all some sick mistake. The sheet was pushed down with a jerking force.

The whole world seemed to crumble around him as he staggered backwards a few steps. He had to grab onto the first thing in sight - an examining table, to steady himself before he collapsed with the nauseating feeling of the reality of it all. Greedily, he gulped for air, as if his lungs had closed off completely. Every fiber of his being was shaken, and nothing made sense to him anymore. Even with his superior intelligence, he could not fathom how things had ended this way.

"Sit down. I know it's a lot to take in, losing both your parents in one night, I mean."

He dumbly nodded in thanks for the chair as he fell into the seat. "My mother is dead," he spoke up in no more than a whisper.

The examiner nodded his head while threading his hands through his black hair speckled by a few lines of grey here and there. "I'm sorry for your loss," he said with a hint of sincere regret. "Is there anyone I can call to take you home? We have everything we need for now. Perhaps you should make some calls to any relatives to sort out the arrangements for the deceased."

A snorting laughter erupted from his lips, at the pure irony of the situation he was in. "There's no one."

It was true as he thought of all the times he had never questioned why his family was so secluded. Any time he had brought up the topic of a relative or outside family, his mother abruptly became quiet. His father had lost both his parents by the time he was all but twenty years of age. He was already cursed on his side as the black sheep, casting away any ties to any others of the Hanazawa line. His grandmother died giving birth to his mother, and his grandfather had died only two years after his own birth. She also came from a small limited sized family. There were a few scattered Christmas cards here and there over the years from second cousins or other distantly related kin, but he had always accepted his mother's reply of only needing each other for family.

His laughter had made the poor examiner feel rather uncomfortable. "Well, is there a neighbor or friend of the family I can call?"

Oddly enough, the only people he could think off the top of his head were the next door neighbors. Although he wasn't exactly very close to the Toudous after Shizuka's vanishing act, they were always good neighbors.

"There are some people you can call," he flatly stated. "My next door neighbors should be willing to come pick me up." He picked up the pen and paper that was handed to him and scribbled down the number.

Taking his pen back, the examiner sighed to himself, wondering why he had gotten into the business in the first place. It was a messy job with very moments of relief and joy when the bodies to be identified were not the loved ones, but about ninety five percent of the time, he had witnessed the same thing over and over again. It was would always be someone's mother, father, sister, brother, wife, husband, or whoever under that sheet. With one last glance at the boy with his face cupped in his hands, he sighed once more, wishing that things didn't have to be that way. To lose both parents in one night was a shame.

When he closed the door behind him, he stopped to look dead into the eyes of the solemn police detective staring off into the distance, trying to get look through the window.

"So, what did you find?" he gruffly asked. His hands remained stuffed in his pockets, while the shiny badge glimmered under the fluorescent light, highlighting his ranking in the police force.

"It was a positive ID."

The detective inwardly groaned, wishing that it wouldn't be true for both bodies. "I should get started on the report then. It's going to be a long night. I'll need your analysis of the bodies ASAP. We need to get this through as quickly as possible to spare the kid. We're lucky if this doesn't make it into the fucking papers."

"Who are they anyway?" the examiner asked in mild interest.

Lowering his voice, the officer leaned in to whisper into his ear. "She was Hanazawa Rumiko. She was a pretty famous violinist, I hear. It was a shame she had to die now. They say she could have been something really big. We are still trying to figure out why she was in that hotel room with him when she was supposed to be on the plane with the rest of the symphony orchestra to Kyoto. She entered the hotel at about six this evening. The police were called after the first shot, but we didn't make it in time to stop him. He was so distraught after shooting his wife that he shot himself a few moments later. A homicide and suicide wrapped up in one pretty little package."

"The world is pretty fucked up nowadays."

"If it wasn't, why else would they need people like us?"

-----------------------------------------

The services were held with little elaborate fanfare to say their farewells. It was a modest number, considering how it was some sort of unspoken given that Rui would want a closed service for only close acquaintances of his parents, or more specifically, his mother. Rui had to give credit to Toudou-san for her efforts to make the funeral service as elegant and modest as possible.

After picking him up from the mortuary, his neighbors had offered him a place of refuge in their own home to escape the painful reminders of the empty house he once called home next door. They shooed the reporters away, made the appropriate calls to people to get the ball rolling on the funeral arrangements, and even went as far as to look through his mother's address book to notify any living relatives of their passing. During all this time, Rui remained silently lost in his own consuming depression. He still ate, slept, and went through the motions of daily life, but there was always that gaping hole in his soul that screamed for some relief. While the Toudou family was considerate enough to not pressure him about his late night disappearances or his uncompromising silence when asked on anything to do with the funeral, he still ached even more for his own shame of not being a proper son tending to his parents' last rites. He had only been helpful enough to know that his mother's favorite flower was calla lilies and that they should be used in the floral arrangements.

Even as he looked at the two wooden boxes being lowered into the earth, he could not shed one tear. His body had given up trying to accept any kind of emotion, choosing to be devoid of any such thing. The weight fell heavily on his shoulders, knowing that he was truly alone in the world now; and that even in his father's last moments, his love was questionable.

"I've spoken to Toudou-san," voice stated behind Rui. A hand fell upon his shoulder, and he turned to meet he sympathetic gaze of Alexander Sauniere.

Rui acknowledged his presence with a simple nod of his head.

Knowing that there would be much to explain, he went forward, wanting to reveal all before they left the freshly dug graves. The rest of the mourners had moved on to the small wake being held, but the moment to be alone with the deceased felt like the best time to say everything that needed to be said. "You can stay with them if you like. They've offered to take you in." He paused for a second carefully, weighing whether or not he should propose the second option. "Or you could come with me. An old bachelor like myself could use the company of some young blood. Paris could be a new start for you. You don't need to decide now, but you should think about it. Perhaps it's best if you finish up the rest of the semester here before you decide where you want to take that next step."

The idea of returning to school to the looks of pity on the faces of his classmates was the farthest thing from his mind. However, he knew his mother would have wanted him to finish up the year and proceed to the next level. If he was to do so, then he would probably take a leave of absence until the final exams came up and coast through those.

"I know you have questions," Sauniere spoke aloud as if he were talking to himself. "You can ask them if you want. You are old enough to be treated like a man. I will tell you the truth."

Rui looked up at him with clouded eyes, fighting back the sadistic urges in him to learn everything at once. "You were on the phone that day with my mother," he flatly stated. He recalled those few seconds while he packed up some clothes to take next door, when he accidentally knocked the phone off the desk. The call log on the menu was accidentally pushed when he fumbled to put the receiver back. Clear as day next to a number, was Alexander Sauniere's name as the last call dialed. "Am I your son?"

Sauniere turned his head up to look into the crystalline sky studying the clouds floating by. "I should have expected that question," he laughed to himself. "Did your mother ever tell you how we knew each other?"

"You grew up together since okaa-san was your father's protégé."

"There's a bit more to that story. Rumi came to live with my father and I when she was about fifteen. Her father allowed her to live with us since she showed such great promise in the violin. At the time, her father was always traveling on business, so he thought it might be better for her to go home to a place that would not be occupied only by a nanny. I mean, your grandfather loved her dearly enough to let her have her heart's desire, the violin. I was all but seventeen when I laid my eyes on her for the first time. I fell in love with her before my father even told her my name. She had no clue how long I held that secret. It's hard to believe that at seventeen I would be so naïve and stupid to not say anything. To love someone silently is probably the slowest death."

"I know what you mean," Rui muttered to himself,

He ignored the last comment and continued. "My father and I never saw eye to eye on a lot of things. You could say it's innate that fathers and sons are meant to disagree. I chose to play the piano instead of the violin just to spite him, although I did come to love it. Rumi was his chance to pass on his knowledge and she became a daughter for him. We both loved her dearly those seven years she lived with us. But people grow and change, and in that short time, Rumi matured into a beautiful woman. By then I was madly in love with her and had finally convinced her to partake in a few dates with me. I think with a little more time she would have come to love me a bit more than a friend. I was young and foolish, though. I never thought that by introducing my girlfriend to my friend, it would end so terribly. You're father always did have a way with the girls."

"Wait! You were friends with my father before he met my mother?"

"Yes," he nodded. "I met your father while I was in university. "He had studied in Paris for a brief time in a foreign exchange program. It just so happened that after we graduated, he decided to take brief vacation in Europe before he started on his new job. From the moment I saw Taro take Rumi's hand, and noticed that blush stain her cheeks like I had never accomplished, I knew I had lost. It was all so sudden, the way things happened. Taro stayed a few weeks longer than he planned. Before I knew it, my friend had stolen my girlfriend and made her his fiancée."

"Didn't that piss you off?"

"It did at first, but then Rumi told me something that made me realize that I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to."

"What was it?"

"The night before he left for Japan, he said something to her that made her realize that she would give up everything for the man. Years later, Rumi would always quote the very words that made her give it all up. 'If you stay here, you'll have everything you've ever wanted. If you come with me, you'll have everything you didn't know you wanted.'"

"Her own death?" Rui sneered.

Sauniere breathed a heavy sigh of dread, to be the one to give the news that would end the boy's resentment of his father, yet bury any hopes for happiness for him. "They never told you the truth, did they?"

"What truth?"

"Your father was never very well. To answer your first question, it will require a lot of explaining."

"I have nowhere to go. Neither do you."

"You are so much like Taro it's undeniable that you are his son."

Rui backed up, affronted by the claim. "I always thought I was more like my mother."

"Yes, you have the musical talent of Rumiko and even more of her looks, but inside and out, you are Taro personified. You're father was a genius, did you know that? Your mother wasn't so surprised when you tested so highly during the schooling process. Your father was tested at an IQ of 160. He was more than delighted when he learnt you outdid him at 166. But with Taro's genius, he was cursed all the same with madness. In a way, your father didn't murder your mother. There is always a part in each of us that believes on in the worst, the part that denies the truth to see only what our worst fears are. To put it simply, you are your father's son in every single possible way. It was Taro's own insecurities that made him believe that there was the chance I could be your father, even though it was virtually impossible."

"That's just great to know. My father was a paranoid bastard that thought my mother was sleeping around on him."

"That pretty much sums it up, but you know deep down that your father was not that man."

Rui stood silently, studying his polished, black dress shoes. Although his heart lay in the pit of his stomach, he knew that it was undeniable how much his father loved his mother.

The last few months had proven that. Upon his promise, he really did try to be a better father and a better husband. That was what made the blow of the outcome more painful. To be betrayed by someone who vowed to earn your trust and even managed it, was like a knife twisting through his heart. He wanted to hate the man, even spit on his grave, but his conscious overruled.

"Your silence is enough to encourage me to believe you don't believe things are what they appear to be. With every perfect image, there are fine cracks that we choose to ignore. That was exactly what Rumi chose to do. She loved him enough to accept Taro for what he was and could be."

"You were there when it happened weren't you?"

"Yes," he stiffly replied. "I saw him shoot her and then shoot himself. I couldn't have stopped him and neither could she, like all those other times. Your father always worried that one day she would not be enough to contain him. It hurts me more so to be the one to tell you that you will probably suffer from the very same madness."

"I don't understand," Rui looked up pleadingly to try to find some answers. However, dread loomed behind his desire for the truth. "What does this have to do with me?"

"There's no light way to put it. Your father was on a series of medications to control his moods. For years, he had struggled with his disease, but he was always good about sticking to the strict regime of medications. Your father suffered from a bipolar disorder. Something most likely you or your children might suffer from one day."

"Was that the reason why he hated me so much?"

"He never hated you, but he hated himself. You were never the easiest child to understand. It scared him witless that you could one day suffer that loss of control. With every fight you got into, with every day you retreated into yourself, and for every day you breathed, he worried for you and hated himself for being the cause of your pain. When your father shot your mother, it was not the man who was your father or her husband. He was another person. The reason your mother asked me for the favor to get her back into performing was because they were going downhill. Your father was a genius, but he fell into a stroke of bad luck with a few investments going sour. Even those who pride themselves of greater intellect cannot control or foresee the actions of others ruining everything. The great must fall sometimes, and your father fell hard. He blamed it on the drugs. There were times he confessed to being able to think more clearly when he was off them. It was his saving grace and poison all in one."

"Did he really need to be on all those trips?"

He shook his head. "He would go off his meds for a few weeks, start taking them again before he visited home, and go off them as soon as he left again. It was a vicious cycle filled with steep rises and falls in his behavior. Through it all, he only cared about one thing: you and Rumi had to be taken care of."

"They should have told me," he shouted in a rare outburst. It was a bit relieving to finally let himself go and be angry. Keeping it all inside was eating away at him, and he needed to release every ounce of hate, anger, and despair. "Why didn't they tell me?! They could have fucking told me! If I knew, I would have done something. I could have stopped her from leaving. She would still be alive. He could be alive right now."

"They never wanted you to know for one reason alone. They hoped that perhaps if you never knew the dark secrets underlying your entire existence, you would come out unscathed. You lived a normal life. Your parents made sure you lived a life that every child should grow up with, a suburban paradise. At any opportunity to let you be like any other kid, they jumped at it, from keeping you in your proper grade levels to forcing you to play on the neighborhood baseball team."

"And I hated every minute of it."

"We only see what we want to see. You can't blame them for making mistakes. No one is born to be a perfect parent."

"Is that all?" He inwardly hoped that there would be no more awkward and shocking revelations for one day.

"Just one more thing." Sauniere rummaged through the pockets of his jacket, pulling out a book that looked to be tattered and torn with age. "As your godfather, I was told to give this to you if something were to ever arise. Your father and mother wanted to make sure you knew of the absolute truth. They wanted you to know that they really did everything out of love."

His fingers grasped the book, stuffing it into his jacket. His eyes would not bear the sight of their words so carefully constructed in what probably was a journal of their deeds. His resentment was still rising with the newfound information fresh in his head. "So where do I go from here?"

"That's a big decision that you alone will have to make. For now, it's a time for some real introspection. Don't use only your logic and reason to decide what to do. Go where your heart tells you to go."

--------------------------------

He never forgot those words of the man who became his surrogate father and only parent in a time of chaos. It was bittersweet to tell Alexander that he wished to remain in Japan, leaving his invitation for a place to stay in Paris open. If there was ever a time that Rui fought for the fact that he was indeed a man, that time in his life was proof enough of his maturity level in comparison to his peers. Everything was settled so methodically and with such precision that there were no loose ends to clean up in his wake.

The glitz and glamour of his parents' death faded with the next big thing that hit the news. Apparently, there was a big trend in suburban murders rocking the idea of the idyllic lifestyle. In another prefect of the city, some man had killed his wife in a murderous rage. The thing that really hit home, was the fact that while the rest of the neighborhood slept in its dormant slumber, no one even heard or bothered with the screams of the defenseless woman as she was bludgeoned over the head with a lamp. She eventually bled to death after he raped her and desecrated her body over and over again with various household objects.

But then again, that was a whole other story for another time.

So, the house was put up for sale and sold at a rather decent price. Rui found himself as the sole inheritor of a rather large sum for someone his age. His father had always been an astute businessman. However, money had no meaning to him. The rest of the year came and went past, and he found himself one year past in high school with two left to go. Living with the Toudous had taken a small bit of adjustment, but nothing was ever quite the same. They always tiptoed around each other, not wanting to offend the other. It all came down to the point where Rui thanked them for their hospitality and walked out the door much like their daughter had done a few years earlier.

History seems to have an odd way of repeating itself.

Shizuka left in pursuit of a dream. Rui left to find a dream, if any existed. So, he drifted in and out of places, making his way through every day. There were no reason nor meaning to his actions, except for some vague longing for something that he just knew would be out there. If he didn't find it, then it had to find him somehow.

And fate steps in dripping with irony.

The day started out like any other. As Rui stepped out of the small flat he rented from the less than reputable female owner of an establishment of questionable repute, he went about his normal routine. Dressed in a pair of baggy jeans and form fitting black t-shirt he had managed to rummage out of the duffel bag of clothes he kept, he strutted down the sidewalk to the local bus stop to catch the noon bus. He kept to himself most of the time, slipping into the apartment late in the middle of the night to catch a few hours of restless sleep and some food, before venturing out into the world to start all over again. It was the same routine he had built up and rather enjoyed relying on.

Stepping off the bus, he took a deep breath, looking up to see the clear blue sky above. The temperature that day was a bit higher than the last and if it were just a few degrees lower, he would have considered walking past the building to the park nearby. However, his distaste for sweltering in the heat took precedence, and he ventured into the air-conditioned climate of the public library.

"Hello," the cheerful librarian chirped as she recognized her familiar patron. "It's a bit nice, but too hot to be outside today."

He nodded his head at her assessment matching his own. Sparing a brief wave, he kept walking straight through the cavernous building blanketed in a blissful and almost unnerving silence. His mind was in a daze as he sifted through the stacks, looking for the area he had left off at last time. It was a strange system he had worked out in choosing his books. Every few days he would focus on one particular subject, reading every fifth book on the shelves until he ran out. When he came to the end, he would start with another genre. With the summer almost over, he had managed to read a good half of the library's contents due to his skill at speed reading. Ticking off the number in his head, he plucked the book off the shelf and settled himself on the ground to read for the next few hours, except something or rather someone had other things in mind.

"Hello," a hushed whisper yelled into her cell phone.

Rui's head jerked up and his scanned the perimeters of where the voce could be coming from. A frown marred his face at the girl's inconsideration for others.

"I'm in the library. I don't have time to talk right now," she hissed. "Stop lecturing me about developing some kind of strange skin condition because I spend all of my time surrounded by bad fluorescent lighting and musty books instead of frolicking in the deathly hot environment of the outdoors."

Rui sensed he would not get any reading done any time soon, so he leaned back to listen to the conversation, hoping it would end soon. It was by his own bad luck that he had chosen the spot directly opposite of hers. He could faintly make out her features between the cracks in the books and shelves between them. She was seated very much in the same position he was in on the floor, except she had a few books laying at her side in a neat pile. He sighed to himself, cursing his own cruel luck to have this girl deprive him of the few hors of peace he had before he had to head out to work.

"Yes, I'm coming. You don't need to pick me up. I'll take the bus home and meet you there before we go. For the love of god, please be a bit more discrete with your indiscretions with your fiancée before I lose what little of my own innocence and respect I have for you." There was a brief pause that ensued, which was most likely a rebuttal from the other side. "I'm doing fine," she answered exasperated. "Reading lets me relax a bit. I'm not going to go all psycho or anything. Yes, I had lunch. No, I don't think I need to list to you how many bites or what I ate for that matter to you. I feel much better nowadays. I will see you later then. Okay? Bye."

The deafening clack of her cell phone being shut off rang through the silence, followed by the rustling of clothing as she struggled to get up. Her hand reached between the shelves, placing the books back in their proper places. It was her miscalculation that she pushed one in a bit too far and it fell with a thud on the other side. Muffled curses could be heard.

"Sorry, but do you think you can put that book back in. I'm in a rush to put away the rest of my books."

"Fine," Rui grudgingly answered. He got onto his hands and knees to crawl over to the place where the book had fallen. As he placed it back into its slot, her fingers brushed against another warm hand.

"Thanks a lot," she whispered.

Dark brown eyes stared back at him, and he felt a small but resistant smile spread across his lips. From the way her eyes squinted a bit, he could sense she was smiling back at him too. "It's nothing."

"Well, happy reading then. I'm sorry you had to listen to my phone conversation. Sometimes I think my brother was put on this earth to scar me for life. Thanks again. Bye!"

Like that, the pair of eyes vanished. He fell back onto his bottom, trying to figure out exactly what had happened. It had been a long time since he had truly smiled, but something about that girl amused him. His eyes fell upon a gangly looking girl, who looked so frail and small she might have blown away with the wind, running past the aisle with her messenger bag bouncing off her hip with each step. Twin braids trailed down her back, ending somewhere near the middle of her back. When he heard a muffled goodbye to the librarian, he picked up his book again and began to read again, deciding to not dwell on what happened.

-----------------------------

From that afternoon alone, he should have sensed something was going to happen that night. It was as if everything was supposed to build up to that night, where everything would change. He brushed aside the now becoming more frequent requests from Ken, the owner of the piano bar, to meet with some people about more work. However, he was happy with the way things were, and turned the offers down repeatedly. He half cared when Ken mentioned someone very important wanting to meet him at table seven.

When he sat under the dim lights of the bar, he zoned out from the rest of the world. All that existed was the ivory keys gleaming up at him and himself. His fingers brushed over them so delicately, creating simple melodies that wrote themselves in his head, pouring out through his fingers. His list of songs were never the same, and even when he tried to reproduce a song requested by a customer who had heard it the night before, there was always a stark difference. Little changes in tempo and key here and there until it became a new beloved song. Much like his character, his music was unpredictable and one of a kind. That night went rather smoothly, without anything out of place occurring, but somewhere in the pit of his stomach he knew that tonight would change his life.

As he started to wrap up the last few bars of the piece he was playing, he uncharacteristically lifted his head to look out into the audience. It was somewhere in the middle of the room that he stared at the face that had haunted him in his dreams lately.

Your past always has an odd way of sneaking up on you.

"Shizuka," he breathed out. His heart began to beat faster and faster at the mere knowledge of her close proximity, but he continued to play at adagio with reigned emotions. When the song ended, he quickly excused himself, collecting his tips for the night before practically jumping off the stage. He swerved between the tables with all of his intent set solely on the woman at the table a few feet away. He never even noticed the other people sitting with her.

She was all that mattered.

A smile tugged at his lips as he stopped in front of her. She looked up with a brief look of shock splashed across her face. Shizuka jumped up from her chair and wrapped her arms around him, enveloping him.

He could smell the faint trace of her perfume permeating through her hair. Everything about her made him want to lose himself in her. His grip tightened around her waist, in fear that she might disappear, and then he heard the word that made all of his walls crumble down to nothingness.

"Rui."

And with that, the forgotten flame sparked to life once more.


	6. Thomas: Chapter 6

Everything seemed to be happening so fast. It was a few months ago that they had discussed making the trip back. Thoughts were filled with the intentions of late night trips to the Shake Shack and racing cars through the back roads. They would have had a great time visiting the family and checking out their old haunts of better times. He was as excited as him. It had been too long, much more time than he had thought it would be. Running off half way around the world would do that to you. The homesickness went away, but a part of him was always there.

Right now his heart was torn. He didn't really think it was a good idea to go. In a way, it was out of obligation he was flying home. The mood to celebrate was miniscule compared to the overwhelming grief that threatened to consume them both. They were falling down the spiraling chasm of grief that threatened to steal the air from their lungs drowning them in despair, but managing to hang on by the frayed, thin thread of sanity. Today was another day they were to walk the earth and they damn well were going to live it. Duty called and he was the prodigal son returning home.

Thomas leaned back in his cramped coach seat and closed his eyes. He readjusted his earphones making sure to block out the incessant whir of the plane engines and central air system. The plane would be landing in a few hours, and yet he had not gotten one second of sleep. His heart was heavy, and his mind begged for some rest from the emotional overload that he was trying to process.

Yanking his earphones off, he fidgeted in his seat. His hand reached out for the one resting on the armrest between them. He managed to offer a weak smile. "We'll be there soon."

"Yeah, I know."

"You've been sitting like that for a long time. Do you want me to hold her for a bit?"

She shook her head, and her hand went to smooth down the frazzled tufts of hair on the sleeping child's head. "I'm fine." Turning her head back towards the window, she continued to stare blankly out the window watching the rising sun through the crack of window.

At the time it seemed like a good idea to take her away for a bit. He was still reeling from the shock of what had to be the biggest betrayal ever seen. What was even more mind-boggling was the way that Tsukushi took it all in stride as if it were no big deal. When it came down to it, she honestly admitted to knowing about the affair for quite some time.

Raw emotions fueled stupid actions and careless words to be said. He had taken the news any better himself, but it was a lot better than how Akira handled it. Thomas wondered to himself if they managed to clean up all that blood. They all dealt with things differently. The first immediate thought was about whose side to take. Nothing had ever split the group like this. After all the shit they had been through, this was the mother of all fuck offs.

"So, you didn't tell me why you late for the flight. I almost thought we would miss the plane. It was a good thing I decided to drive over to pick you up." Tsukushi eyes warily studied his face. It was the look that spoke volumes that she suspected something of him. "Why were you late?"

"I guess, I forgot to set my alarm," he lied. "I had a lot of loose ends I had to take care of."

"I assume this loose end has a name."

"You know I don't kiss and tell."

"I will find out sooner or later," she smirked.

"I don't want to talk about it," he warned. "We're going to land soon. Try to get some sleep." Thomas turned away from her and pulled his earphones back on.

God, I wish you were here, Susumu.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, Dad," he yawned. His entire appearance was rumpled and tired looking. After spending the last eighteen hours transferring from one stop over to the other, he was happy to make a mad dash off the plane. Shrugging his duffel bag to the ground, he reached forward and briefly hugged the man before him.

"Tom," his father gruffly replied.

Years had really come and gone for his father. The first thing he noticed was the way, his father's demeanor seemed to be much more lax than he remembered. The strait laced Navy captain was no more. Never would he imagine him as the type to walk around on a Sunday afternoon in jeans and a beat up flannel shirt. His baseball cap shielded most of his face hiding whatever expression was under there. What was most shocking was the five o'clock shadow bordering on beard stretching across his lower face.

"Where's Mom?"

"She was too busy helping your sister with another one of her life shattering crises," he slightly chuckled.

"I can remember a few of those when she was in high school," Thomas laughed back. "For some odd reason they always ended with me wearing lipstick."

"This is one of those times that regret working all the time. I would never have let your sister emasculate you and your brother," he happily played along.

Thomas was pushed back a bit by the easiness conversation. The last time they had spoken in person was a bit more angry and awkward. Then again, it seemed unlikely they would ever have the same rapport with the spiteful words exchange at their last meeting. Forced phone conversation instigated by his mother only led to brief salutations and other small pleasantries. His words had cut deep into him, and coming from a man whose respect was all he had ever strived for was the breaking point.

"Well, at least I know my skin tone completely clashes with berry splash,'" he chuckled. He stepped aside and motioned for Tsukushi to come forward.

During the brief exchange between father and son, she had opted to stay on the sidelines to observe. Clutching the sleeping child in her arms, she weakly smiled unsure of how to address the Thomas' father. All she knew of him were the few anecdotes he and her brother had mentioned over the years.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. McKay." She hugged Kaya tightly to her chest bowing slightly as was the custom of her homeland.

He bowed back at her feeling oddly reminiscent of his years in Japan. "No need for formalities. You can just call me Eddie. I won't have any of this Mr. McKay business." A small smile spread over his lips as he studied the toddler clinging to her mother. "And this must be little Kaya."

Kaya's large brown eyes studied the man in silent contemplation. She shook her head vigorously before shyly burying her face into her mother's shoulder.

"Sorry about that. She's still a bit disoriented from the plan trip. It was her first time and all."

"I understand." He nodded. "Let's just get on home. I'm sure the flight was long and you're all tired. You have all of your luggage?"

"Yeah, Dad. We packed light since we're only going be here for a little while. Tsukushi didn't have much time to pack and all." He reached for the roll along suitcase and his own duffle bag hoisting it over his shoulder with ease. "All I know is that I could use a good shower. I bet Kaya here, could use a nice warm bed to sleep in, too. Isn't that right, sweetheart?"

The familiar face and voice roused Kaya from her but of shyness. She reacted instantly to him reaching out her chubby arms for him to hold her. "Tom," she whined. Her fists clenched and unclenched while she struggled in her mother's arms to be released.

Tsukushi apologetically shrugged her shoulders, and took her suitcase from Thomas' hand. "I think it would be better if you took her before she throws a fit."

Thomas willingly obliged scooping the girl up with one arm with practiced ease. "She's never any trouble. We should get a move on to beat the morning traffic, though." He began to walk away whispering little things to Kaya making her giggle as they walked out of the nearly empty airport.

Tsukushi fell back a few steps taking in the fact that she was one American soil. Oddly enough it was her first trip out of the country. Taking in a deep breath of fresh air when they walked out of the sliding doors, she exhaled in contentment of not having to breathe in any more recycled airplane air.

Eddie swiftly took the handle of her suitcase away form her pulling it behind him. "Let me take that."

"Thank you," she automatically replied. She averted her eyes away from him not wanting you see that all too familiar look that everyone had been giving her lately. Pity was something she didn't want anymore of, but lately that was all she was getting.

Thomas took a quick glance over his shoulder noticing Tsukushi's discomfort. He frowned to himself wondering if his father had decided to shove his foot into his mouth. "Yo, old man, get the lead out! We ain't got all day!" he yelled in Japanese.

"What did you just call me!" his father roared. "Apparently you're not too old for me to beat some sense into you."

He smirked and held out Kaya in front of him as a shield. "Not when I have her."

"Don't use my daughter as a human shield," Tsukushi laughed. Her laughter surrounded them as she watched his father try to get a good swat with Thomas swinging Kaya in the air as a shield to her own delight.

Kaya squirmed as her legs were swung every which way. She screamed in sheer delight at being manhandled like a rag doll. "Down, Tom!" she commanded. When her feet touched the ground, she wobbled a bit, but latched herself onto the older man's leg.

Ed raised an eyebrow wondering what the meaning of her actions were, but soon caught on when Thomas jumped onto his back. In his own confusion, he had missed his son sneaking up from behind him in an ambush attack.

"Take him down, Kaya!"

Nonplussed, by the weight, Eddie shrugged and continued walking out the airport with his son riding his back and a little Japanese girl hugging his leg.

------------------------------------------

"Wow," Tsukushi breathed. She looked up at the long stretch of the circular driveway weaving its way up to the front entrance of the house. "You did no justice when you told me about this place.'

Thomas smiled to himself knowing full well that his vague description of the property was nowhere near to seeing it in front of you. A sense of peace washed over him to be in a place he could truly call home from his childhood. Of all the places he had gone and seen nothing compared to his grandparents' home in Virginia where he spent many summers of his youth. He dug his hands into the pockets of his jeans kicked at the gravel driveway they were walking up. "I know."

Tsukushi sighed to herself studying the slow setting of the sun in the horizon over the tops of the trees in the woods to her right. The clatter of people running around somewhere in the far distance was clearly heard over the chirping of crickets. She squinted her eyes to make out the wedding planner's workers setting up the chairs in the back of the house where the wedding ceremony would take place. A small pang wrenched through her heart at all the joy and celebration going around her own clouded heart. "I never thought this wedding would be on such a grand scale," she absently noted.

"Anything that involves my mother, Caroline, and frou-frou girly junk leads to an occasion of gigantic proportions. Just remember for the next few days to stay away from the rampaging herd of beastly pink covered harpies before you get sucked into their web of floral arrangements and seating charts."

"They were pretty nice girls, your sister's bridesmaids. I think her maid of honor even had a little thing for you. You did manage to distract the girl enough to make her walk into that wall. I don't believe her excuse about carrying so all those dresses and not seeing where she was going. She was obviously distracted by someone."

He puffed up his chest in pride. "Well, that'll teach her for turning me down for a date when I was fifteen. She must be kicking herself for turning this down."

"I take back my previous comment. Maybe she was just distracted by your big head," Tsukushi giggled. She barely dodged Thomas as he lunged at her for what was most likely payback.

Instead of punishing her for her comment, he threw both arms around her pulling her back into his front. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he sighed. "Being here makes me miss home more."

"This is your home."

"Not anymore," he sighed.

Tsukushi tilted her head back to try to read the expression on his face. However, she couldn't figure out exactly what was going through his mind. Although he was boisterous and happy in front of his family, his enthusiasm heavily veiled the emptiness it covered. Sometimes she shook off the strangeness to the mourning of her brother, but something more was there. She never asked. Once she had tried to ask her brother why Thomas was even with him. It was obvious he didn't really need them. He had the potential for true greatness, yet he spent his time in a dank club spinning mixes and playing the occasional cover on his guitar. She saw his self-induced waste.

Instinctively she turned her head to the right. Her eyes met with the intense glare of another woman across the lawn. At first Tsukushi shrugged off the bad vibe being sent her way as her own paranoia as a stranger to the family. But when her gaze never wavered, she shuddered at the blatant disdain being directed at her.

Thomas felt her tremors and rubbed his hands up and down her bare arms thinking she was cold from the small chill left from the end of rain that morning. "Are you cold? Maybe we should go inside."

She shook her head and continued to glance back at the dark haired woman. In her own observations, she was rather beautiful, with her exotic dark features. Glossy black hair hung down her back over her bare tan shoulders. Under different circumstances, Tsukushi would have found her general appearance to be quite friendly if not for the gross scowl on her face. She assumed the woman must have some kind of money based on her attire. Everything about her finely styled hair to the flawless manicure screamed she was a lady of class. Her expression only softened when a little chubby boy with the same matching raven hair stumbled to her legs grabbing on to her with ferocity and pleading to be picked up. She smiled down at the little boy and whispered something to him earning an energetic nod of his head. Picking him up, she walked away, but not without one last glance at Tsukushi.

"Who was that woman?" Tsukushi asked.

"What woman?"

"The one to our right. She just walked off with that little boy."

Thomas turned to see who Tsukushi was speaking of thinking it would probably be one of his many relatives staying at the house before the wedding the next day. The smile on his lips fell at the woman. "I didn't think she would show up," he muttered to himself. He quickly released his arm from Tsukushi and walked a few steps forward to get a better look at the woman's back.

She turned around quickly to take another hurried glance at them, but this time she was caught. Her eyes locked with his paralyzing her. The anger was replaced with a degree of unexplainable fear shifting to an apologetic sadness.

Tsukushi stepped forward placing her hand on Thomas' shoulder to get his attention. "She was giving us the oddest look." She decided it would be a wiser decision to not mention the odd look was more of a murderous glare.

"Stay away from her. Whatever you do just stay the hell away from her," he commanded.

"But why?"

"Just do as I say, okay!" he grit out between clenched teeth. His finger ran through his hair in a nervous manner as he began pacing. "I'm sorry. If anyone asks where I went just say I'll be back in time for the rehearsal dinner. I can't deal with this shit."

Her hand shot out to grab him, but he was faster than her. Feeling her hand wrap around air, she watched him stalk off around the house. A few minutes later, the sound of a car speedily pulling out of the driveway was left in his wake signaling he had run off.

She dumbly stood there wondering what the hell had happened, but thought better than to try to figure out what had happened. A few of the workers setting up the chairs and decorations for the ceremony tomorrow stopped to stare at her wondering what had happened between the rather peaceful looking couple. Shaking her head, she turned around and walked back into the house thinking it might be a better idea to go upstairs and crawl into bed to join her in a nap.

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Hours later, Tsukushi woke up to an empty bed. In her own disorientation, she panicked at the barren area where her daughter once resided. Shooting up from the bed, she scanned the room for any signs of her being.

"Looks like Mommy is awake," a feminine voice announced.

Kaya sat in a woman's lap on the couch. She didn't seem to really care about her mother's awakening, but continued to flip the pages of a book the woman was holding out for her. She excitedly pointed at something squealing, "Tom!"

The woman in turn looked down at what the little girl was pointing at and agreed with her. Her dirty blonde hair was pulled back into a French braid. Wearing a pair of tan capris and a pale lavender blouse, she lazily reclined back on the couch. Her striking blue eyes lit up in amusement at the photograph. "I almost forgot about this picture of Tommy."

"Mrs. McKay?"

"What did I tell you about calling me that," the older woman sternly reprimanded. "In this house we're all family."

Tsukushi groggily rubbed her eyes and sheepishly bowed her head. "Sorry, I meant Liz."

She smiled at getting her way. "Now that's more like it. Why don't you freshen up a bit and then join Kaya and me for some more pictures."

At the mention of pictures, Kaya enthusiastically began pounding her hands on the book repeating, "Pictures, Mama!"

Tsukushi nodded her head and slipped out of the bed. Her feet hit the cold wooden floorboard sending shivers up and down her body. Patting her daughter softly on the head, she walked by the two to use the bathroom outside the room. Upon her return, she noticed Kaya had already curled up into a tiny ball and was fast asleep like a cat sitting in Liz's lap. The woman quietly sat there stroking her hand along the little girl's back in a soothing motion.

"Oh, it must not be very comfortable sitting there like that. She's quite heavy. How about I move her to the bed?"

"No, I'm fine. It's nice to have little ones around the house again. It seems like forever since I held Caroline, Tom, or Jacob like this. She's fine." She looked up at Tsukushi with tired eyes and smiled softly. Small fine creases appeared around her mouth and near her eyes revealing her age. "Sit," she ordered patting the space beside her.

Tsukushi did as she told sitting rigidly beside the woman she barely knew. It was rather uncomfortable being in the house where everyone knew of her situation, yet treated her as if they had known her forever. The looks of sympathy were few, but there nonetheless. "Your house is really beautiful,' she blurted out to clear the awkward silence.

Liz leaned back into the cushions of the couch and sighed to herself in contentment. "This house has been in my family for almost a century now. One of my ancestors built it with his own two hands. Its been remodeled a few times over the years, but the layout of everything has remained virtually the same. It's seen more than a few in my family being born, married, or die. My entire family history is in this house." She wistfully ran her fingers through Kaya's hair. "But that's not a very interesting topic to discuss. I would much prefer to talk about my son."

"Thomas?"

"Tell me, dear. Is my son happy?"

She didn't know how to respond to such a question. Happiness. It was such a vague emotion to her as of late. She almost forgot what it meant to be in such a state. Thinking very hard, she wondered what kind of answer was required in such a situation.

"You don't need to answer that. It was a stupid question asked by a silly old woman."

There was that trace of worry in her voice that sent the alarms on in Tsukushi's head. Something just wasn't right. It wasn't normal for someone to be worried about Thomas. He was the kind of guy that you didn't need to worry about, the reliable one of the bunch. His carefree smiles and detached attitude made it difficult to ever consider him being any other way. But then again, she had witnessed that little scene earlier. Coupled with his strange behavior since their arrival, she had to wonder what secrets he was hiding. Questions arose to whether all that time she had known him in Japan was a façade, a carefully constructed wall of lies he erected around himself.

"Did Thomas return yet?" she asked trying not to let any of her worry escape in her tone.

"He did about two hours ago. The boy stormed into the house in a huff and locked himself in his room. No one's heard from him since. Care to share why he's been in such a foul mood? It's no use trying to hide it from me. A mother knows these things."

Sheepishly, she lifted her head to look the woman in the eyes. Piercing blue eyes much like Thomas' reflected back at her. The brief consideration of lying did cross her mind. She was not one to tattle on someone else's affairs. But something inside her told her to speak up for her own curiosity was also piqued. "I really don't know. Thomas and I were outside talking one moment. The next thing I know there is this woman glaring at me with her son. I asked Thomas if she knew her and he took off mad as hell."

"Oh," she mouthed. "Well, that does explain a lot. I was afraid he wouldn't take well to this."

"If you don't mind me asking, who is she?"

She hesitated to answer. An inner struggle was apparent from her eyes as she debated on whether or not to say anything. "She was something to Tom."

Tsukushi agreed to let the subject drop. It was not right for her to try to pry information out of the woman. If Thomas refused to answer her inquiry of the woman before, then there must have been a good reason. "He doesn't say much about himself to begin with. He's always been reserved about speaking of his life here. Susumu would always be the one to bring up stories from the 'good old days' as he liked to call them."

Liz clasped a hand over her mouth giggling like a young schoolgirl. "You're brother was quite the character. He was a real piece of work."

"Quite a few people would agree with you on that." Tsukushi felt a faint smile cross her lips. "Susumu would always force Thomas to rehash all of their old stories from their college days."

"It was a pity they only barely got through one year of school. But I always told Tom to follow his heart." She glanced at the setting sun and heaved a deep sigh. Gently she maneuvered Kaya off of her lap and left her leaning against a pillow on the couch. "I should get going. Caroline must be going crazy with all the caterers for the rehearsal dinner. You should start getting ready for yourself. It'll be quite the party."

She pattered out of the room closing the door behind her with barely a sound. Not much had been said, but an air of uneasiness had been created. Something was troubling her, but Tsukushi didn't know what exactly. However, something told her that there might be more to Thomas than she ever imagined. She never really asked herself why he was the way he was or even questioned the life he led. It all seemed so natural.

Rummaging through her suitcases, Tsukushi pulled out a simple cocktail dress that Yuuki had helped her pick out before they left Japan. She momentarily checked on her slumbering daughter estimating she had a good hour or two before she would wake up. With that thought on her mind, she strode towards the bathroom to prepare for the night's festivities.

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He heard her footsteps as she stopped and walked past his door. The slight pang in his heart did little to quell the raging anger in pulsing through his entire being. One would think that years later he would have gotten over the fact of what had happened, but not even time could change the way he felt.

Anger does take away the pain.

For a little while…

Thomas trudged over to the window and stared down at the wide expanse of land below him. The sun had long set and the bright illumination of twinkling lights lit up the property. It must have been his sister's idea to have every spare inch of the reception perimeter covered in strung lights. He tried his best to be happy for his sister, but the idea of love and marriage were foreign.

Eighteen, young, and stupid, he had given his heart away thinking that they were meant to be something great. It was an idiotic thing to do, but at the time, it felt right. It felt like the real deal, the kind of love that his mother told him to wait for. The sort of thing his parents had. But in the end, it had been all one giant misunderstanding, the kind where he found out that it was more one sided than he thought it to be.

He gazed at the posters adorning his wall like wallpaper plastering every spare inch of space. A small chuckle fell from his lips as he wondered if he could remember what color the room was painted before he put them all up. Some of the posters were from his favorite bands growing up and a few from the days back when he toured with his own band. Sure, they were only the opening act for most of the shows, but being on the road was the best time of his life.

In retrospect, he shouldn't have expected anything less from the life of the musician. Passion ran rampant like the sweat pouring off your body during that adrenalin pumped performance. It was a never ending infused high whether from the drugs being passed around like gum or the lustful groupies prostrating themselves for a piece of what they deemed fame. But he was the good boy in the band, the one the other's always poked fun at for being so damn faithful. It sure as hell didn't help him in the end, though.

Rachel was the one.

That was what he had told himself when the first met her. It's rare that you meet someone and connect on some level like no other person in your life. He always expected that he would meet the women he was destined for when he was much older and perhaps more established in life. He really fell hard for the girl. She had him from the first moment she turned around in homeroom and introduced herself to the new kid. Eyes blazing a verdant green looking directly into his soul leaving her mark of possession in its wake brought all time to a standstill.

That was ages ago, when he felt his heart come alive in a rhythmic thumping that got his head spinning and his palms sweating. Rachel Young was the girl a man could lose himself in for the rest of his life. She was the one he would have given anything to have as his own.

Thomas sighed in frustration for letting these thoughts bother him. No matter how hard he tried, his heart would not let him push aside those deeply rooted emotions for her. It was his burden of a good heart kept him from cursing her very existence and wishing that he would be the one standing in front of her watching her life turn into utter shit. But he knew the truth of the matter and all he could muster up was a strange sense of longing for what could have been and the grim pity of what had become.

The raw emotions that welled up inside of him at the sight of Rachel coupled with his avoidance of his father was building up. Things were going well so far with the brief exchanges between the two. They were being civil to each other when in front of others, but the stifling awkwardness always lingered in the air. Every little comment veiled a threat behind it waiting to come out as some sort of provocation. They were just too stubborn to come out and say what was on their minds. It was bad enough when his father had thoughtlessly asked what he planned to do for the future considering how his sister was moving on in the next phase of her life. That led to some harsh stares and a slap from his mother to bring up such a topic at the dinner table. It didn't help either when Tsukushi tried to speak up on his behalf on the success he had at the club.

To his father, he was just wasting away his time playing deejay in a bordello of alcoholism and delinquency.

"Thomas?"

He shook his head clearing it of anything remotely disagreeable and focused on the voice outside his room. "Yeah, Tsukushi. You can come in. I'm almost ready."

The door slowly creaked open revealing the younger girl timidly standing in the hall. She gripped the hand of her daughter as she led her into the room. Both looked pristine in every aspect, not a single hair out of place. It was pretty obvious that Tsukushi was nervous about not being presentable in front of his family. All the reassurances that she was like family did little to lessen her level of attentive politeness.

The smile was immediately put on his face to steer her away from any signs of his own distress. It was only fair that he suffer alone. The entire point of the trip had been to force her into a change of scenery to regroup in the aftermath of the last few months.

"My dates are looking lovely as usual," he charmingly complimented her as he fixed the collar of his shirt. "I may make a few of the other guys jealous, but I'll take their flack."

Tsukushi shuffled into the room taking a seat on his bed. Her head turned slowly as she took in the bedroom from his youth. Kaya was released from her mother's hold to bolt towards him. She scrabbled at his legs clawing at him to pick her up. Without giving it a second thought, he picked her up and tossed her in the air catching her in his arms. Howls of laughter poured out of the little girl.

"Thomas! It took me an hour to get her cleaned up. Don't mess up what I've done."

He shook his head. "Kids get dirty, Tsukushi. It's the circle of life. Plus, no one will notice if she's a little wrinkly. This little girl is way to cute to notice something like her wrinkled clothes." To prove his point, he dramatically threw her onto the bed and began rolling her from side to side tickling her. "Roly, poly, big stromboli!"

"Tom!" Kaya screamed. She thrashed about he bed fighting off his nimble fingers touching her in all the right tickle spots. Finally, she rolled away from his clutched to crawl behind her mother wrapping her arms around Tsukushi's neck. "Mama! Tom being bad!"

"What!" he gasped placing a hand over his heart. "Tom is never bad, Kaya."

"Tickle Kaya," she accused. "Bad, Tom." To emphasize her point, she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Okay, okay. Tom promises not to tickle you anymore. Although I can't say the tickle monster can control himself."

"Stop teasing her," Tsukushi scolded him. She fought the smile crawling over her lips in an attempt to keep a straight face. "It's okay, baby. Mama, will keep the tickle monster away from you." She turned to face him and finally burst out laughing. "I almost forgot how I used to find you rolling her around the apartment like a ball saying 'roly, poly, big stromboli'.

"And you tried to kill me every time for doing that. Come to think about it, so did Susumu." A far away glaze cast over his eyes as memories of the past consumed him. Lately he had been having a lot of moments like this. Someone would open a door and he would half expect his best friend to be behind it. Every word spoken, every action ever done had been witnessed by these walls holding the secrets to lives that gave no though to them.

"Sometimes I wonder about you, Thomas."

His rakish grin did little to persuade her into believing that he would allow her the tiniest bit of leeway to getting her answers. In some ways, Thomas was just the master of the imperturbable smile, the exact one that Akira wore so often. The difference was that Thomas had perfected it so long ago it had been adopted in his daily life at all times until the point where it was him. That smile and him were one and the same. And right now it was bugging the hell out of her.

"Stop fussing over me. I've got better things to do than to wear down that glare you've got on me," He grabbed Kaya and walked to the door. "We've got a party to get to."

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"Why are you over here by your lonesome self? How about a dance, then"

Tsukushi looked up from her cup of punch to meet the gaze of a very persistent young man. Only two years her senior, Jacob McKay was a force to be reckoned with. There is not a single doubt in the world that every boy in that family had been born to be a heartbreaker. She secretly assumed that his persistence to stay by her side had been induced by Thomas asking for someone to look out after her. After all, Thomas already had his hands full fending off the horde of bridesmaids vying for his attention. His dance card was filled within five minutes of setting foot in the party.

Coyly she looked up under heavy lidded lashes. "Why not? It seems that Kaya and Thomas have some time before they get back to me." She gladly accepted his hand and let him lead her off onto the dance floor. She giggled as he dramatically flung her out into a full twirl before pulling her into his arms.

Jacob's grin spread wider at Tsukushi's acceptance of his flirtations. "Like mother, like daughter. Kaya's a sweet lil thing. Dad might not ever give her back." He jerked his head in the direction of his father spinning Kaya a few feet away. It was questionable who was more delighted by their partner.

"She's got that effect on people."

"She's a pretty good dancer, too."

"Thank god for that." Her face scrunched up at a rather distasteful thought. "Her father has two left feet. It's a wonder how her musically inclined genius father can't carry the rhythm to dance."

"Ah, the infamous father! Dad threatened to take the next flight out to Japan when Susumu told him you were pregnant. Felt it was his duty to defend your honor."

"Everyone seems to think they have a right protect me from everything," she grimaced. It may surprise them that I have a few secrets of my own."

Jacob leaned down resting his forehead against hers. "I can see what they all see. You're the kind of girl guys like me wished were waiting at home for them," he sighed. He wistfully smiled at her thinking of how he was to report back to the base as soon as the wedding was over. His life held little time except for basic training at the naval academy.

"Still hurting over the fact that your girlfriend broke up with you, huh?"

"News travels fast around here." He chuckled at how anything in his life was never kept a secret from the rest of the family. "Sarah and I dated for three years. She said she couldn't see herself with me living the life I lead. I can't hate her for telling me the truth. We were good to have lasted so long." His eyes darted to the corner at the gaggle of women suspiciously eyeing him and his brother on the dance floor.

"It hasn't been any easier on Tom with all of Caroline's friends fawning over him and avoiding Rachel," he muttered. "Didn't think she would have the guts to show her face around here after what went down. Even had the gall to bring the kid with her."

Her delicate eyebrow rose at his comment. "Who's Rachel?"

The look of disgust on his face mirrored that of Thomas' attitude toward the woman she had seen earlier. "She is Dave's wife. Dave is our cousin on my Mom's side." His foot tripped up in mid step of the dance as he fumbled to find the correct words. "Let's just say that he isn't exactly our favorite cousin."

Something was certainly not right. She was sure of it. It was clear that no one I the family appeared to like this Dave or his wife. But the reason was still unknown to her. A gut feeling told her there was more to it with the way that woman had looked at Thomas earlier. She couldn't shake that feeling.

"Hey, it's a party. We should be enjoying ourselves," he offered. He picked up the pace as the tempo of the next song increased. Winking at her, he signaled her to follow his lead.

She was barely there on that dance floor as she thought back to everything that had transpired before they came here. Thomas almost backed out at the last minute citing the fact that he couldn't leave her behind in the state she was in. Considering her past track record, she couldn't blame him. But she wasn't as heart broken as she was before. Tsukushi hated the way they all treated her, some helpless child that could barely exist without the world carrying her through it. Each and every one of those men that were considered brothers by Susumu saw to it as their personal missions that she continue as if he was still by her side. Junpei and Thomas were at the forefront. They had argued long into the night when Thomas suggested taking her to America with him. She had to agree that being away from the rest of them had lessened the strain and aggravation that usually developed with the way they all walked on eggshells around her.

She wasn't a fucking basket case like they thought she was.

And that was what brought her back to her initial conclusion that even though they had all gone through so much together, said they would lay their lives down for each other on more than one occasion, none of that meant anything because they were no more than strangers to each other. She had the luxury of being granted access to their sordid pasts, a fact she at times wished she did not have. To be the holder of the secrets of others can be a heavier burden than being the one with the secret.

Tsukushi realized at that moment that not once had she ever questioned what Thomas' deal was. Everyone else had a reason for being at Last Resort, and in retrospect, a guy like Thomas really didn't need to be there. Perhaps he was more broken that any of them every considered. People didn't stay with them for the fun of it. They stayed to get away from something, their skeletons in the closet. Yet again, she found herself coming to that bleak realization that not everyone is as they seem. Thomas was probably just as fucked up as the rest of them. To run away separating an ocean and thousands of miles of land between his present and his past had to be a sign that he was running away from something bigger than anything he could handle.

"Care to switch partners?"

She turned to see Thomas and Caroline dancing up beside them. Thomas suggestively waggled his eyebrows displaying his more than normal playful behavior. "I guess," she shrugged.

At that response, Tsukushi found Jacob ripped from her arms and his sister put in his place. The two boys dramatically pulled the other closer and swaggered away doing a quickstep earning laughs from nearby spectators. The two seemed to be soaking up the attention with their antics.

"So, should I lead or you?" Caroline sighed.

"I'll lead," Tsukushi offered. "Those two really know how to steal the spotlight."

"Believe me, I've seen those two bozos at their worst. They're just warming up. They have a few years to make up for. Tommy and Jacob are a bad combination after a prolonged absence. The only other person I've ever seen Tommy so bad with was your brother."

"I can vouch for that one, too. Those two could be real idiots when they wanted to."

The song came to an abrupt end and they glanced over to see Thomas dip his brother low with great flourish earning cheers from the crowd. They smirked to each other bowing to their adoring audience before fleeing the scene on the dance floor with promises to return for a second show. Caroline shook her head and chose to ignore them. After all, big sisters usually had to ignore the stupidity of their younger siblings no matter what age they were. She grabbed Tsukushi's hand and tugged her off the dance floor while using her other hand to take a bottle of champagne from a passing waiter.

"Grab some glasses," she ordered.

Tsukushi spun just in time to grab two filled glasses from a tray whizzing by. Droplets of liquid fell to the ground from the overfilled glasses, but she quickened her pace to catch up with Caroline. The older girl was quite strong to drag her through the throng. When they finally reached a secluded spot by an old oak tree with its lonely swing swaying back and forth in the breeze, Caroline unceremoniously yanked her heels off her feet and popped open the bottle of champagne. For a woman who seemed so composed and put together her current image was a stark contrast from the previous.

"God, I needed to get away from that party before I snapped," she groaned. She ran her fingers though her tresses after pulling it out of the neat chignon it had been in. "Between my parents, Noah's parents, and the stress of planning this three hundred guest wedding, I'm about done for now. Tomorrow is the big day and I am not going to spend it being sucked into that vacuum of idle chit chat with people I barely know congratulating me. I love my girlfriends, but I could just use some nice girl talk that preferably doesn't involve the topics of flowers, cakes, or seating charts."

Tsukushi stifled a laugh. There was something oddly comedic about how easily it was for her to let that calm, composed façade crumble. Now she was seeing the family resemblance. She slid into the swing and dug her heels into the ground propelling herself forward to create some momentum. Taking one of the offered champagne glasses, she took a long swig like her companion. "Thank god. I thought I was only one who was clawing on the inside to get out of there. I've had enough of the weird looks for tonight. It was even worse that Thomas wouldn't tell me why they were all looking at me."

Caroline tipped her head back to stare up at the star illuminated sky. A heavy sigh fell from her lips. In a daze she responded, "He didn't tell you about the Rachel thing, I presume."

"There's that girl again. She's been giving me the creeps. That look of accusation like I stole something from her is getting real old."

A throaty laugh echoed in the night air. "In a way, I can see why she thinks that. Kaya could remotely pass as Tommy's daughter. Although a woman scorned tends to think along the lines of the insane track." She slumped down onto the grass with her back pressed up against the trunk of the tree. "I see why Sam raved about you all the time. You seem to be everything he described you as."

"My brother had the tendency to exaggerate." She smiled to herself as the air whipped at her face. Slowly the swing picked up more speed as her legs pumped in rhythm to increase her speed.

"He was a charmer that one. I knew from the second I first met him. Samuel Shinimori had heartbreaker written all over him from the second I laid my eyes on him."

"I haven't heard many people refer to him by his Christian name. He was adamant about using it when father sent him to America. His mother picked the name."

"It means requested of God," she murmured to herself. "It fit him."

"I was a little nervous coming here at first. All I knew was stories my brother and Thomas told me about your family. I didn't think it was a good idea for me to come, but I'm glad I did. Your family has been nothing less than welcoming."

"Your brother was family to us and so are you," she corrected. Opening her eyes she watched Tsukushi rising higher and higher off the ground. "And family helps each other when they are in need. That's the way our family works. Blood means nothing. I couldn't believe it when I go the call about what happened. I wanted to rush over on the next flight when Tommy called. He was hysterical. I could barely understand what he was trying to tell me. He probably is embarrassed for saying this to me seeing as how unmanly it is, but he really did believe a piece of his heart was broken off when Sam died." She stopped realizing her carelessness. "Sorry, I don't think I should have brought up that topic. Then again, I've never been one to believe that ignoring the truth is a healthy means to deal. Neither is dragging it out with long talks about feelings. I honestly don't think that you need another person pestering you about if you're okay or not. You're here, so I suppose you are alright and we can leave it at that."

Her head perked up and her feet dug into the ground bringing the swing to an abrupt halt. "You're the first person to realize that."

Caroline threw her head back giggling to herself. "Life is ironic in so many ways. I vaguely recall Sam giving my brother the same advice I'm giving you. At that point, Tommy was sitting around on his sorry ass wallowing in his own self pity."

Fingers played with the hem of her dress ruffling and straightening the charmeuse overlay. The dress was beautiful or that was the general consensus that had been given when she walked down the steps to meet with the rest of the family. The delicate teal sheath swathed over her body fit quite well considering her recent weight loss. "I was wondering about that. No one else seems to want to tell me about whatever it is between Thomas and that Rachel woman. What happened between them?"

She cocked her head to the side wondering if it was wise to reveal Thomas' darkest secret. It wasn't her story to tell really, but to leave the poor in the dark seemed to be a worse fate than ignorance. "Come sit over here and I'll tell you then." She patted the expanse of grass beside her and waited for the woman to take her place. Her eyes remained trained on the party up ahead. The prospect of being interrupted in the middle of the story was quite unappealing. "You don't know about his past, do you?" she bluntly asked.

Feeling stupid she answered truthfully. "I guess I don't. Seems silly to trust someone you know nothing about, but that has been what I've gone with most of my life. The people you don't know are usually the ones who will be there for you in the end."

"There is some truth to that fact. More than you know actually. It's hard to explain really. Back then everything seemed relatively simple. You have to understand that Rachel wasn't always the way she was. I don't even know the whole story. All I have are the bits and pieces I got from Tommy. He loved her more than anything in this world. She was his wife."

"His wife? But… He never once mentioned… I don't…"

Caroline nodded her head. "I would assume he doesn't talk much about it." Her finger pinched the bridge of her nose to relive the headache that was coming on. "When we were kids Dad's job forced us to be moved around a lot. The only permanent roots we had anywhere were here at our grandparent's house. Rachel and Tommy just sorta grew up together over the years. We always spent our summers here and Rachel was the girl from church whose pigtails Tommy couldn't resist pulling at any chance he got. At some point when I chose to stay here for high school and Dad decided it be best if the kids had a permanent home for a change, Tommy finally realized that Rachel was a girl, a girl he was quite fond of. They dated through all of high school. Eventually he got into Tisch studying music. Rachel's family was never rich or anything, so she was supposed to stay in town and work to pay for college the following year. Tommy was desperately in love with her and wouldn't leave her behind. Both being eighteen, they drove into the next town and eloped the week before he was set to move up to New York."

"A hopeless romantic, huh?"

"An idiot in love, I'd say. Mom and Dad had a coronary when they found out. They wanted them to get it annulled as soon as possible. Everyone was shocked they would do something so stupid. You have to understand that even though Tommy doesn't realize it, Dad has always taken to him more than the rest of us. He had high hopes for him, but nothing worked out the way he wanted it. Do you what day his birthday is?"

"July 5. Why? It's not anything usual."

A crazy laughter ensued. "I would have assumed he would hide it. Technically he wasn't lying to you all. He was born on the fourth of July and Japan is one day ahead of us. Dad's little patriotic baby. My father wanted him to be his good little son that would follow in his footsteps, serve his country, and marry good woman who would give him grandkids. He didn't expect his oldest son to renounce everything he ever wanted him and want to be a poor musician. Dad had no interest in anything musical. You can see where they would clash. Him running off and marrying Rachel set him off the edge. He told him that it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he would spend the rest of his life regretting his decision."

"And he was right."

"Dead on. Haven't you ever wondered why Tommy hasn't tried to get his music out there? It's like he prefers to waste his talent. We all know the potential he has to do great things, but now he's too scared to even dare to dream. His dream came with a price the first time around. Around the time after he dropped out of school, which yet again pissed Dad off beyond belief, he got his big break. He was close to signing a record deal with his band. They were making the college circuit and drawing up huge hype. He was practically living his dream. Then it all went to pot one bad night. I wasn't there, but your brother was. He was the one that later told me about what happened. Our cousin, Dave, was the bassist. He's a few years older than me and Tommy followed what he said believing he had more experience in the business. One night and one two many drinks their drummer got a little too wasted and leaked out the fact that Dave had been sleeping around with Rachel for a few months. At first, Tommy wouldn't believe it, but the truth came out when Rachel told him she was leaving him because she was pregnant."

With that revelation Tsukushi fond the breath knocked out of her. It was incomprehensible to believe that something like that could happen to Thomas.

"Apparently Rachel was feeling left out all the time when Thomas locked himself away to work on new songs. Dave was conveniently around. She said she had fallen in love with him. Something about Thomas closing himself off to her all the time and choosing music over her when it came down to it. Tommy was devastated to say the least. Then things got a little vague. He wouldn't speak to any family during that time. He locked himself up in his apartment secluding himself from the world. A month later he left the band and they were signed to a label. Two weeks after that he was on a plane to Japan with your brother. A few months later the band came out with their album. It was an instant hit. The band took off after that."

"She broke his heart and took everything away from him."

"More or less."

"But I don't understand. Why did he leave the band?"

"Dave was using him the entire time. Tommy wrote enough material to last a few albums. They all knew his stuff was good. Somehow Dave convinced the others to tell Tommy to leave. They filled his head with crap about there being bad vibes from him after everything with Rachel and Dave. They even got him to sign away the songs he wrote. He didn't even realize what he had done until it was too late. Those guys were laughing their asses off to the bank on his work."

"Why in the hell would he do that?"

"I don't know. It's become a habit in this family to ignore what happened. Just like how Mom and Aunt Claire choose to ignore the fact that Dave married Tommy's ex-wife. That's the kind of stuff that happens to people who don't want to look at the reality of things. No one said a word when Rachel packed up her things and moved to LA. My mother dutifully attended the wedding of her nephew to her ex-daughter in law. Not a single person commented on the fact that Tommy was devastated."

The bitterness dripped from her voice leaving little question on her opinion of the past. Tsukushi swallowed the lump in her throat trying to grapple with all this new information. In her mind, it seemed impossible for such horrible things to have occurred to Thomas. She almost believed that good things happened to good people and bad to bad people, but Thomas was that final straw that disproved that theory. Bad shit happens to everyone. And anything remotely good is rare.

"She thinks that Thomas and I?"

"Probably. The funny thing about some women are like that even after they screw up with the one good man in their life they can't let them go and have their own happiness. If you ask me she got what she deserved. I mean, Dave was always a shady character messing around with more than one girl at a time, but she should have seen that one coming. She has her mansion, her cars, and the wallet full of credit cards and money, but Dave couldn't give a shit about her. He was always a bit of a selfish bastard. I think he only married her because he knocked her up and my Aunt Claire would never allow her son to openly bring shame to her family. She made them marry as soon as the ink dried on the divorce papers. It was a small wedding slapped together before her belly began to show. She is the sorriest person you'll ever meet. And people who feel sorry for themselves can only make life bearable by making someone else's life hell."

A burning fury rose in her veins. Jealousy and envy were two emotions very dear to her heart. It was rather obvious to read into those intentions when presented. But how different was it from her own life? There was once a time when she hated Shizuka for being the one to make him happy. A few circumstances resulted in her going out of the way to make sure they felt her pain. Now it wasn't like that anymore. Bitterness can only sustain you for so long until that day you look in the mirror and realize the monster you are becoming. It comes down to that choice, the difficult decision to either be a better person to allow your heart to be crushed or thrive off the short lived victory of destruction.

Could you live with yourself?

No, she couldn't. Women like Rachel pushed away that hard to swallow humility and chose to become the very essence of a woman scorned by her own foolish mistakes. In the end, the destruction would only spread until she shattered what little good resided in her. Tsukushi prayed that her child would grow up free from his mother's influence. She knew for a fact that a parent so absorbed in hurting the world would inevitably hurt those who loved them the most.

"I can't help but pity her. It's women like her that give the rest of us a bad name. Karma does have a way of biting you in the ass, though, Betrayal always comes with a price even if it does come a little too late."

"So, you're a believer that the world will fix itself in the end?"

She wryly laughed to herself. "As hard as it is to belief I still believe in a thing called love. You can love someone so much to the point of hate, but that love will also make you realize that just have to let go."

"A hopeless romantic if there ever was one."

"Can I ask you about one other thing?" A small flicker of hope lit up inside of her. Perhaps she could finally find out her identity, some little tidbit that could at least put her mind at ease that in the end he was and did love.

Caroline put down her glass with all seriousness. Foresight told her to be prepared for the moment when she would ask. It was inevitable considering their history. "I'll tell you anything but who she is."

Tsukushi nodded her head agreeing to the terms. It was only fair to let the past lay to rest. "Do you think he ever stopped, you know, loving her even after he said he moved on?"

A few answers came to mind for various questions. None could sum up a good enough answer considering she was never in his head nor did he ever divulge much to her after they parted. But of all the things she could have asked, that was the one question that he made sure no one could ever question. She had told Caroline herself after the funeral that it was obvious he had always loved her as would she.

It was a late night call confessing every sordid detail of their affair down to the very last moments. He promised to let go, but for once, his heart could not allow him to be noble and just walk away. Although she never found the courage to see him in his final hours, he made sure that the last time he saw her would haunt her forever. One doesn't forget the man that vows to love you until his dying day and makes you believe it. Her friend was never quite the same when he said his final goodbye. To be told that the one you love was going to do as you requested and move on to marry another woman was a great blow. To know that he died without her devastated her.

Caroline wistfully recalled the days when her best friend was at her happiest. There were few days now when she could find that gaiety of youth. In Tsukushi, her brother, and even her best friend, she hoped they could find some happiness in the wreckage. For humans were not meant to be solitary creatures. There was simply one answer to her question.

"Sam believed his heart was made for Lia. It was hers until its last beat."

-------------------------------------------------

It was very tiring to keep that up. Even though everyone believed him to be carefree and laid back, he was anything but at the present. Thomas thought the long drive earlier would clear his head a bit, dispel his annoyance, but now that grating frustration had returned full force. The party had been a testament to the image he had created. Every corner he turned eyes were on him gauging hi reaction to everything little thing. The town was never extremely large. Everyone knew everybody else's business.

The story of his failed marriage was one of their favorite topics to bring up.

No, they would never dare to ask him in person what had happened. They were quite content in the mere speculations of a torrid affair and the questionability of paternity to the child. He didn't care who they sided for nor did they care for their sympathy. They weren't there. They could never understand why he did it. If they did, they would call him an idiot.

Staring blankly up at the sky, he resumed plucking the strings of his guitar under the cool summer night. The party had disbanded a few hours ago and the sun would most likely rise in about an hour or two. Lack of sleep never bothered him much and with the edge of the jet lag, he assumed he could make through the wedding. Beside him his cigarette lay unattended, burning away to its own content.

"I thought you gave those up?"

He looked up and his fingers stilled on the strings cutting off the dull echo of sound. "I didn't think you would have the nerve to speak to me."

She was bundled up in a silk robe standing barefoot in front of him. Her hair had been messily pulled into a ponytail with strands falling out in places. Although most would have been surprised to see her in such a frazzled state, Thomas accepted it as the norm.

Rachel decided to take his acceptance of conversation as a good sign and sat down on the edge of the stage. Her eyes nervously darted from him to the decorated stage where the band would play for the reception that night. "She's cute. Although she does resemble her mother more than you, there is a slight bit of you in her."

Thomas stifled a bitter laugh. After all this, she was that gullible to believe the rumor that Tsukushi and Kaya were his. It was understandable with Kaya's slightly Caucasian features. After all, Rui's mother had been only half Japanese and half French. A little bit of her had been passed to Kaya. Then again, people do have the tendency to believe what they want to see. Nothing stirs up more gossip than the return of the battered hero with is new wife and child to butt heads with the old wife. He lazily took a drag of his cigarette before snuffing it out. A long stream of smoke blew from his lips carried away by the wind.

"Kaya is not my daughter and Tsukushi and I are not in any way involved," he bluntly stated. "Tsukushi is Sam's sister and Kaya is her daughter with her ex-boyfriend. So, you can stop trying to kill her with your death glares every time you see them." His voice teetered off in frustration of having to explain the situation.

She knew she deserved his anger, but her pride would not allow her to take it lightly. "You really are a bastard if you think I cared that you had a daughter or a girlfriend or whatever she is. I was thinking how nice it was that you had moved on. Apparently I was wrong. I don't know why I bothered."

"Why did you bother then? I'm a bastard end of story. Thanks for clearing that one up." Thomas plucked out another cigarette from the pack he had picked up earlier and lit it up. He really had promised himself that he would never go back to smoking after he quit a few years back, but sometimes there are people in this world that have the power to remove all your willpower.

Her arms crossed her chest defensively. "You don't have to be such a jerk, you know. Dave was always right about you all along. He always said you wouldn't have the guts to make it in the business. What have you done that's so great with your life? You run out of the country and return with nothing."

That one really hit on a sore spot. All the restraint he prided in himself was tossed aside. He pulled his guitar from his lap and pushed it to the side. His face came centimeters in front of hers for the confrontation she seemed to so desperately desire. "What do you really want Rachel? You want me to come begging on my hands and knees for you to take me back. I didn't do that the first time and I sure as hell won't do it now. I was fine sitting here by myself, but you had to come out here and start something with me, didn't you? You want me to feel bad for you or something? Want me to tell you what everyone else wants to hear- that I haven't done shit since I left! What do you want!" He jumped off the stage and locked one arm on each side of her trapping her from leaving. "Tell me what the fuck you want!"

Her entire body trembled beneath his. There was only one other time she had ever seen him so incensed. That had not ended well, so there was no doubt in her mind that it would his time. She weighed her options and decided it would be in her benefit to shut her mouth.

His breaths were coming out short and labored. A voice in his head told him to refrain from hitting a woman. She wasn't the same girl he had married. She hadn't been that girl for a long time. She was Dave's wife now. And if she wanted to starts something, he was going to make sure she got what she came looking for. For once, he was going to give in to the primal urge to hurt her, to make her feel a fragment of the pain she had created in him.

"I brought Tsukushi here because I thought it would be good to get her out of Japan for a while. It seemed to be a good idea considering her brother, Sam, died a few months ago. You remember Sam! That is his sister and his niece. Drop the petty shit. And don't even think about going near her or Kaya. You've done enough. Don't think I'm that stupid to not realize that you were one spreading rumors."

After shaking out of the brief moment of shock, she composed herself to reply. "I didn't know," she whispered. A pit of dread filled her stomach at her own foolishness. Sam had always been so kind to her.

"Sam never said a fucking bad word against you and you trash talk his sister. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"I would have never said a word if I knew it was Sam's sister."

"You don't know a lot of things about me or my life. I don't even understand why the hell you came here."

A part of her wanted to keep up that image of being wealthy and happy with her life. After all, she got exactly what she had wanted. She did honestly love Thomas when they were younger, but practicality and insecurity ruled out in the end. Thomas had always been flighty with his musical aspirations. Sure, he had the talent, but his ambitions lay more in the dream of music rather than the fame and money that went along with it. Coming from a family that was nowhere as near well off as his, she had learned at a young age that love would not put food on the table.

Barely a few days into being legal, she was a wife. In retrospect, they had both been foolish to plunge into matrimony so quickly. For some strange reason, she envisioned marriage would have been much simpler. No one told her she would be signing up for minimum wage part time jobs and arguments over how money was to be spent. She envisioned life in New York to be much more glamorous. She never thought that Thomas' parents would keep him on a strict allowance for basic needs and school supplies, she didn't foresee him dropping out of school, and she definitely didn't know he would forgo school for playing in gigs with a band that barely covered a quarter of their rent. Marriage was definitely not what she thought it was.

Rachel had dreamed big dreams. But somewhere along the way, the means to attain them had shifted. When she had been young she thought if she were smart enough that she would get into a good college to find a high paying job. Those dreams had been dashed when mediocrity was the most she could attain. It never helped her confidence much with the way her parents just treated her like a pretty little girl who should have been more concerned with praying that she find a good man to take care of her. After all, someone as beautiful as her would not have much trouble finding a man to fawn over her.

Thomas was none of that. He believed she was intelligent. He believed she was strong enough to take care of herself. Most of all, he didn't seem to give a shit that everyone else thought she was just a pretty face. For some strange reason, he liked her for being her. The girl with no frills attached.

When it came down to one lonely night when Tom locked himself away in the studio to write a song and the build up of months of insecurity, it wasn't hard to explain why Dave had so easily swayed her heart. He was older and wiser about the music world. He was the reason the labels took a second glance at the band making him valuable. Dave understood her need for wealth and power, a weakness he preyed upon. One night led to many nights. Before she knew it, she was pregnant and delusional enough to believe she loved Dave. He said he would do right by her and father the child, but she knew deep down that Dave was one of those men that fed off the limelight. A few months away from her bed surrounding by adoring groupies was a hard temptation that most likely he indulged in. It didn't matter that she had his child.

She knew Thomas didn't and wouldn't have cheated on her. He wouldn't have used the same lame excuses. Dave had made himself into an infamous character in the industry, a liability to take in. Worst of all, he had two other children out there being raised by women whose names he barely knew or when he slept with them. In a few months, word was going to spread about the popular band breaking up. Eventually the press would dig up all the dirt they could use to paint their own picture of why it all happened. Her life would fall apart. But before that happened, she swore to herself she would not let Thomas have his, "I told you so".

Why was she even there?

Could she tell him the truth? The fact that he had been right all along about Dave. Tom had tried to warn her once so long ago. His exact words were, "If you go with him, you'll regret it for the rest of your life". She didn't realize how right he would be at the time. Sometimes she would catch herself looking down upon her son, Anthony, and wondering what life might have been like if he had been Thomas' child. Not like she would ever let him in on that little musing of hers.

No, he nor anyone else needed to know that the money was running low. They weren't supposed to know that she had resorted to begging her mother-in-law to take her and her grandchild in because his bastard father had basically abandoned them. That all along she was a wreck underneath the expensive clothes and arrogance.

"I don't why I'm here either," she defiantly answered. Denial was so much easier than facing the truth. "Claire practically begged that we come down for this family get together. She made a big fuss how Caroline would be so disappointed that she couldn't show off her famous cousin to her new in-laws. After all, she is marrying into a very well off family."

Thomas sneered at her faulty excuse. They both knew it was bullshit if you believed that Caroline was marrying Noah for his money and family name. Although it wouldn't be far from the truth that his Aunt Claire was overwhelmed by grief that her famous son did not show up to one of the biggest social events of the year in their small town. She loved any reason to brag about her golden child. Now that was an acceptable answer. One he could accept.

He was tired of always keeping a watchful eye for some intangible horror to befall him. Looking at Rachel, he discovered an odd emotion- indifference. No longer was that slight pang in his heart at the sight of her or some kind of false regret. He didn't care anymore. It was too tiring to care.

Years apart from her had made him realize that he wasn't the same nor was she. They had both grown up and led very different lives that had nothing to do with each other. The realization fell upon him that he didn't have any responsibility to feel anything for her or to even care about what had occurred in the past. There were bigger things to worry about. Most of all there was someone else that had slowly crept their way into his heart filling that place he once reserved for Rachel. At that moment he swore to himself he wouldn't screw up again. Maybe the foul mood he found himself in wasn't about her, but about that other girl he had still had a chance with. That is if she ever forgave him for his idiocy.

The choice was made. Looking at Rachel, he wondered why he even bothered in the first place. He laughed to himself most likely frightening the women in front of him with the sudden mood swing. He swore to himself that he would make things right the second time around. But first he had to let go his first mistake.

"I'm done. I don't care. From now on, I want nothing to do with you." Thomas backed up from her with a sad smile on his face. Whether it was out of relief or pity, he didn't know. He waved his hand in the air in finality.

"You're not worth it."

That being said, he trudged back to the house not sparing a glance at her reaction. For he didn't care what she thought anymore. He was a free man.

------------------------------------

"Are you ready?" Jacob asked beside his brother in front of the mirror.

Thomas loosened his tie once again to begin the tedious task of retying it once again. He was never very good with the things so today was no exception to that rule. His forehead furrowed as his concentration fell on the task. "Almost. I can never get these damn ties."

"And to think you were the one to teach me how to tie my own," his brother scoffed. "So, I talked to Tsukushi last night."

"And?"

"You never told her about Rachel, did you?"

His hand slipped as he jerked the knot around his neck tighter than he intended to. He choked on his gasping breaths. "Why would I tell her about that psycho?"

"Maybe because that psycho had the intention of getting you back."

"Now what the hell have you been smoking?" He scowled at his smiling brother sitting on his bed.

Jacob ran his hands through his hair. He could barely conceal the giddy smile on his face much like the one he always wore as a child when he knew something everyone else didn't. "It's pretty obvious why she came here. I heard something quite interesting yesterday. The band decided to breakup and the rumors are that it's Dave's fault. Apparently the guy had a power trip and got suckered by producers into a solo album before the fallout. Only problem is that they wanted him to go back to the material from their first album. We both know the chances of him writing anything like that are slim to none. He's close to filing for bankruptcy and is knee deep in debt. Rachel had to beg Aunt Claire to let her live with her since they lost their house and the bank froze their accounts. It's funny how Aunt Claire really can't hold her liquor or her tongue."

Now if he had been asked what his reaction to such news would have been a few months ago, Thomas would have reveled in the downfall of his wayward cousin and his wife. Perhaps he could have even spared some sympathy. He didn't have a damn clue as to why he just didn't care.

"You're a regular little gossip, aren't you? You should find better ways to occupy your time."

"I was thinking of doing that with Tsukushi."

He raised a delicate eyebrow. "Don't even think about it. Touch her and you die a very painful death."

"Geez, Dad gave me the same threat yesterday. Said I should get my head out of my ass and focus on my training."

"Sounds like something the old man would say. I can't even begin to count how many times the old man told me to 'wake up and get a real job'. My other favorite was the whole 'get your shit straight'.

"He's not like that anymore. You've got to forgive him one day. I'll admit that Dad can be a real ass sometimes, but he has changed. After he retired, he really mellowed out a lot."

"Don't bother trying to defend him to me. You wouldn't understand. You did exactly what Dad wanted for me. He wanted all his little boys to grow up to be soldiers. When that idea didn't pan out, he took one out of two as better than none. He thinks this whole music thing is just a phase. He just doesn't get it."

"You have to give him the benefit of the doubt at some point," a voice stated from the door. Caroline brushed the veil that repeatedly whipped her in the face while she made her escape from the pre-wedding insanity. Ignoring the looks of surprise on her brother's faces, she stepped forward and expertly knotted Thomas' tie.

"Some of us need to learn to mind their own damn business," he fought back. He brushed her hands aside and loosened the knot. He breathed much easier when the noose she had tied was loosened. Feeling downright aggravated at everyone and everything, he popped open the top few buttons of his shirt and left the tie to hang precariously around his neck.

Two worlds apart colliding at once into a massive explosion struggling to mesh together to make one cohesive existence was an impossible feat. There were certain aspects of his life he wished he could ignore, cite the lack of memory as those rough patches in life. Going with the motions seemed the reasonable thing to do. It was obvious that burnt bridges were not even close to being rebuilt.

"I'll do things my way, and he'll do things his way." He absently smiled brushing off any further attempt they could make for conversation. "I'm going to go check on my girls. I want to make sure Tsukushi and Kaya have good seats."

Caroline and Jacob silently watched their brother walk away as was his normal reaction of defensive escape whenever he was put in a position not to his liking. They looked to one another trying to figure out when and how those two would ever reconcile their differences. Hopes that a happy occasion like the wedding would do so seemed bleaker by the second. From the outside most wouldn't question the relationship between father and son veiled in jokes and light banter, but when it came down to the bare facts, they never could have disagreed more on what one's purpose in life was.

Nothing can hurt a parent and a child more than being told a life long passion, a dream, was a total waste of time. In essence, his father had told him he would never support him in screwing up his life for the sake of a music career.

From the looks of things, Thomas' life had escalated to a giant 'I told you so'.

But he would never back down to realize that himself.

------------------------------------------------

"Are you guys ready for the big show?" Thomas asked. He spotted them right away seated in the front row next to the empty seats his mother and father would occupy.

"We've been ready for quite a bit." Tsukushi shuffled Kaya in her lap while absently glancing at the gathering mass on the lawn.

The wedding was quite over the top. She guessed there might have been well over a hundred guests for the wedding ceremony alone. The number would only grow when they later congregated for the reception where the remaining two hundred would arrive. Both bride and groom were well liked and came from respectable families in the circuit of polite society. It was one of the highlights of the season to be invited to the grand affair.

"It's a three ring circus if you ask me." He noted the overdressed and obvious busy bodies from town craning their heads in all directions shooting hungry glares for anything that would make hot gossip. Most likely they were looking for his ever elusive cousin, Dave. It wasn't every day that a bona fide rock star graced their small town. "Now I remember why I hated this town so much."

"They're not that bad. Except for the repeated question of what my relationship to you was exactly. Blank stare and some random Japanese makes them go away. Although Kaya did blow my cover when she asked why I was using Japanese, when I told her we would be speaking only English here. She's a smart little bugger. A little too smart if you ask me."

"Let them think what they want to think." He shrugged his shoulders dropping the subject. "It's a waste of time to even think of convincing them otherwise." His entire body slumped lower into his seat. With his tie lying haphazardly against his rumpled shirt, he carried off that handsome scruffy look.

The sun shone down on them unmercifully mocking them with its warmth inducing rays. A slight breeze blew through the air weaving through the crowds providing some relief. Tsukushi glanced away from Thomas who was now preoccupied with making funny faces at Kaya. In turn, she was trying to mirror his contorted expressions. Although she should have felt happy for such a beautiful day for the wedding, the tug on her heart was apparent. Her brother had always said days like this were meant to be captured forever in your soul because life was all about perfect days. It seemed that no matter how far she ran or how much she reinforced that wall around herself, he would always find little ways to haunt her. She shook her head rousing herself from the melancholy.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for the procession?" she asked.

Thomas glanced back at the huddle of bridesmaids near the porch. By the multiple squeals, he deduced that the bride must be making her way down and that the ceremony would begin soon. Noah was being roughly pushed forward by his groomsmen egging him on about signing away his life for wedded bliss.

"It would appear so. I better get to work. I hope that Caroline doesn't kill me for this. It may not be too late to back out of this. I mean, I could still run up to the string quartet and tell them to go on as planned. I knew I should have just gotten her something from her registry."

Tsukushi vehemently shook her head. "You have got to do this," she urged. She knew exactly what he had planned. It took a lot of phone calls back and forth to get everyone to agree to this. It was meant to be his gift for his sister and his new brother-in-law. Besides, no material gift could compare with something like this. "You'd be an idiot not to. Plus Jacob will kill you if he ends up having to walk down the aisle with one of your sister's bridesmaids."

He swallowed the lump in his throat. The sweaty palms and last minute jitters were to be expected before a performance in front of a large crowd. The pressure was even greater considering this was to be on his home turf where the community had already labeled him as a failure. But he would show them all that, even his father, that he had come a long way from that rocker wannabe he grew up as. Time had given him a chance to find himself. For what it was worth, he had rarely ever had a chance like this to use his gifts for something that really mattered.

Family came above all else.

"Wish me luck," he whispered as he moved from his seat and strode down the aisle.

His eyes remained on the house in front of him. He smiled to himself at how she kept her word that she would be married in the same house his parents were married in. It was a start of a family tradition to be married in this house. While the front had been taken up for the ceremony itself, the back was alive with more people running about to set up for the reception afterwards. Taking one last leap up the steps onto the porch, he brushed past Noah giving him a quick pat on the back. He slipped through the crowds of people lining up for the procession and ducked into the sitting room off to the side where most likely the rest of his family were huddling together to have their last words.

"I'm so happy for you, honey," his mother cried dabbing at her eyes. She put away her handkerchief and busied herself with fixing her daughter's veil.

"Get a hold of yourself, dear. She's perfect," Eddie gleamed. He gently moved his wife away form their daughter. "She looks just like her mother after all. You can't beat perfection."

"You're so bad, Eddie," Liz laughed slapping him in the chest.

Jacob gave his sister one last hug and a kiss on the cheek. He leaned over and in a conspiring manner whispered something into her ear. Some private joke was made producing laughter from both sides.

"I think I can take care of myself." Caroline ruffled his head as she had always done since he was a child who would insist on holding her hand.

He felt like he was the outsider looking in. Being away for so long made him feel foreign within the presence of his family, the ones who had been with him most of his entire life. All the chances they had extended for him to reenter the inner circle had been declined with weak excuses of time constraints and responsibilities keeping him away.

In reality, he was scared to face up to the fact that he had not accomplished what he had set out to do in the first place. His own paralyzing fear was holding him back from doing anything. One too many times he had pondered over running back home and settling for a normal life. Normal equated to security.

"Hurry up and get out of that doorway, Tommy. Where have you been? We need to get one last picture of the family." Caroline ran over to him and dragged him into the group. Placing herself into a pose position she elbowed him telling him to smile.

He did as he was told and watched the hustle and bustle of activity around him. Jacob gave him a quick thumbs up and slide out of the room knowing exactly what was set to happen. His mother nodded her head reassuring him that they were set to go. With one last hug to his sister Tom whispered to her, "I hope you don't hate my gift."

Ignoring her puzzled expression, he walked out of the room, past the huddle of bridesmaids, and straight down the aisle where a stool and microphone had been set up off to the side. Thomas smirked at his soon to be brother-in-law and pulled his guitar up into his lap. Tapping the microphone to tests it's volume he began to speak.

"Umm… Hi everybody," he lamely spoke up. He could feel the rumble of butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Taking a deep breath he continued. "About a week ago, I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could give my sister Caroline for her wedding. All I knew was that it had to be something great, something that she and Noah would always remember. The only thing that could come to mind was this. So, if you can hear me out here, Caroline, this is for you and Noah. Please don't kill me later for changing your plans."

A few chuckles were emitted from the audience at the last statement.

Taking one last look at Tsuskushi, his fingers moved to their own accord beginning the first strains of music he had written. His voice trembled releasing the first few words of his original song.

_What day is it_

_and in what month_

_this clock never seemed so alive_

_I can't keep up_

_and I can't back down_

I've been losing so much time 

Jacob appeared at the forefront of the procession walking their mother down the aisle followed by Noah's parents. While his mother and brother were not very shocked to see him up there, Noah's parents seemed a bit unnerved by the change in plans. Like everyone else, he had the rapt attention of every single person in attendance.

Cause it's you and me and all of the people 

_With nothing to do_

_Nothing to lose_

_And it's you and me and all of the people_

_And I don't know why_

_I can't keep my eyes off of you_

One by one the rest of the bridal party followed the procession. The maid of honor mouthed their joy congratulating him on his original gift. Hungry eyes roved over him with suggestive winks followed when the other two bridesmaids came out.

_All of the things that I want to say_

_Just aren't coming out right_

_I'm tripping inwards_

_You got my head spinning_

_I don't know where to go from here_

The moment finally came when he watched with expectant eyes to see his sister's reaction to his gift. The validation that it had all been worth it, to put himself out on a line like this was worth it. Her smile stretched across her entire face, and she seemed to possess an even greater glow than when he had seen her moments before.

Cause it's you and me and all of the people 

_with nothing to do_

_Nothing to prove_

_And it's you and me and all of the people_

_And I don't know why_

_I can't keep my eyes off of you_

He lifted his head and looked out into the crowd gauging their reaction. He missed this feeling of performing. For once in a very long time, he was beginning to remember the thrill of being the star in front of a crowd of people. With every lingering note, the spectators were drawn into a trance hearing only the music and nothing else. Like the pied piper he was drawing them into his world. The ceremony hadn't even fully started yet, but not a single woman could be found with a dry eye. Even a few of the men had become choked up.

_There's something about you now_

_I can't quite figure out_

_Everything she does is beautiful_

_Everything she does is right_

_You and me and all of the people_

_with nothing to do_

_Nothing to lose_

_And it's you and me and all of the people_

_And I don't know why_

_I can't keep my eyes off of you_

Pride. He could see it in his mother's eyes. His brother was probably silently patting himself on the back for pulling this surprise off. For the briefest second he saw something in his father's face. When their stormy blue eyes met, euphoric accomplishment met with troubled confusion. Not even a grand gesture like this would please the man, he surmised.

_You and me and all of the people_

_with nothing to do_

_Nothing to prove_

_And it's you and me and all of the people_

_And I don't know why_

_I can't keep my eyes off of you_

_What day is it_

_And in what month_

_This clock never seemed so alive_

His fingers ceased to move leaving behind the deafening silence in its wake. Caroline took the opportunity to step away from their father and wrap her arms around him whispering a choked thanks to him. Trembling, she took the hands of her groom and nodded for the priest to go on with the ceremony.

-----------------------------------------------------

The string of compliments didn't cease from the second the reception began. It appeared that his gift had made some impact on everyone and the town pariah was back in the community's good graces. Questions as to when he would be coming out with an album were passed around while a few women fawned over how sweet he was to do something like that for his sister. Popularity was fickle like that.

All the while, Caroline had not stopped gushing over his song. Although everyone agreed that the ceremony was beautiful; however, he had managed to make himself on of the main topics of attention. Rumors spread like wildfire about his newfound success and comeback to the music business. A few even mentioned some far out lie about him becoming a star overseas and his upcoming return for a stab at the market in the States. For now, they didn't need to know that he had not publicly sung one of his own songs since he left home.

That was a story for another day.

"No one could have ever done anything sweeter than what you did for your sister today."

Thomas looked up from his dinner plate to meet the eyes of his mother. "It wasn't much," he shrugged. His fork scraped against the china pushing the remainder of his chicken around.

"There's no use in moping all by yourself over here. Your brother seems to have kidnapped Tsukushi, and your father whisked Kaya away. He keeps telling her to call him Grumpa Eddie. Gets a real kick out it, too."

He looked up to see all the couples swaying on the dance floor to the band playing on stage. Thomas vaguely recognized them as a few guys from high school that used to play for house parties. Apparently they kept the dream alive by playing a few gigs on the weekend to escape the doldrums of mediocrity. By all standards, he should have felt sorry for the poor bastards, but with the way they were having the time of their lives onstage, he had to admit they were happy bastards. They were a bunch of average talented guys who did it out of the love and respect for the music. Briefly he wondered if he still had that same amount of passion they possessed.

"So what do you think of the band?" Liz asked. She carefully sipped her chilled glass of champagne. "They came highly recommended."

"They're great. Still the same old bunch of guys I remember from high school."

"Not quite, dear. People do change a little bit over the years." She lifted a manicured finger pointing to each band member. "Joey over there is an accountant. He does our taxes every year. Quite good if you ask me since we always get a refund. Got himself a little girl and another on the way. Now Michael is a different story. He went through a rather difficult divorce last year. He's a sales manager at Penny's. John is still single, but he says he's thinking about asking his girlfriend to marry him soon. She's over there tending the bar. The two met a few years back at another wedding they were both working. Finally, there's Scott the youngest of the bunch. He's working on trying to become a producer. He's got himself a nice little set up downtown helping the local high school kids record their demos. Does that on the side while running Richter's. You remember Richter's? It was the record store you practically lived in when you were younger. The boys get together every week to practice no matter what. Says it's their thing to unwind in their down time."

"Aren't you the little busy body knowing everybody's business?"

"I'm a mother. It comes with the territory," she defensively argued. She lightly slapped his cheek. "Whoever said having kids was a joy was really wrong. So, tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing, Mom."

"Like I'll believe that."

Thomas picked up his fork and jabbed at the slice of cake plopped down in front of him by one of the many waiters rushing by. A smear of buttercream frosting was beginning to form on the plate from his smashing. "It's stupid really. I hate it when my mind wanders because they tend to stray to bad places. All I hear in my head is the one question I don't want to answer."

"What are you doing with your life?"

Thomas and his mother lifted their heads to meet the stern face of his father. Liz could not hide her grimace and disbelief at her husband's lack of better sense to bring up such a sensitive topic during a party. "Eddie," she started.

"No, Mom." Thomas returned the same challenging look to his father. "This is a battle I can fight on my own."

She sighed to herself wondering when two out of the three men in her life would find some way to all get along. From the look of things, that would not be happening any time soon. She stood up adjusting her dress. A wary smiled crossed her thin lips. Passing her husband, she leaned in to him gripping his arm. "Don't start something you might regret," she whispered.

"So the big question is what am I going to do with my life now, huh? No more Susumu to bail me out of trouble, so it's back to you, Dad."

"I want you to come home, Tom. It doesn't have to be like this. You can come home. Think about maybe going back to school. It's not too late to finish up your degree. You have so many options. Come home."

Thomas shook is head. Looking around the open yard filled with brightly colored lights illuminating the pitch darkness, he felt not s ingle shred of attachment or reason for him to stay. His brother was becoming a man on his won. His parents were beginning to rediscover themselves as two individuals with all their children leaving home. His sister was on that path to start her own family. What was there to return to? The chance to fade into the oblivion of mediocrity. At that moment, he made a choice, one that he knew he could never take back for his father taught him one very important lesson- a man never goes back on his word.

In that one moment of clarity, Thomas made a choice free of any influence. There was too much left for him to go back to. Witnessing the changes going on with his family, he realized that he was still capable of making a life for himself, one that wasn't confounded with shit.

"Dad, you might believe in me anymore after all I've said and done, but trust me on this. I have this gut feeling that's telling me to stay with her." He pointedly looked in the direction of Tsukushi and her daughter. "This is me being a man and stepping up to do what is right. Susumu saw something in me, and I'm not about to fuck up whatever he was trying to accomplish. I know you probably already asked her to come here and she probably told you no. I'm a hell of a lot tougher than I used to be because I have a purpose now. I know I will make mistakes along the way, but I am willing to take that risk. I'm going to follow through this time. Just give me some time and you'll see."

No words came to him. The honest truth of it all was that Eddie was astounded by his son's show of maturity. Perhaps his gallivanting in Japan had taught him a lesson or two he himself could never teach him.

The tapping of a hand on a microphone interrupted their conversation. They both turned up to the stage to where the emcee was announcing the father daughter dance. A path cleared in front of them exposing a narrow space for his father to meet Caroline on the dance floor. She expectantly looked at her father with her outstretched hand.

Caroline reached for the mic. Clearing her throat she began to speak, "Hello everyone. I didn't think my brother could ever top his beautiful song he wrote for me, but this may come pretty close. He sent me a tape of this song a few months back and I fell in love with it. When he asked me what I wanted for a wedding gift, I only asked for one thing. I wanted him to play this song, which he has agreed to do for me. Tom, if you would please?"

That was his cue. Stepping past his father he made a line straight for the stage. His stomach fluttered with nervousness, a bad habit he had never been able to shake off no matter how long he performed live. The fluttering clamed a bit when a small hand touched his arm.

"Thanks for accompanying me," he thanked Tsukushi.

"It's no problem." She offered a small smile and followed him onto the stage where a single guitar and piano were set up. Tsukushi slid into her bench focusing on the notes she had memorized a few days beforehand. She didn't have much time to practice. Inwardly she secretly wished she would not screw this up.

Thomas cocked his head back and smiled. "You'll do fine." Taking a deep breath, he turned back to the crowd and began strumming his guitar.

_I know a girl_

_She puts the color inside of my world_

_She's just like a maze_

_Where all of the walls all continually change_

_And I've done all I can_

_To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands_

_Now I'm starting to see_

_Maybe it's got nothing to do with me_

_Fathers be good to your daughters_

Daughters will love like you do 

_Girls become lovers who turn into mothers_

_So mothers be good to your daughters too_

To give someone your full and utter trust was easier said than done. He had always believed in Tom. He might now have openly shown it all the time, but he was proud. Eddie had made a lot of mistakes as any human was prone to do, but when you find yourself backed into a corner with little control over a situation, it wasn't easy to let your child fall. Maybe he could have handled things better when Tom ran off and married that Rachel. Anger and horror were two pretty big emotions to overcome. It was a punch to the face to see a child you put so much effort and time into to teach him to do the right thing throw his life away on a momentary lapse of judgment. It was even harder to turn your back when he needed you the most.

"Daddy," Caroline whispered. She pulled herself back enough to look into her father's face. She knew that he was having a hard time having Tom back in town. He told her himself a few weeks back when they confirmed his arrival flight.

"Something wrong, Carrie?"

_Ooh, you see that skin?_

_It's the same she's been standing in_

_Since the day she saw him walking away_

_Now she's left _

_cleaning up the mess he made_

_So fathers, be good to your daughters_

_Daughters will love like you do_

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers 

_So mothers, be good to your daughters too_

"He's going to do something great one day, something greater than we ever imagined. I know you love all of us just the same, but it was never the same when it came to Tom. There was just a little bit more pressure on him to be the best. You were always scared that you would hurt me being your little girl. Jake was the baby in the family. Tommy was always something else. He's a lot tougher than most people."

"It's my own fault for making him that way," he murmured.

_Boys, you can break_

_You find out how much they can take_

_Boys will be strong_

_And boys soldier on_

_But boys would be gone without warmth from _

_A woman's good, good heart_

_On behalf of every man_

_looking out for every girl_

You are the god and the weight of her world 

_So fathers, be good to your daughters_

_Daughters will love like you do_

_Girls become lovers who turn into mothers_

_So mothers be good to your daughters, too_

"All he's ever wanted was for you to be proud of him."

"I am," he argued.

"Then tell him that."

They broke apart to the thunderous applause of the guests. Lost in their own conversation, they hardly realized that the song had ended. Turning to her brother Caroline smiled broadly. "All he ever wanted was for you to tell him that you're proud of him. That's all he needs."

------------------------------------------

The last of the slightly inebriated guests stumbled their way to the waiting cabs specially called in to deliver them to their warm safe beds. More than a few would bashfully return the next day hoping no one saw whatever humiliating act they had committed in their state to retrieve their cars that is if they could get over their massive hangovers first. The rest of the family had done their best to clean up the massacre in their yard as best as possible before throwing in the towel and calling it a night. Every last bit of champagne had been drunk and the last of the cake eaten. One by one the lights flickered off, but a few remained giving off a faint illumination over the massacred yard.

Thomas yawned into his hand and rubbed his face furiously. He shivered in the cold night air and fell backwards onto the porch. His eyes roamed the sky mindlessly counting off the number of stars. He forgot how clear it was around those parts. You felt like you could almost reach your hand up into the sky and scoop a handful of stars to store into your pocket.

Insomnia has become part of his pattern of existence. It scared the shit out of him at first when he seemed get by with three to four hours of sleep a night only to crash once a month into a narcoleptic coma that could last an entire day. A part of him nagged at the fact that it wasn't healthy and he should see a doctor, but so far nothing life threatening had occurred, so he let things be.

The worst part of it all was in the lone hours of the night when most of the world was dead and he didn't feel like dragging himself to another club just to ease the loneliness, he would find himself lying in bed staring at the ceiling and pondering over things. Being back in his small hometown, there wasn't any hustle and bustle of the city to distract him from these thoughts. Also, he didn't want to raise any concerns when his mother noticed his late hours. The thought of trying to write music was snuffed out due to a single memory that replayed over an over again.

It had to have been some freak incident that it even happened at all. A part of him swore that it might have been a dream, but god, the look on her face was too much to be an imagination. Snippets of heavy breathing, sweat trickling down the hollows of her throat sliding in between the valley of her breasts, the pressure of legs wrapping around his waist pulling him deeper into oblivion ran through his mind. Desperate entreaties fell from her lips as prayers to the gods to release her the raging torrent of sensations goaded him further bringing her voice to the point of screams. The entire time she kept her eyes open as if challenging him to do his worst or even better, his best. He remembered his own turmoil the strange combination to hold onto his sanity for just a bit longer with the desire push past the barrier of the precipice.

No one, not even Rachel had been able to evoke such desire from him. Of course, his experience was not just limited to his ex-wife. He had a few girlfriends before and after her. Never had a single one of them made him want something with such reckless abandon.

His hands shook as he listened to the dial tone taunting him with every ringing second. He wished he had the guts earlier to make the call, but he was a coward. Listening to loud thumping of his heart about to leap out of his chest, he breathed a sigh of relief when the voice mail picked up. The entire speech he had prepared in his head flew out of his mind leaving him a mute mess.

"Leave a message and I'll get back to you."

His heart jolted at the trilling beep prompting him to leave a message. "Hey… it's me. I know I should have called you earlier, but the with the way we left things." Thomas clenched the phone tighter in his hand trying to come up with the words that would make it all better. "Damn it, I don't know what to say. I'm just sorry. I never wanted things to turn out like this. We both deserve better after all this time. I promise I'll make it up to you when I get back, though. We'll figure this out together… Bye."

Letting out the breath he was holding, he shoved the phone back into his pocket cursing himself out for being such a wuss. He knew the consequences of his actions, but didn't pay any mind to it. Too caught up in the moment and the sensations, he had let himself violate every principle he had established for himself.

He wasn't supposed to get so attached to her. He promised both of them that he wouldn't ever cross that line. But he did, and now he was left wondering if there was something over the line worth fighting for. Did she want what he wanted?

"Couldn't sleep, huh?"

The voice startled him from his self-deprecation. Thomas turned around to find his father sitting on the rocking chair on the porch holding a mug in his hand.

"Not really. With the time difference and everything, my body has been out of whack."

"Funny considering how you were always the one who adjusted the fastest when we moved." He took a long dragging sip from his mug. "You were always the first to jump on the bandwagon when we moved. Said you liked the thrill of the adventure."

"Mom always said half the fun was the fear. Waltzing into a foreign country not speaking a single word of the language sure did open up a lot of doors for me. Grandma would always pull theatrics about how this family lived like gypsies."

"Yeah, well your grandparents hated that I took away their baby. Marrying the youngest in the family sure did leave a sour taste in their mouth." Eddie lightly stomped his foot on the porch ending the rocking motion of his chair. "Your Aunt Claire never got over the fact that they left the house to your mother. You can say I have too many strikes against me when it comes to that family. I never understood how they were so close. My family was nothing like them, although I did have a few Aunt Claires in mine. But my mother was the exception. She was a fine woman."

The mention of his other grandmother piqued his interest. It was a general rule in their family to never ask questions about that side. There always seemed to be blanks when they tried to figure out his father and why he was the way he was. Many times he and Caroline would speculate about their other grandparents. Jacob was way to young to even have the capacity to remember that trip.

All he and Caroline shared was a faint memory that almost seemed as if they imagined it all. He could remember the exhausting heat of the dry desert air as they all packed into their station wagon driving across the huge expanse of boundless highway. Sweat trickled down his neck as the sweltering sun beat streamed through his window. The air in the car was tense, and he recalled the way his mother slid closer to their father to rest her head on his shoulder whispering something that was obviously meant to be for adult conversation only. Years later he would ask Caroline if she remembered the smell of stale cigarettes or the way they ran like wild animals in the yard as their parents went inside with the nice old woman who offered them taffy that looked like it was a prehistoric artifact. What he remembered most was the bullish looking man who frightened the shit out of him lugging around the giant oxygen tank and mask permanently fixed on his face. The wheezing, hacking coughs that begged for someone to come and take him out of his misery rung in his ears as whenever he relived the nightmare of meeting that man. The entire time the man spoke to his parents, they remained passive with their faces set into think lines.

On the drive back to the hotel later that night his father took him to the side and revealed that he had met his grandfather. Thomas was only about eight at that time, but his father told him the depressing truth. The man, his father was dying and they were there to pay their last respects. Then he promised Thomas he would never let himself become that man.

Thomas eventually figured out what he meant. His grandfather died a few months after that. His parents left the kids in Ashland to take care of the kids. His Aunt Claire had dropped by to visit. It was by dumb luck that he walked by the parlor to hear her lamenting about how she wished his mother had never married beneath her. Being at an age not knowing where to let out his anger, he did it in the way most children would. He stomped out into the yard and punched Dave right in the face.

It was a cheap shot and he got it back ten times worse, but it was the best he cold do to defend his family's honor. His grandmother practically had a coronary at the sight of so much blood. He was lucky that his grandfather came in time to pull Dave off of him before he smashed in his face.

When it came time for his grandfather to sit him down in the kitchen to put some ice on his split lip and black eye, he was on pins and needles to get the verdict. It was odd how he didn't raise his voice to scold him for fighting. All he did was get down on one knee, pressed the ice a little harder to his face, and patted him on the knee.

"_You're Aunt Claire shouldn't have said those things, but they are the truth, son."_

"_I didn't know what to do, Grandpa. She said all those awful things about Mom and Dad."_

_The old man pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his face with the palm of his hand. "Believe me, your father is a good man. Coming from where he did, he came out better than most. You shouldn't be ashamed of where he came from. Your Aunt Claire should be ashamed for ever thinking your father would ever beat the shit out of you like his daddy did to him." With that said, he plucked the ice away from his face swabbed the cut with antiseptic and smacked a bandage on. "Now I don't want you getting into anymore fights, okay?"_

"_Yes, sir."_

His grandfather backed up the story that boys will be boys when his Aunt went after his mother like a bat out of hell screeching about what her son had done. Back in those days, whatever grandpa decided was the law. So, Aunt Claire fumed for weeks that no one sided with her in that he should have been punished for attacking Dave.

It would be years later when he would really understand what white trailer trash meant. At the same time, he would begin to understand how a broken child could grow up to be a broken father. Now as a man, he understood why his father was the way he was. The discomfort of affection was ingrained in him since the only touch he ever felt was a clenched fist or a belt. His father never once openly spoke about it, but it didn't take a genius to figure it out. His mother put it best when she said, 'sometimes people can only let themselves love from a distance, but you take what they offer.'

"I've been thinking about my father a lot lately," Eddie mumbled. Not a single trace of sentimentality lingered in his voice. "I don't understand how I forgot that feeling, that single defining moment that a son realizes what an asshole his father is. I was seventeen when I ran away from home. All I had was a duffel bag stuffed with a few pairs of clothes and the money from the cookie jar where my mother hid the weekly grocery money. It's funny," he snorted. "My mother had to hide money for food to keep my father from using it for more beer and smokes. By the time I was ten, the grocer in town knew to give me a carton of Marlboros and a six pack of Bud or face the guilt that I would come in the next day sporting a nasty shiner."

"Dad…" Thomas interrupted to stop him from saying any more. However, his father continued and decided to ignore his protest.

"No, you need to know this." He rolled up the sleeve of his bathrobe and rubbed at the marred skin on the inner part of his forearm. "I think when he noticed my father's new game of using me as an ash tray, he knew better than to question who I was buying for."

Multiple circular scars in a strange polka dot pattern marred Eddie's skin. Thomas used to question him about where the scars came from. His father lied that they were from boot camp when he had to crawl across dirt, rocks, and other various objects for field training.

"Your mother always bugged me about talking about it more, but I never wanted her to know how bad it really was. I used to lie in my bed and wish to god that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. So, one day I decided I was going to run. Being the coward I was, I left my mother to compensate the loss of a punching bag. She was a sweet woman, weak as hell to stay with the bastard, but a good woman. I hated him for every single day until he died, which is why I'm going to swallow my pride, son. I'm sorry about the things I said. I don't want you to leave here again hating me as much as I hated my father."

The sickening thud of bile at the bottom of his throat choked up his words. He was disgusted at himself for letting his relationship with his father lead up to this point. Was he really as angry as the day he ran off? The answer was no. It had been no for a very ling time. Somewhere along the way he stopped being angry and just didn't care. The entire idea of snubbing him had become part of a stubborn principled to be right about an argument he no longer cared about. Susumu had told him to let go of it, but he refused to listen.

"I wanted so much for you, but I just didn't see past that. I never saw what you needed. For what it's worth I am proud of you."

It was stupid really. He was jealous of the rapport Susumu and his father had. The two seemed to get along so easily in a way that Thomas struggled to find. When Susumu had shut out his father, he believed that he was equally justified to do the same when his father turned his back on him. The only difference was that his own father had lied when he said he didn't care. He did everything in his power to secretly ensure no harm came to him.

"Thanks, Dad. I'm sorry I let my pride stand in the way."

By the wry smile he received in return, Thomas accepted that was the most emotion the two of them would transpire between them. He found himself at that awkward phase in life where he knew he couldn't scrape his knee and go running to Daddy for a hug to make it better.

"I know Mom and you want me to come home, but I still have some business to finish up with back in Japan. I made a promise to myself I would support Tsukushi the same way Susumu would for as long as she needs me. Also, there is someone I need to work things out with back there."

Eddie shook his head barely hiding his mirth. "I bet it's another girl."

"It's not just some girl. It's the girl." He put a hand up to stop his father from making his next comment. "Trust me this time. Once bitten, twice shy. You would like her. She doesn't want anything to do with me."

"She already sounds like my kind of girl. So, how about you take a seat and tell me about he?." He patted the empty chair beside him.

Thomas looked at his father with a completely different persepective. It was laughable that two stubborn men like them could hold a grudge for years, but fall back into friendly terms so easily when they made up. It was one of those inexplicable phenomena. Why bother holding onto the past grudges when there was a future to look forward to? If he learned anything from Susumu's death, it was to live every day like your last by letting the past go.

"Sure Dad."


End file.
